I’m only good at a few things. I excel at laying on the couch. I can make macaroni and cheese. I’m pretty good at almost finishing things in video games. I’m pretty great at zoning out at a moment’s notice. On Friday, when I was getting my pizza, then driving to the library, I realized that I excel at driving while having a hot pizza in my car. I was able to navigate the city streets, while grabbed a poorly cut pizza, and simultaneously grabbing it at just the right angle so it didn’t spill all over my shirt, which is kind of funny, because when I’m just sitting at my desk, I can manage to spill just about every time.
When thinking about this, it lead to me think that there are probably other pizzaficiandos across the world that are almost as talented as me in certain pizza aspects. Then I realized the Olympics are coming this year. And I thought, “Why isn’t there a Pizzalympics?”
Here are just a few Pizza Event ideas that could be implemented:
Pizza Delivery: Drivers navigate a busy route, with obstacles, while trying to eat hot pizza. They are judged by how few stains they get on shirts, how little they get on their car seats, the angle of the way they hold the pizza and how much they finish before they get to their destination.
Pizza Cake: Blind taste testing. This is not for the weak of pizza constitutions. Pizzathletes are tasked with blind tasting pizza and identifying a stray piece of onion, squid, sardine or other weird tasting ingredient.
Pizza Marathon: You are starving, and nothing will quench your craving but pizza. You must call pizza delivery and endure the 45 minutes to infinity that you may have to endure waiting for your pizza. Outwit, outplay, outlast your opponents in the ultimate contest of endurance.
Pizza Pipeline: A winter event where people ride on their backs on a downhill track while eating pizza. Judged by how fast they get down the track, but higher percentage of points on how much of their pizza is finished.
Ultimate Pizza Frisbee: A contest of pizza tossing to teammates and pizza receiving in their mouths in order to get a touchdown of pizza deliciousness.
Pizza Pockets: Similar to pool, a turn based contest of angles and getting pizza rolls into six different pockets.
Pizza Party: A party of six people giving their requests to the pizza orderer and that person getting an order called in in the fastest time, getting the least amount of complaints and losing the least amount of hair, and going the least amount of insane.
Pizza Box High Jump: Progressively jumping higher and higher amounts of pizza boxes from dorm room collections.
Pizza Sauce 50m Freestyle: Swimming in 50 meters of pizza sauce the fastest.
So pizzathletes, what events do you want to see? Any you would excel at?
Bitter Pizzaficianado Ben