Bitter People Repellent

Go outside....Um, I'm gonna not do that.

Go outside?….Um, I’m gonna not do that.

The other day I was forced into doing two things to sell my house. 1. Go outside and 2. Talk to people. Those two things are the leading causes of headaches, night sweats, jitteriness, and bitteriness. Obviously those things slice to my very core and make me want to parkour into some blackberry bushes.

Even worse, being outside causes this side effect that lasts for days. While you are talking and being outside, the mosquito uses it’s tiny size and ninja skills to literally suck your blood and leave a huge, red itchy unattractive bump on your body. They thrive off knowing that you didn’t plan on being outside very long.  And their bites get itchier every day you have them. Right now, I can’t even concentrate on avoiding doing work, because they are so painful. My legs are going numb from all the blood loss. If you were to plan on going outside, you would do things like wear dryer sheets in your pockets, eat more garlic or spray mosquito repellent. Or at least one of those things (two of those ideas were suggested by an insane co-worker. Guess which two?).

I’m not experienced in the outdoor arts, so I don’t know how to breathe fresh air, or how to walk on the green blade like stalks growing from the  the outdoor floor, but I do know how to attract mosquitos.

Sometimes the only way to get rid of mosquitos.

Sometimes the only way to get rid of mosquitos.

Thankfully, there are those things that can safeguards you from the tiny irritating ninja vampires. But what about the life sucking, soul reducing vampires that we call people? Why isn’t there a repellent for them? Oh? You say there is such a thing? Yeah, I guess you are right. People repellent works a little differently. It depends on the person you are trying detract. But once you find out what kind of idiot you are dealing with, you can use the right repellent.

For people like me that are terrible at math, there’s Solve for X – This sign located anywhere near your desk, in a seat next to you at a party, or in your car, will keep those pesky math averse people away from you. The sign will simply require a simple math equation be solved for X before someone can proceed to be near you.  If you want people to be kept at a football fields worth of arms length away from you, this is the product for you. When they see the Solve for X sign, they won’t be able to see you and not take an alternative route.

Me trying to Solve for X.

Me trying to Solve for X.

What about those pesky overtalkers in your life? How do I keep them away you ask? Good question. For those those oblivious to social ques, we have Honkaway. An ingenious device that infiltrates the victims car alarm and sets it off. Simultaneously, a tow truck is called. The victim will not only be interrupted by the loud noises and realize that their car is honking loudly, but their car will be towed immediately, causing them to have to rush off and not talk to you. If you do this enough times to the overtalker, they will eventually realize that it is you doing this terrible thing to them and they will leave you alone.

An annoying way to

The Honkaway. A great way to get rid of people. 

What about those people in your life that are always talking nonsense? You know, they fought a bear in the woods this weekend, took a ride on the Mars Rover, and still had time to kick it on a river rafting tour for four days on the three day weekend? For this tale teller,  we have the Yarn Spinner. For every tall tale they tell, the Yarn Spinner escalates it even further, while simultaneously spinning yarn around them, capacitating their vocal cords. Of course, this is only a temporary fix, because as soon as the Paul Bunyun gets out of the yarn, they will have more ammunition for their next tall tale. But then you pull out your laser pointer and use it on them for your amusement.

Your turn. What do you use for human repellant when people just won’t go away so you can avoid your work in peace? Let me know in the comments.

ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH

Bitter Repellent Ben

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52 thoughts on “Bitter People Repellent

  1. Good luck on the house Ben! Hmmm…..usually to block the idiot fuckwads at work I act like I’m picking my nose or scratching my ass. It normally insures them to move along quickly. 😂

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  2. Who are you calling insane. The insane one is the deadly mosquito repellent sprayer. Hmph to you. As for repelling people – look at them, keep looking at them, and don’t say anything. Preferably you will be using a blank stare.

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  3. I recently came across a book entitled “Life’s Little Annoyances” that was full of clever suggestions for dealing with such people and ways to get back a companies that send unwanted junk mail (as if there is such a thing as WANTED junk mail).

    We once had some Yarnspinners as neighbors. They couldn’t go take a shit without making it into a seven hour adventure. I don’t understand why these people don’t make their own movies. Indiana Jones is a lame SOB compared to their daily routine.

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  4. Don’t know about keeping people away. Usually if you don’t respond, they give up and move on. Mosquitoes mostly bother people with type O blood, although sweat, scent and other things draw them too. I’m a mosquito buffet. The only thing to effectively keep them away is a repellent with DEET. Too bad there is no DEET for people.

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    • I’m pretty sure I’m Type O, because those suckers seem to flock to me. I’m still getting new ones everyday. They must be thinking my arms are an ocean side resort bar and they are getting the best drinks there.

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  5. The sad truth is that some people will not be repelled by any legal means. These are the people that will not take “Shut up and go away” for an answer. Am I one of these people? Well, not really. You can easily get me to go away, but chances are I will not stay away. I’m a little bitter about my own inability in this direction, but we’re not talking about me. Also, I am supposed to be making my own blog post, not commenting on others’. D’oh!

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  6. guided missiles, bullets, knives, pepper spray in the eyes, kicks to sensitive areas, rusty sporks, “sign language,” the words “fuck” and “off,” poisoned wine, facial expressions akin to TheVerySpecialBlog -ger…I have my very own horrid R.B.F., a limited edition that conveys indifference and bitterness and rage. I try to pick the one response that fits the circumstance the best, from the spectrum of available ones.

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