A little while ago, I was telling my son about the glamorous life of being an adult and he was like, “Dad, I totally want to trade. I want to go to work, and you can go to my school! You can be the kid and I can be an adult. You can do boring math, and I can do fancy spreadsheets.” Of course, having more experience than him in the world of body swapping cinema, I bitterly declined the invitation. As you know, all body swapping movies are the same. The easy going one learns the bitter lessons of being too chill. The overly ambitious one learns the lesson of being way too ambitious. Everyone gets their happy ending, no one talks about the fight club and then they get their vastly improved lives back.
The problems with me body swapping are two fold. First, I don’t want to learn a lesson. Not only would I have to go to school everyday and learn things for the first time like math and reading, but I would have to learn life lessons, like what it’s like to be fun and fancy free and how to relate to kids or something. Learning is so boring and life affirming.
Second, let’s just say I’m already uncomfortable trying to get into a 2XL T-shirt. And size 8 shoes. I don’t like squeezing toothpaste into the tube. It just isn’t safe for a guy of my size to be a kid of his size. There are just way too many uncomfortable things going on there. Talk about trying to squeeze the toothpaste back into the tube. Let’s just not think about it.
And speaking about not fitting in, try breaking into the 2nd grade crowd. Have you met these super cliquie monsters? I stand a better chance of getting into the Space Program at NASA than getting a table at the 2nd grade in-crowd. Unless I can bring it at recess tetherball, I’m not gonna be invited to 2nd grade prom.
Here’s how it would go. As soon as I figured out the good things about being a kid, like playing video games and having no responsibilities whatsoever, I would realize the bitter side of those. My dad(son) wouldn’t let me play any video games that were teen rated or above and I could only play for 30 minutes. I would have to do my homework, eat my veggies, brush my teeth, and then he would make me go to bed at 8 pm. I haven’t gone to bed at 8 pm since I was…8. And I wouldn’t even be able to bring my phone into my room. And if I get pissed, I can’t even take a drive anywhere, because I won’t even get a fake license until I turn 9.
Though I would probably ace the spelling tests, and English papers, I would still probably struggle with the math. And talk about a social pariah, the kid would come back from that week with no friends and a teacher wondering how a little 8 year old could be so bitter about life.
The worst part is that with my luck, I would get spliced like Ron in Harry Potter and be half stuck in some weirdo limbo dimension on the way back, where my son would get all the good traits, and I would get all the bitter worst. Actually, maybe this happened and I just forget. Now whose head has been messed with?
ARRRRGGGGHHHHH
Bitter Swapped Ben
I guess the only good way to “swap” into another persons life is to read a book or watch a movie. Characters, unlike real people, are like grandkids. When you get tired of them, you can put them down or hand them off or abandon them entirely.
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Yeah, thank goodness this stuff isn’t real, or I would be really bitter. No way I want to be anyone else.
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I’d trade places with my 2-year old daughter in a second. I would love it if someone carried me around all day, feed me snacks and let me nap whenever I wanted to. Plus, I’d get to make messes everywhere and other people would clean it up. I’m not sure I’d like the diaper thing, but I’d get over it. So really, your problem is that your son is too old for you to make the swap worth it for you. 🙂
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Yeah, but I bet you would be pretty bitter that you wouldn’t get to stay up and watch TV, go anywhere without your mom dragging you there and no drivers license? I bet you’re rethinking things now, huh?
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TV? The only thing playing on my TV is Barney and Elmo. Maybe it would be different if I could watch a dinosaur/muppet-free show. But for now, the possibility of a nap trumps everything.
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Oh yes, those days when you had to watch all kids shows. I’m so glad my kids are finally out of those stages.
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Hands down, the worst part about being a kid is homework. Too bad there are no days that start with a ‘B’ cause then it could be like Freaky Friday only your could be Bitter Tuesday but like with a B so Bitter Buesday or something like that which actually, if you pronounce it out loud sounds more like a day when you go to the bar and drown your bitter sorrows.
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They really need to rename a day, especially a day of the week that is bitter. A Monday or a Tuesday. I still wouldn’t want it to be a movie though. Horrible movie, terribly boring.
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You need to make your own horrible movie.
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I’ve already made a horrible trailer for my bitter news and that was a lot of work. A whole movie?
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You can just point the camera on the couch while you doze off for a few hours. Didn’t Nick Offerman do one of him just sipping brandy…and I think Shia LeBeouf did one of him watching a movie marathon of himself.
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Now that is a great idea. I think the Nick Offerman one works because he’s that type of guy AND famous. It wouldn’t work for me, but then again, I’m not really in it for the ratings.
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I know, really.What you have to think about is, if there is anyone you can get to watch the video from beginning to end. If you can get just one person to do this, I think it would be totally worth it.
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I think if I marketed this toward solitary confinements in jails in which there is almost nothing else to do but sit in the dark, I think it would do quite well. Though I would have to convince jailers to allow it in solitary confinement.
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It shouldn’t be a big deal. They know who you are, right?
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Yeah, I guess they do know who I am. That might breed familiarity, which would make them not want to watch it and just stare at the wall instead.
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Do you think that would be more interesting?
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They’re still making kids do math in school? Don’t we have calculators for that stuff? Heck, when I was 8, I told my parents that I didn’t need math because I wasn’t going to do anything in life that required the use of math. They asked me what job I thought I was going to have as an adult. You should have seen the looks on their faces when I told them I was going to be an accountant. I was 8. What did I know? Now I’m a writer. Does that mean I can spell? Heck no! That’s what spell check is for!
On a less bitter note, do you ever host guest bloggers? I have some things I’m feeling pretty darned bitter about.
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Yeah, math definitely seems pretty useless, especially for engineers and accountants.
I kept telling people I was going to be an advertising copywriter and look what I ended up as. A freaking ad…ministrative rep. So close in the alphabet and yet so far in everything else. And I can’t spell or do math, so I’m screwed.
And yeah, I accept guest blogs. I should have got some this week since I hate doing them from home, but yeah send me what you got. The only thing I ask is no swearing. Just a thing I try to avoid.
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No worries there….swearing requires me to use energy….I prefer not to use energy. Where should I send it?
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Energy definitely takes too much energy. I prefer not to use it too.
Send it to bengardner2000@gmail.com.
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Will do!
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Sounds good!
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FYI – Happy New Year!
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Yep, it is almost here for me. Just hit 10:00 pm. I think in Australia it’s already New years.
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Tetherball… I loved that stupid tetherball….
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I got my butt kicked in that stupid sport. But four square…I didn’t mess around.
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Kinda…..
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Kinda what, Ellen?
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Ha! This is one of your best posts yet. Not only did you make a Harry Potter reference (winning!), but you made me laugh out loud again with your second-to-last paragraph: “…wondering how a little 8 year old could be so bitter about life.” Yessssss.
Don’t forget all the bitterness of elementary school crushes, passing a love note to the dreamiest kid in class, only to have them check the box that says “No.” That is where it all begins, the 8 year old bitterness…
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I had so much bitterness in elementary that there is no way I would go back. I have enough bitterness now to deal with. And yeah, I figured you would like the Harry Potter reference.
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This sounds like a version of Freaky Friday I would enjoy. I imagine a hyper 8-year-old running around in your couch-surfing pizza-filled body and being hammered with aches and pains. That should make him bitter!
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It would be quite fun for him and I would just be in pain the whole time. No way I’m doing it.
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Love this!
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I thought about talking about who else I wouldn’t want to swap with, but the list was too long.
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Yes, that would be very true for me too. I have four kids including the little subject for my blog, Dorian, and I wouldn’t want to trade my 38-year-old self to go through adolescence for anything. Watching my 12-year-old deal with emotions can be really painful sometimes. I like being in my own skin, problems and all.
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I just wouldn’t want to go all the way back and start alll over. Just knowing all the stuff they go through.
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Me either…
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Though with my bitter luck I would be stuck in a loop between 8 and 42 forever.
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I would be stuck from 9 to 14, chuckle.
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Talk about the awkward ages. Have fun stuck in that bitter era.
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Bitter and confusing. My 12-year-old is having a crazy time with emotions as of late.
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How dare him be a 12 year old with emotions. I have an 11 year old girl with emotions and I’m pretty bitter about it too.
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lmao
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That sounds painful!
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i cough violently when lmao-ing :,(
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So is there a whole new disease associated with LMAOing?
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medical marijuana will be legal everywhere soon, so… yeah XD
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It’s already legal here for recreational purposes, so…
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wish I lived in your state 😁
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And, I wish I didn’t. We have a shop just right down at the bottom of my hill from my job.
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um… are you a cop? :O I’d understand how it could be… frustrating. 😦
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No, I have trouble with authority, so I could never be a cop.
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YOU DON’T TALK ABOUT FIGHT CLUB
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Oh shoot, I talked about the fight club. What are they going to do to me know? I won’t be able to get pummeled anymore? What ever will I do?
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distract them with another blog post full of memes and .gif peanut butter, lol.
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I just did this this morning. So hopefully it distracted them long enough not to fight me.
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they were all sleeping this morning after the new year celebration, so you’re probably way down in everyone’s reader thingy. moar memes are required of you! 😁
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Yeah, too bad, I’m too lazy to get high on the Reader thingy. They’ll have to go find it or just find it next week.
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fighting words 😜
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Like Street Fighter fighting words.
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it was nice knowing ya
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You must be really good at Street Fighter. I was never any good at fighting games, except to mash buttons together.
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Lol, and your son would write blog posts full of earnest happiness and cheer. Good thing you didn’t swap. Happy, bitter New Year to you!
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Yeah, he would be in charge of that and people just wouldn’t understand. This must not happen.
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Agreed.
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I made sure that didn’t happen.
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