On March 8th, 2012, exactly 4 year ago, we elected Bitter Ben to become president of this Bitter Blog, because, well, no one else ran. But now that his four years are up, it is time for someone, anyone else to step up. We need to elect a new leader of this blog. Bitter Ben has taken literally no advantage of his power and has run this blog into obscurity. What was once a thriving community of super bitter people has been turned into bunch of citizens who actually care about things outside of their little worlds. This menace to society, bitterness, apathy and laziness, cannot be allowed to continue as the President of the United Bitter Blog of Bittermerica.
He will try to continue his bitter reign by laying around his couch in hopes that no one else will give a care about running for this highest job in all of this blog, but this blog is whining for help. Clearly there is someone lazier, bitterer, or less qualified for this job. Can I get an ARRRRRGGGGH? Can I get an exasperated sigh, an eye roll, or even a whine? We need to rally around someone else, any one else to please just take over this blog.
The blog climate is in dire straights. We need someone that cares about the environment…al theme of this blog. We need someone to gives 2 craps about global warming…of the hard drive. We need some who can affect the climate change…of topics around here. We need someone who cares about the energy crisis of Ben in the mornings…and afternoon…and evenings.
We need to elect someone that cares about fiscal irresponsibility. Someone who will misspend on the least important things, and forget about the really important things. Someone who misunderstands the relationship of supply and demand of posts people want, who will find just the wrong bloggers to be in debt with, who can mismanage the blog housing market, and will fund the Maddoff’s of the blogosphere. Essentially we need someone who understands how to run the benconomy into the ground.
We need someone that will be open to immigration…of posts, whether they be from registered platforms like WordPress, Tumblr, or Blogger, or unregistered ones like MySpace, Friendster, and AOL. We need someone who will let any old virus, malware or bitterware in. The posts of this blog deserve the least amount of protection from outside these walls.
We need someone that is soft on crime and will accept bribes from well established special interests advertisers like 1%er’s Nike, Ford, Comcast and Geico, or bottom of the barrel click baits, like “Here’s why movie characters eat at the most inappropriate times”. We need someone who will crowd and confuse this website so even the most optimistic of traffic will run screaming from the Bitter Blog.
We need a bitter president that will weaken our relationships overseas. Someone who we can count on to give us the weakest possible global presence. Someone who will offends citizens of all other blogs, no matter their nationality.
We need a Bitter President who will not only strengthen the bitterness of the website, but will also encourage us to weaken our bodies with pizza eatage. He or she should also encourage other varieties of foods that are bad for us, like pasta, bread, things with mercury in them, straight sugar drinks, high buttery foods, and french fries. They should discourage the usage of vegetables, salads, kale, and other green and gross looking health stuff.
And most of all, we need someone who will ignore the citizens of WordPress and not respond to their comments. This “listening” and “responding with rational thoughts” has gone on long enough around here. We need someone who will help the citizens understand that their thoughts and issue DO NOT matter around here, and are not welcome. The CITIZENS TO NOT RE-ELECT BITTER BEN FOR PRESIDENT OF BEN’S BITTER BLOG wants your vote and need your help in finding the next bitter president of this blog. Please send your contributions to this site and let your voice be heard. Who will help us find the next Bitter President of the United Bitter of Blogmerica?
Tell us in the comments who you want to be next bitter president? How much money will your contribute? How much bribe money can you give? Do you want to be bitter president? Let us end the 4 year run of Bitter Ben…Please! Make this blog bitter again!
Show your support by saying ARRRRRGGGGGHHHH
Bitter Takeover of the Blog Ben