I may never have been in jail, but that doesn’t mean I have never been in prison. And while in prison everyone needs to learn how to fight. But before we discuss the fighting, let’s first talk about how we get in prison.
Everyone has been there before. We are happily dwelling in this zone. We have a nice couch, a TV, a remote control and some pizza. Living in comfort, no need to get up from the couch, just chilling watching TV. Then the doorbell rings and we have to made a decision. Should we just ignore the doorbell and enjoy the comforts of the couch and the TV and the pizza or should we get up from the couch and answer the door? You never know what is on the other side of the door. It could be an annoying salesperson that follows you around trying to sell you something you definitely don’t need. Or it could be someone that has a more comfortable couch and wants to know if they can come in and sit on it with you.
So you and this person sit on the comfortable couch together and find your comfortable place on the couch. For a while you both mutually agree on your place on the couch, but then one of you decides that the other side of the couch looks more attractive and they want to sit there at the same time as you.
This is known as Awkward zone, where the two people who used to be fine with their sections of the couch are now faced with a decision. One couchmate wants more couch space, while the other is perfectly fine using the couch as they always have. As couch friends. One of them wants to be couch exclusive, while the other wants to share the couch with others. This causes the eternal struggle we call the friend couch zone. So, what is a solution for these two couch friends?
How about we skip the friend zone and go straight to The Enemy Zone. Why bother dragging out the friend zone, when the enemy zone is so much more fun? Who doesn’t like a knockdown drag out battle to the death!
Let’s take a look at many of the weapons used in the Enemy Zone.
“Passive Aggressiveness, I choose you!” This deadly weapon is a subtle barb that is disguised as a friendly non threatening phrase, but is meant to burrow down deep inside someone’s soul with the intent to burn.
“Made up Rumors and Gossip, I choose you!” These half truths become whole truths by the spreading them through a grapevine. And once entered on the grapevine they spread like wildfire.
“Eye Roll, I choose you!” This cold stare freezes your very soul and leaves you helpless to move.
“Back Stab, I choose you!” This attack works best by building a wall of trust around the front, but allowing the back to be exposed. When the person feels most comfortable, a stab to the back!
“Death Talk, I choose you!” This attack works best for people that like to talk against people that don’t. If you talk monotonally for long enough, the person will get bored…to death.
“Slap in the Face, I choose you!” This is similar to the back stab, but a more direct attack to the face. It is still meant as a surprise, but while the attackers is watching for more devastating effect.
“Punch in the Gut, I choose you!” This is a finisher move, meant to be a final blow to someone’s ego. This one is meant to make an opponent stagger long after the fight is over.
In this battle there is only bitterness and animosity that will last a lifetime. And isn’t that what we(me really) are all striving for? I mean, who needs friends when you can have way cooler enemies?
Bitter Enemy Zone Ben