My Bitter Dream Jobs

Dreaming of a better job.

Dreaming of a better job.

Pretty much every job sucks because the pay isn’t enough to justify the torture they put you through, and because they make you do things that aren’t comfortable. Stuff like think, type things, not lay on the couch, not allowing your thoughts to wander, not allowing you to wear clothes that are comfortable and requiring you to wear shoes. So during one of your dose off microdreams, you have you probably have aspirations of a dream job.  Even Bitter people have dreams, though they are mostly nightmares. They don’t aspire to much, except for money so they can be more lazy, but some of these jobs would at least entice bitter people to leave the house a few times a week so their families wouldn’t have to deal with them quite as much as they already do.

He doesn't want water, he wants pizza.

He doesn’t want water, he wants pizza.

NBA Pizza Boy – Not delivery. Like a water boy at a basketball game, but the guy that brings pizza to guys after they get pulled from the game for a breather. Since 99% of athletes prefer water, Gatorade, or Powerade for their refreshment of choice when they are sweating hard, they probably don’t need a pizza guy. But in the off chance that they do, I will be there in 30 minutes or less to quench their desire for a mid third quarter pizza. In the meantime, I will be courtside observing the game and signing autographs afterwards from real pizza fans.

I probably wouldn't be this ambitious to do both couches and pillows at the same time.

I probably wouldn’t be this ambitious to do both couches and pillows at the same time.

Couch/Pillow/Bed Supervisor – Someone’s gotta do it, it might as well be someone who is an expert in the fine art of soft things that you lay down on. It’s not for the feint of heart (just kidding, it’s for the feint of heart) or the overachiever, or the type A personality. Those guys just have no idea about the exact science of laying down at just the right angles, having the proper snack storage placement, the TV geometry that it takes to truly test the couches/pillows and having the ability to fall asleep in the middle of just about anything.

Wouldn't use this good of a camera, but you get the point.

Wouldn’t use this good of a camera, but you get the point.

Gif filmmaker– There are billions of people out there doing billions of dumb things everyday and unfortunately much of it is not getting filmed. Embarrassing moments are lost to history and it is my goal to decrease that by at least 1%. If only one more person can be captured at the most embarrassing moment of their life per day, the world would be a bitter place. I will not stop (until lunch) or rest (until naptime) until I capture that moment EVERY (maybe every other) SINGLE (or maybe a double Whopper) DAY (except weekends, holidays and Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays). If I have to play a 5 minute Sarah McLaughlin fueled commercial every hour on hour on the Lifetime network to explain the necessity of these gifs plight being discovered by just one person more, I will do it (as long as it is paid for by the Ad Council).

Professional Social Media Follower – All those millions of blogs, Twitter, Instagram, YouTube and other accounts aren’t going to fake like themselves. They need the human touch to pretend to like their idiotic posts, tweets and pictures and videos in order to be validated. It might as well be a stranger who provides false hope that someone, somewhere, somehow liked their post and will somehow be just the right person to rocket them to instantaneous fame.

Action Award Hero Replacement – Action heroes work hard. They have lines to memorize, pun heavy catch phrases to invent, and scowls to perfect. They also need to learn to act tough in front of the villain. That doesn’t leave a whole lot of time to do the dangerous stunts. They don’t have time to jump off the buildings, or jumping onto helicopters. No time to dip, duck, dive, dash, or dip multiple bad guys. But they have stunt men for that. But now they don’t even have time to slack in their trailers. And that is where I come in. When they need someone to be lazy, to hang in their trailers, to watch TV and to act like a pretentious buttmunch, I would be that guy for them.

Unfortunately, dreams never come true in this country without hard work, and who has time for hard work? Hard work is what we’re trying to prevent. And besides, most workplaces have people, and that can make even the best job. So keep hoping, because that is what makes America great. And it also what dashes dreams. Go ahead and leave what you dream job is in the comments.

ARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH

Bitter Nightmare Job Ben

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47 thoughts on “My Bitter Dream Jobs

  1. Mine would be to spend all day everyday creating artwork with children I’d love it all that creativity and mess…. That is my dream. Lol yes I’m slightly mental.

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  3. Can my dream job be whatever whim I want to run after for the day? I might bake bread. I might do nothing. I might sleep. Call them what you will. In ancient times they paid or fed people to study math, astronomy or philosophy or religion. Not to say anything against religion, or math, or philosophy, but I studied all three in college and beyond and they sometimes sound like a whole lot of nothing. Playing with paint and brushes also might be fun. I want to get paid doing whatever I want to do today, including the option of pillow, mattress, high-thread-count-sheets, easy chair and entertainment system tester. Ohh, and the other ones might be restaurant critic, ice cream taster, room service and hotel hospitality reviewer… and let’s not forget one of my favorite kinds of doing nothing: writer! I love that last one too.

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  4. Well, I used to think that being a god (or goddess) was the ideal job. But then I learned that that’s a 24/7 job which requires waaay too much multitasking. And anyway, I hear there’s like, zero turnover in that field. So I’ll have to say IT systems administration, which is pretty much the next best thing.

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  5. My dream-job… panda cuddler! Did you know there’s actual people getting paid to hug toddler pandas and play with them??

    Apparently, it comes with a company car, too… D:

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  6. Social media following is fine enough. But what you really need is a service that matches up people who post stuff with people who’re all set to be raving fanboys of that stuff. You get to match a creator with an audience that’s going to fall in love with the first three weeks of the stuff and then never, ever stop moaning about how it’s gone downhill and the artist has sold out. And there’s never a shortage of new people looking for their audiences. It’s as perfect a role as we can get in this fallen world.

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  7. I’m pretty sure that being the social media follower is close to my dream job of “reader”. All I would do is read…books, blogs, etc. I wouldn’t do reviews of what I read (because that is work!), I would just read.

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