I don’t know if you know this but today is Father’s Day and you know what that means. Two little kids owe me some breakfast in bed and a new jet ski because of all that fathering I’ve been doing for them ever since they became my little
tax deductions, uh little wonderful kids. They know where their bitter bread is buttered. Or at least there better be some buttered toast with the eggs and bacon they make me later. They know if they don’t do something special for me tomorrow, then I’m going to make them work 60 hours a week at their jobs instead of the normal 40 they have to work. I mean they are 8 and 11, for goodness sakes. Time for them to start pulling their weight around here.
In the end, Father’s Day has never been about the breakfast, or even the love and affection people have about their father’s. It’s all about the gifts and lemme tell you they better be good. I mean, you should see some of the awesome gifts I got my dad.
Last year I made him a macaroni portrait with my crayons, and he told me I did such a great job almost staying in the lines on that one. Another time I got him a lecture-a-day clock. It was an amazingly awesome passive aggressive gift that simultaneously made him laugh and made him bitter for implying that he ever lectured me. But you know, at least he found two new lectures that he hadn’t thought of yet. And of course, there was that one year I got him a Father’s Day card. He totally gave my siblings bitter stares that year because they only get him a gift certificate to a fancy restaurant that year. Talk about unappreciative siblings.
But this year, I am going to get him the best gift ever (besides of course this blog post in his honor). I’m going to give him the gift of invention. I’m going to invent a really awesome product that will not only make me rich, but also famous. Once it becomes an international phenomenon, I will give him one of the products at 10% off. Because I’m generous like that. Don’t ever say I’m not generous, dad.
And here’s the best gift of all dad. A dad’s revenge. I’VE BECOME YOU. Your Granddaughter calls me old just like I call you old. I’ve got some gray hairs, just like yours. I tell my kids, “No more cookies!” just like you used to say to me. And best of all for YOU, when I tried to tell my daughter a funny pun the other day, she said, “Nice DAD Joke!” Thanks for everything, dad. By the way, I need to borrow about a million dollars for my invention. Happy Father’s Day!
No mon, no fun, your son Bitter Ben