From: Bitter Ben(firstname.lastname@example.org)
Bitter Entertainment Network(BEN) Staff,
As you know I hate meetings with the burning hatred of a thousand hot lava showers, and you hate them like the burn of the Insanity workout, so I’m going to give you information in this email that would have taken 2 hours to do in a meeting. As you know, or don’t know (Carl, I’m talking to you. Pay attention, you meathead!) the 600th post is coming up and I need some ideas. The last 550 have been pretty weak and people are starting to notice. This is starting to reflect badly on me, and you know I need things to reflect bitterly on me. So, here’s the deal. Since you idiots can’t come up with post ideas, I’m holding open post auditions. Get them to me soon, because I need a post idea by Thursday.
Your Bitter Boss Ben
Open Post Auditions
Auditioner 1 : Hi. I’m Reverse Psychology Bitterness…And can I just say…love your blog. In fact, I think you should take it global. It is phenomenal. In fact, it is so great, you probably don’t want me to be the 600th post. I’m pretty terrible.
BB: Hey, dude, come on. You aren’t so bad. I mean, look how much you really like my blog and …Wait a minute…
RPB: I know, I know, you should totally be mad at me for trying to trick you..
BB: I’m not mad. Come on, how could I be mad at you? At least you admitted…Dang it! Again! Get out of my sight!
RPB: I know, I totally don’t blame you for wanting to get rid of me.
To my post casting director: Put this guy back in the drafts…the old forgotten drafts from 2012. Now get me some better post ideas or I will filet you! Bitter Stare.
Auditioner 2: Hi, I’m Spoiler Warning Bitterness. Don’t you love how the Bruce Willis is dead from the very beginning in the Sixth Sense? And Darth Vader as a father? How can he be a father taking his kids out to play when he is breathing so heavy. Maybe instead of using the force he should use a respirator. And the Lego Movie don’t you love how the whole thing is….
BB: Um, you are ruining everything. And you know the best part of the Lego movie? When I finally got that stupid song out of my head. Last week..
SWB: And HYDRA and S.H.I.E.L.D are—
BB: Get this girl out of here! Put her in Junk Mail! You better bring me something good CS, or you are going to be get sliced more than sliced bread.
Casting Director: My apologies your Bitterness, (rolls his eyes)..here’s the next post auditioner.
Auditioner #3: Hey, I am Bitter Gestures and have I got some gestures for you….
BB: Don’t even think about it…On the other hand, I have some Gestures for you. My fist, swinging wildly at your face, my index finger doing the throat slashing move, my closed fist with a thumb faced outward gesturing what the direction in which you should head if you know what is good for you.
BG: Wait I have some more for you before I leave…
BB: Use the *&@! keys on that post now! You over there. How do you feel about being my new Post Casting Director? No? Fine. I don’t need one. Who’s next!
Auditioner #4: BITTER BATTLECRIES HERE! GET TO THE BOAT! FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS! MAKE THE MOST OF EVERYDAY! WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS, MAKE LEMONADE! LIVE LOUD! JUST DO IT! NEVER GIVE UP, NEVER SURRENDER!
BB: OKAY DUDE! Your cliches are hurting my ears almost as much as your loud, obnoxious voice. How about you step a little to the left…Little more… Back a little. There. Now, one last Battlecry for me. Ready for it? Repeat after me. I’M FALLING DOWN A BOTTOMLESS PIT OF RUN ON SENTENCES! I WILL NEVER LAND EVER! I WILL HAVE TO LOOK AT BAD SENTENCE STRUCTURE AND MISSPLELLINGS FOREVER!
BBATTLE: OKAY! GREAT! SO I’M STILL AUDITIONING! YES! I FEEL LIKE YOU REALLY GET ME! OKAY, “I’M FALLING DOWN..
BB: Oh wait, not quite yet. Someone bring me my remote. (Waits impatiently.) Oh for goodness sakes, it’s right there! You have no idea how bitter you are making me right now! I just had to reach an uncomfortable amount of inches to reach my remote! (I hit the switch to the bottomless pit.) Okay, now go!
BBATTLE: I’M FALLING DOWN INTO THE BOTTOMLESS PIIIIITTT!!!!!!
BB: Correction. You are falling into the Bottomless PIIIITTT. Four I’s not 5. Well, he wasn’t getting it anyways. Put him NEXT!
Auditioner #5: A woman carrying a purse with the strap on her right arm, hanging to the left, another purse on the left hanging to the right, a backpack on her back, a rolling suitcase with a handle in one, a baby seat and another huge suitcase with no handle. Hi, My name is…
BB: And what pray tell kind of post are you? Let me guess. You’re going on vacation for a couple of days. Oooh Burn!
AD#5: Actually, I’m Bitter Baggage. I carry way too much burden and that makes me…
BB: Lady, we all carry a little burden. Did you see how I just had to reach for the remote? Do you have any idea how much strain that can put on a guys arm?
BIBA: So sorry sir, it’s just I have three jobs, and my mother is in the hospital, and my roof caved in and my car has no engine-
BB: I’m sorry, did you just say blah, blah, blah? My stomach and I were having a much more interesting conversation about how my pizza hasn’t arrived. It hasn’t had something to eat since you started talking, so you’ll forgive me for not caring what you just said. Please though, continue your boring story.
BIBA: I don’t ask much sir, just a few bitter words mentioned in your next post, or even just a like on my comment would mean the world to me.
BB: Are you still here? I couldn’t hear you over my parenthetical asides. I’ll get you a car trunk that you can ride in the back of with all the other sob stories. ANYONE ELSE? This is getting ridiculous! Alright, cancel the 600th post. No one can seem to get me interested in a post that is anywhere worthwhile….
Bitter Mom: Um, excuse me son. What is all the racket here in your Blog room?
BB: Nothing mom. Just doing my blogwork.
BM: Well you need to keep it down. And you better get washed up for dinner. We’re having Brownies and Cake!
BB: No mom, I don’t want anything sweet! You know how I like everything bitter!
BM: Sorry son, you haven’t done your 600th blog post yet, so until you get that done, you’re not getting anything bitter for dinner.
BB: Please, not even anything for desert?
BM: Get your post done, or no desert.
BB: Fine. But I’m not choosing any of these posts ideas. They’re all make me so bitter…Dang it.. that stupid Spoiler Warning girl was right!
Bitter Auditions Ben