Now that New Year’s is over we can finally stop talking about our New Year’s Revulsion’s and improving and growing and learning stuff and talk about what is really important. Not people. Those things are the worst. Unpredictable, loud, annoying, talkative, messy, bad at reading signals like the Go Away in my voice, or the I’m Busy, in my eye roll. Like Dwight Shrute says, “There’s too many people on this earth. We need a new plague.”
As you all know, 2015 was a disaster just like every other year, but it was early on in 2015, when I knew it was going to suck. I experienced the unexpected death of my favorite person in the world, MacBook Pro. One day, we were watching YouTube together, while thinking of another blog post we could do together when MacBook Pro lost his vision. Though his CPU was still breathing, his hot loud motor was running, his face went blank. I couldn’t see MacBook’s face anymore. I’ve never cried so hard in my life. I brought him to the doctor and found out that he wasn’t covered on my insurance (because I didn’t get Apple Care) so it would cost him $700+ to repair. Knowing it was more than my budget could bear, we had to let MacBook Pro go to the computer graveyard (the mantle where we put our old computers) to collect dust.
I bitterly mourned MacBook Pro for weeks, even writing a proper send off to my old pal in a blog post earlier this year.
Nothing could replace my old Pal Macbook, but I had to move on. I got another Macbook Pro, but he just wasn’t the same. Smaller screen, newer features, but blogging just wasn’t the same. I started my bitter 2015 with a newer, yet lesser version of my bitter self, because my cold, metal heart, never really left MacBook Pro.
Every once in a while, when no one was looking, I would try to resuscitate my old friend, but to no avail. He wasn’t coming back.
But then, the holiday quadrant of the year started, and people asked, “What do you want for Christmas?” and of course, I gave them the pat answer of “Video games. Headphones. More memory.” More memories with my beloved computer.
My wife asked what I really wanted. “Honestly, I want to bring my computer back to life,” knowing full well it wouldn’t happen.
“Why don’t you go find out how much it would cost.” I already knew what it would cost as I got it assessed at $700+. I knew it was a lost cause, but was hoping that if I withdrew any other requests for Christmas, maybe a miracle would happen.
I called around all the places and of course, got stonewalled. Stonewalled by another computer called voicemail trees. In order to actually talk to someone at one of these stores you had to talk to their answering machines. Which would have been fine if I had my OWN machine, MacBook Pro to be able to talk to them. But alas, I did not.
I was so desperate at this point, that I knew the only option I had was to take the most dangerous and treacherous journey ever. I had to brave Christmas traffic and holiday crowds on December 18th (a holy day to some known as the first day of the New Star Wars) to go to a Apple Store and talk to a PERSON. A Genius they called him.
I don’t know if I would call him a genius, but he was able to give me one thing that could change the course of my journey. Though I am usually not fond of numbers, this number changed the tides. This number could possibly bring my bitter old friend back from the dead. The number was $310 (plus tax of course) a number which was less than half of the amount I was previously counting on. $310 sounds like a lot of money for a lot of people to do a lot of things, but for me that day, it was the number that would bring my old friend back.
I gave them my American Express and my dead friend over to the Genius who sent him to a medical specialist in California and 3 days later, my friend was back. Alive. All his processors working again. Every Pixel working, every memory restored. Just when you thought I forgot something bitter to say about you all, I got all my memories back(every single minibite). Ready to make Bitter YouTube videos and write bitter stories and bitter blog posts and ready to complain about everything and everyone again. We are finally reunited and it feels so bitter.
Get ready for team Bitter Ben and Bitter MacBook Pro to make you even more bitter in 2016.
Bitterly ever after
ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHH
Bitter Ben and MacBook Pro
The perfect gift – a partner in bitterness.
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Exactly. Bitterness is always more bitter when you share.
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So happy that you and your Macbook Pro was able to be together again and you’ll be able to be just as bitter as ever this year. This is my first post that I’m reading and I am following you immediately. Too hilarious!
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Yeah, bitterness just wasn’t the same without MacBook Pro.
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I can dig it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xos2MnVxe-c
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I’m bitterly happy for your both!
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We have been spending a lot of time together lately.
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Oh good! That’s important after being separated for so long.
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Yeah, we both had separation anxiety.
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This is the ultimate, no not the ultimate, but the penultimate (even though I know for a fact that you don’t use a pen, or a pen.cil, to write these posts) blog to start 2016 which will undoubtedly be at least as bitter as 2015, though it’s hard to see how. Thank you!
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Yep, just getting an early start on the suckitude this year is going to be.
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I’m so glad to hear about your friend, Mac! Nothing like resuscitating an old computer. My old PC is still limping along. It stores my photos. Don’t worry. i have an external hard drive too.
Two months after buying my MacBook Pro, the OS failed. Luckily, I had just backed up my hard drive. Computers can take years off our lives!
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Especially when they are supposed to be our brains for everything.
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Right???
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BITTERLY EVER AFTER!!!!!!
…I think that is my new favorite ending.
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Perhaps it should be my new ending instead of ARRRRGGGGHHHH
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Yes! Although “Bitterly Ever After” sounds like the ending of some twisted children’s book, so then you might start having young, innocent readers, and then you’d have to start filtering out some of your bitterness, and nobody wants that.
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I’ve always wanted to write a twisted kids book. What are my chances of getting something like that published?
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If you have me illustrate it with twisted, bitter imagery… 100%. Those are your chances of getting prosecuted, er, published.
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Oh my gosh, that’s right. You are an up and coming graphic artist. That would be perfect. I was just telling my mom last night that I wanted to do a bitter grown up kids book and she’s like, well you need someone to illustrate. You just become my partner on this. 🙂
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YESSSSSSSS! My bitter heart just grew a few sizes. You know my secret identity, so we could legitimately partner up on spreading our bitterness to children everywhere!!! Mwahahaha!
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I love this idea! I will get to thinking about my idea and share with you when I come up with some legit ideas!
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I thought about teasing you, and then I rememebered how my precious iPad sleeps on its own pillow next to me every night. Oh wait – did I just admit that?
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Feel free to tease me on that. My computer is way better than people in lots of ways, and I’m not ashamed of that.
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“Unpredictable, loud, annoying, talkative, messy, bad at reading signals like the Go Away in my voice, or the I’m Busy, in my eye roll.” Your description of people is just too perfect!
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Yeah, I pretty much call it how I see it.
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I am bitterly awaiting to see what you and your bitter macbook come up with to make my 2016 as bitter as it can be. Have a very bitter day Ben.
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All I know is if the last few years are any indication, it will be an exceedingly bitter year and one that will be written about extensively.
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Aahhh Bitter Ben – I have the same issue(s)! Would give my left foot to make sure my best techno buddy stays alive! I HATE UPGRADES! New is not always improved! LOL thank you for sharing your pain!
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It was a bitter year waiting for my buddy to come back to life. It was just a pain for both of us.
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Hm this makes me think I should take the “service battery” warning I’ve been getting on my MacBook more seriosuly. Glad to hear you and your friend have been reunited!
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I was quite a reunion. We watched YouTube together. And were bitter about people together.
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It figures that your best friend in the world is one that will not talk back. Bitter 2016 Ben!
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And one that remembers everything for me. And has Google and YouTube and all my blog posts.
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