Dear Bitter Old Man…
Hey Old Bitter Ben,
You will probably never see this because I assume you are wearing super thick glasses that only allow you to read huge billboard signs, but you won’t ever get to see those because you are stuck inside all day. Either that or you can’t drive and can only get to the store when one of your kids takes pity and comes to visit once a year.
Just thought I would give you a heads up that I am doing things right now that are going to make you quite miserable and bitter. Just know right now that I have a healthy appetite and by healthy I mean I don’t eat healthy but a lot. Mostly pizza, and burgers, fries, and stuff that you can probably feel in your veins right now. In fact, I’m gonna be killing off some cells a little bit later when I have breakfast. Say goodbye to those cells you were hoping would still be alive today.
Right Samus?
Also, I’m doing a really good job of keeping you down by not exercising. Not only am I not exercising, but I’m proactively going out of my way to not even get good circulation throughout the day. Sitting in a chair, and not getting up except for the most extreme emergencies like lunch, or the bathroom, and then sitting in a car for 1 1/2 hours going home, and then sitting on the couch as much as possible when I get home.
Here is some of the exercise I’m doing.
Oh, and I bet your back and knees are feeling it too. You can mostly blame that on earlier Bitter Ben because he thought he was going to be a pro basketball player when he was younger. So he ran around playing basketball well into his mid 30’s, thinking that the Spurs were going to pick up an aging white guy, with the 1 1/2 inch vertical and the sweet ability to not be able to dribble. He thought he could shoot, but only when he was wide open, but not too wide open, because he would choke. And he was a great passer when it came to be a little too fancy, when simple would have been way better. In fact, he was trying to be awesome in a game once by chucking it behind his back, but ended up hitting his teammate in the face. It was a proud moment his teammate would never forget, or forgive him for. But he’s the one that made the knees sore all the time.
I have so much experience from pain, I list it on my resume.
The back, well that was started at a young age of never really learning how to lift things properly. I carry on the tradition of not taking good care of the back. I bet you are bitterly shaking your fist at the sky right now as you are bent over not reading this.
Oh and all that post traumatic stress you are having? Those are from us too. They came from not getting enough sleep and watching too many things on TV and video games. Someone news people kept trying to warn us about how those things could be hazardous to our future selves, but I wasn’t concerned. I knew it was you that would have to pay the price, not me.
I assume you are pretty bitter having to sit around all day watching TV, and you are pretty lonely. I bet you can’t hear anything, or do anything for yourself. I probably shouldn’t have done all these things to you. But actually, you know what? Those things are starting to sounds pretty awesome. You get to sit around on a couch all day? And you can’t hear other people talking? And you can’t go to work? And people have to do things for you, because you can’t do them yourself? So all those destructive things I’ve been doing have lead you to this? I think you should be thanking ME!
And I know you would if you were ever thankful for anything, but I know you are just a cranky, bitter OLD man. Now I can’t wait to get older. Tell me more about your oldness someday old man. I really envy you.
Signed,
Middle Bitter Aged Ben
ARRRRRRGGGGHHHHH
Bitterly Old, but not old enough Ben