Yesterday’s post was about the Beneral Election for President of the Bitter Blog of Bittermerica. Or was it? Nope it actually wasn’t. Yesterday was simply my way of saying it was my four year Bitter Blogiversary and not one person commented on that. Aaaand that makes me bitter. Either everyone knew but just didn’t say it, or I’m just too clever for my britches. One way or another, I’m either really bitter at all of you(which shouldn’t shock you), or really bitter at me for being a little too clever(again shouldn’t shock you). Regardless, ARRRRGGGGGHHHH.
Now onto the bitter subject of the day.
I’m not a big fan of leaving the house when I don’t have to, but when I do, I like it to be a place where I am comfortable going. To a Game Stop to peruse my next new favorite video game to sit at home and be lazy playing, a La-Z-Boy recliner store to test out recliners which I will sit in at home playing the video game I got at Game Stop to sit at home being lazy, or Pizza Hut to get a pizza which I will enjoy eating while sitting on my La-Z-Boy recliner and playing the video game I got at Game Stop while sitting at home being lazy. Alright you can take a short breath while finishing that sentence. Now, back to my point.
I enjoy going to the grocery store because there is food there. But this time of year, there is a barrier, a battleground if you will, that gets in my way. I have ammo for this confrontation, but this isn’t just a one time battle, it is a war that lasts probably as long as any war ever. It is the conflict between me and the Girl Scouts. I have my mission to go inside a grocery store, and they have their mission of stopping me and selling me cookies BEFORE and AFTER I go inside. It is a battle that has left many scars both for me(damaging my already butterfly filled wallet) and them(their fragile little 8-12 year old egos).
Don’t get me wrong. I am an expert level ninja when it comes to saying no. My son knows this, which is why he always asks my wife. There is a 1% better chance he will get a maybe(which he figured out means yes). In fact, me saying no to him has inspired a song, which goes like this. “Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope a nope nope, nope nope nope a nope nope nope, nope nope nope.” Sung to the tune of The Nope song, which was invented by me. I take great pride in being able to say no to not only my son, but sales pitches (whether at my door, or at home, or on the phone), and to Girl Scout Cookies, especially when we have purchased cookies before, but when they are at the doors of each and every grocery store from the middle of February to the end of April, the creativity of my different ways of saying no starts to wain.
This is not to say that I don’t like or don’t get Girl Scout cookies. We enjoy the product just as much as the next victim. Just like any drug user, we have our suppliers. We go to the same couple of sources every year for the freshest product, our close family friends and buy a storage unit full of Thin Mints, and Samoans, but we don’t have a Fort Knox/Scrooge McDuck vault in our house in order to support the whole Girl Scout industry.
Speaking of industry, did you see what Chris Rock did on the Oscars? Kind of devious, kind of unfair, kind of hilarious, because he knew that celebrities would pay exorbitant amounts of money for the cookies, and he was probably hoping that he would see some celebrities eat a carb for the first time in decades. Either way, it made me bitter to see him take advantage of his 80 million people audience that way, when he could have been mentioning my blog instead. Some people, I swear.
And speaking of the revenue of the Girl Scouts, do you have any idea what the money for these cookies go? Besides lining the pockets of the Girl Scout executives, I think the rest goes to their yearly “Girl Scout Adventures”. Meaning Disney World, trips to Paris, safaris in Africa, and museum trips to the Louvre. All I know is that as a Boy Scout, we went door to door selling garbage bags, that supported our trips to the local no frills campsite in waterproof tents that only leaked in the middle of the tent and on the sides if you touched them. Or to a local avalanche, where we built snow caves built for three, that housed six(most uncomfortable night of my entire life ever, which if you ask me, you will get the bitterest rant ever).
The battle will continue for weeks. Me saying no in every way possible and them consistently trying to make me hate grocery stores for the rest of my life. Me poking my head of out the car, surveying the area for any signs of the green uniform, them trying to use their little sweet smiles and sad puppy dogs eyes to buy their way to Disney World. Let’s see who survive the Girl Scout Cookie battle of 2016.
Bitter Cookiepacalypse Ben