Bitter Good Byes

So I should just sing it?

So I should just sing it?

“It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.” – Boyz 2 Men, Boys To Men? Those four guys that harmoniously sang things in a group setting while recording stuff? Actually, it isn’t really hard to say goodbye to yesterday, because yesterday is already gone. It’s hard to say goodbye to people because people all want to have emotions attached to things.

Have you ever seen a movie or television program where someone gets shot, or bit by a snake or harmed in a way where they are dying, but as luck would have it they still have a moment or two, or a last breath or 10 where they have a chance to say something so profound that every cruel thing they have ever done to someone is erased? Cough, Professor Snape, cough. Or they have a tear that is so powerful that it can show just the right memories that are needed to help a young wizard know that he has to die too in order to kill Voldemort? Or such sage advice to someone that they will make it through life as a complete success because of words?

I guess it is easy to have a tear that tells your whole story of redemption, when you have MAGIC!

I guess it is easy to have a tear that tells your whole story of redemption, when you’re…MAGICAL!

Well, in the real world, maybe someone has that magical formula to figure out just the right way to say something, but they haven’t shared it with the world. Perhaps some tech savvy nerd living in Silicon Valley will come up with an algorithm that will give some the exact words and exact moment to say to the exact person to make it not completely awkward to say goodbye to someone possibly forever and they will sell that formula to the Shark Tank, but until that happens, I believe that goodbyes are never the way you see them in the movies.

Maybe this is the best way to say goodbye.

Maybe this is the best way to say goodbye.

Do you shake their hand? Punch them on the arm? Wave? Give them a hug? As we know from the Groundhog’s Day blog post of 2015, “I’m not a hugger.” – Bitter Ben.

See? Bitter Ben said this.

Proof. 

Trust me, I’ve done my best to figure out the best way to say goodbye to people, but I think burning down their village is illegal. Doing a 360 spin kick to knock a cup full of ice cold water all over their shirt I’ve heard is kind of a social faux pas. How about releasing yellow jackets in the air so everyone but the beekeeper co-workers with their white zombie virus protectant suit would go running for the hills? I’d love to eliminate the whole awkward “What do I do with my hands, or what is just the right final insult to that annoying co-worker?” thing by having some wizard poofing magic, or the ability to fly off on a broom, but I haven’t yet received my acceptance letter from Utah’s not-as-prestigious Community College of Witchcraft and Wizardry, so until then, who knows if I can fly a freaking broom or apparate correctly without splicing myself half here and half there?

Is this the best way to say Good Bye and good riddance?

Is this the best way to say Good Bye and good riddance?

In the meantime, what kind of suggestions do you have to avoid appearing like you ever cared about these people? How would you sum up how much you despised these people for so many years without sounding so rehearsed? How would you casually let someone know that revenge is coming without sounding like you’ve been planning their downfall for years? So many questions that I’m sure none of you will answer, because they are all probably rhetorical, whatever the heck that means.

ARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Bye Bye Bye Ben

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60 thoughts on “Bitter Good Byes

  1. On my last day at work, I hugged a coworker and whispered, “Hey, before I go I wanted to let you know everyone hates you, k.” and then quickly moved on to the next coworker and whispered, “Hey, before I go I wanted to let you know everyone hates you, k.” and on and on and on until everyone in the office hated everyone in the office. Diabolical! I’m sure you’re not a hugger, so maybe individual emails that are timed to go off seconds after you leave? Good luck!

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  2. I’m a navy kid and now a navy wife so goodbyes are extremely common. I usually take the person out to dinner and then stare at them while I tell them how much I dislike the fact that they are leaving. I try to do this in a godfather voice. If it’s me that’s leaving, I like to hold a party so I can give a speech about how much I hate the fact that not one of those fuckers is going to move with me!

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  3. I think your sign off has its own suggestion. You could play them that ‘Nsync song ‘Bye Bye Bye.’ It says, I don’t want to see you again, but does it through the use of a boy band featuring Justin Timberlake. People will be entertained AND get the picture.

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  4. I usually settle for a subtle and quick: “Well, goodbye then.” And then I leave. Works every time.
    Or just fake a bad cough, at least that keeps people at a safe distance (I so hate goodbye hugs and kisses, ugh!).

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  5. Whenever I don’t know how to say bye I end up elongating it, making the whole situation much more awkward. So don’t do that. Or, do. I don’t have any answers…

    byyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

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  6. I have an exit strategy for my enormous lottery win. I saw part of this on the internet, refining my plan. You have to have a strategy or you might end up like Craigory Burch Jr. But I’m not telling you what it is because you may be able to piece together my destination and find me. Oh, who am I kidding, Ben, come mooch at my secret bunker after i win. I’ll let you know just as soon as the money starts to come in. …honest!

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  7. I somewhat ghosted out once I found out my health insurance ended the very next day so I could rush to get a checkup and medication I needed within that day. Oh Lord, you know I am a pro at cooking up these things. Since a parade is out of the question, you have kids right? Tell them how much you hate those people, have them draw what it looks like for daddy to hate his co-workers, then put it in your cubicle for the oblivious population to figure out. A nice annonoymous review on Glass Door is a nice “F-up” at the end of an era. Just brainstorming here….

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  8. If we’re talking about a work going away party, you might grab the mike and break out in a rousing rendition of “Take This Job and Shove It.” If it isn’t received well, head to the john and follow Marissa’s suggestion. Your neighbors (if they are like mine) knew you were moving before you did–just princess-wave and blow kisses from the U-Haul. Good luck out there, Ben. Stay bitter. 🙂

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  9. fat chance me not answering questions: so how about: pull out your cell phone and play happy trails from the moment they start to celebrate till you can’t stand it any more and leave. or just say thanks, and later send them all a copy of this blog. one thousand times each. let them figure out which ones are meant. or better yet, just say thanks, shake hands, then laugh all the way home because you have won. you are looking at a new life.

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  10. I knew the Bees would be coming for Oprah, just a matter of time. Lovely and hysterically funny post Bitter Ben. When I contain myself I am going to be very bitter again.

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  11. Well, I have to say, you had me at the Boyz 2 Men lyrics! You sure know how to catch intelligent people’s attention. Anyway, Ben…duh!!! Haven’t you heard of ghosting?? I think especially at your own good bye party it would make a splash if you just said “I have to use the bathroom” and simply crawled out the window. Of course, those idiots probably wouldn’t even notice you were gone and would go on to have a better time without you.

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