Two disturbing trends lately. 1) It has come to my attention that I haven’t created any new classes for Ben’s B.I.T.T.E.R. School of Bitterness lately and that isn’t okay and B), it has come to my attention that not everyone in the world knows how to order pizza. It is imperative you know how to order pizza, as it a critical part of your success in life. Anything from getting a job, to starting a family to becoming the president of the United States, to the way more important being the President of you local Pizza Club is determined by how you order pizza. As a leading expert in the pizza sciences, I will teach you in all aspects of pizza ordering. (If you haven’t registered for school here yet, it’s not too late. It’s way economical compared to Harvard.)
As this will be a 16 week course, I won’t be able to teach it all to you in this post, but I will be able to offer a syllabus of the general things we will learn over the 16 weeks.
Before we even discuss, the how’s, why’s and methods of ordering we will do a history of the methods themselves. For instance, we will discuss the history of the ancient pre-2000 method we call the non smart telephone. We will discuss what a telephone cord is, the pre-Google method of looking up phone numbers called a phone book, what life was like before Wi-FI, phones using the “rotary dial) method, then the progress to cordless phones, to cellular phones that made only phones calls. Finally, we talk about the early history of the Smart Phone, and then finally talk about the current phablet model.
We will also discuss the early methods of social media like Friendster, MySpace, chat rooms, and then current methods of ordering pizza like Twitter, Facebook, and online ordering.
We will discuss how your physiological and biological states can affect the types of pizza you will want, the brands, the ingredients and how the ordering process can be affected.
We will have a unit on the social aspects of pizza ordering. Are you all alone? Are you with a significant other? Will your ordering skills be affected by who you are with? Are you with a small group, at a party, a work setting, at a stadium or just catching some pizza after a date. Was the date successful? Did you eat at an expensive restaurant that offered mouse like portions? Will that cause the pizza ordering to be more effective or less?
The regularity of the pizza – Are you an every Friday kind of guy or girl? Do you only order once a month or only during blue moons? Does ordering regularly get you additional benefits with the pizza place? If you are ordering regularly with the same company are you maximizing your benefits with them, or do you need to go somewhere else that will appreciate you?
Your personality types will be studied. Are you an introvert or an extrovert? Are you a thinker or a feeler? A judger or feeler? A senser or an intuitioner? We talk about the best methods for each personality type and match you with your best pizza ordering platforms.
You will be taught how to order extra items, and how to pair them with the main course. We will talk about breadsticks, garlic knots, soda pairings, wings, and deserts. We will also talk about crust types. Stuffed crust, thin crust, pan crust and deep dish. We will talk about toppings, when to use certain combinations and how to order the tricky “half pizza” to maximize an order in a large group setting.
Finally, you will put all your knowledge and skills to the test by ordering me a pizza, using money out of your own pocket. Besides a history of pizza ordering methods, you will be graded on the following criteria: Speed at which I get my pizza. The freshness and taste of the pizza, the brand and toppings pertaining the mood I’m in. The right pairings with the main pizza. And finally you will figure out the right amount to pay with tax, delivery and tip.
Many people think that pizza ordering on only the surface level, and really don’t dig deep dish enough. After this course you will have the confidence to order in any situation and have the ability to please anyone from your current crush to your boss to even the most finicky of kids with you ordering skills. Sign up today!
Bitter Pizza Ordering Makes All the Difference Ben