It’s inevitable. Whether you like it or not, Superhero movies are here to stay and they aren’t going anywhere. Once the comic book Titans figured out that the stories inside their nerdy pages could be made into less nerdy movies that make tons of nerdy money at the box office, the comic book train of movies will never come back to the station. Not that I’m not a marginal fan of a few of them, but be honest people, a lot of these superpowered heroes are ones you had never heard of. Unless you were a comic nerd in high school, had you ever heard of Ant-Man before it came out? And were we kidding with him? I saw the movie on cable just so that I wasn’t completely lost when he appeared out of nowhere in the next few movies. I still haven’t figured out what powers he has or how he got them.
And the weird thing about all these guys is that as soon as they get some sort of power, they feel some sort of need to find other supers to team up with. Whether they have a Hall of Justice or a Team of Avengers, or a team of Super Villains, they need to team up. If I had some powers, I know I wouldn’t be the Uncle Ben saying, “With great power, comes great responsibility.” I’d be the Bitter Uncle Ben thinking, “With this power, comes great irresponsibility.”
These super powered ladies and gentlemen got good at their powers because they worked at them. But I’d be the kind that just wouldn’t have the time to work on my powers. I have a job, and Scouts and kids and a couch that would really miss me if I was away on super powered work trip all the time. Am I going to mess with my few minutes a day that I normally take a nap so I can develop a super power that is just going to help others? My powers should benefit me, not mankind.
Freeze breath: I’d probably use this to make my ice machine finally work after all these years of being lazy like me. But then I would take it too far and freeze the line for the fridge and then it would stop working at all. My kids would probably ask me to get them ice in their soda, and freeze the hose water on the trampoline, but then one of the ice chunks would hit one of the neighborhood kids in the leg and they would go cry and whine to their moms that I was making too many ice jokes, like “Ice see what you mean.”
Invisibility: This would come in handy when I needed to eavesdrop on a meeting, but I hate meetings, and would probably end up falling asleep and snoring, and then appearing again. It would make for some awkward stares especially since the whole meeting was about how they could fire me without getting in big trouble with the ACLU or something.
Telekinesis: I think this means I could move telephones with my mind. That would actually be really great, because I really don’t like phones. Anytime the phone rang, I wouldn’t have get up from the couch. I could use my mind to bring the phone to me, then gently smash it against the fireplace, because I don’t want to answer it. I think it would mean I could move televisions too, so it would be great to be able to change the channel without the remote control. And even if my kids had the remote, I could still mess with them.
Super Speed: It would be nice to not have to factor in travel time wherever I went or win the 200 meter dash at the Olympics against Usain Bolt cause you know, he thinks he’s so fast. But running is the worst. I mean I have a bad back, and shin splints and my knees are on their last uh…legs? So every time I ran somewhere, I’d be panting really heavily afterwards, and I would have to sit down for a day or two to recover, and then I would have to be super lazy for the rest of the week. And I would say I don’t have time to do stuff, but them people would say, “Just superspeed here.” and I wouldn’t have any excuses.
Super Strength: I would probably use this to get out of bed in the morning, because man, is it a monumental effort to do that most days now. It would also be nice if I turned Hulk green so people at work would know when they were making me angry and they wouldn’t like it when I got angry.
Walk through solid objects: I guess this would be fine if I locked myself out of my car or was trying to field a fly ball as I was running full speed ahead into an outfield wall, but then I would miss the catch and cost our team the game and they would get really mad at me. And someday I might be distracted, and accidentally walk into a vault with lots of money and accidentally steal all the savings you had in the bank and then they would falsely accuse me of robbery and I would go to jail and I would walk right out, so the government would have to invent some sort of magical jail cell that was made of something I couldn’t walk through and it would cost the government all kinds of money to invent this jail and you would be out all the tax money for that. All that because I “accidentally” stole a bunch of money in a vault. Can’t a guy just walk through walls and steal money without all the fuss?
I’m sure there are all kinds of other powers I could screw up. Let me know what powers I could screw up in the comments. Or let me know what power you could screw up. This is a safe bitter place where we can all talk about the crimes we would commit without having the FBI monitor this site right?
Bitter Power Screw up Ben