My Bitter Travels

Most of you could get a pretty good read of who I am as a person by reading what I put out on this blog (I.E. a penchant for laying on the couch and eating pizza), and judge me as lazy and you would be right.  However, if you said something like,”That guy probably never leaves his house,”for once, you would be wrong.  Not that I have wanderlust or anything, because traveling just happens to me.  I go places all the time, and while I never get jetlag, my travels do leave me exhausted.  Come with me on my journeys of the many cities, towns, villages, townships, villas, and municipalities, hamlets, burghs, boroughs, settlements, and metropolises(metropolisi?.)

 

The first stop on our un-epic journey is Fantasyland(and I’m not talking Disneyland). This is a place where I am an incredible inventor of thousands of things that would make my life and your life way more bitter. I dream of a Fantasyland where ideas are made into inventions, or products or places whenever I think of them.  They don’t take hard work, or ingenuity or anything other than a problem, and my fantastically bitter idea to fix it.

Where I go to be alone.

Where I go to be alone.

Isolation island – Speaking of fantasy lands, I like to go visit Isolation Island a lot.  It’s a world of wonder where I get to be all alone for a while.  The best part about it is that I visit there at some of the most inopportune times.  While at a party, during work, driving home, on a crowded city, etc.  All decisions made are mine and they are final.  I get to make a mess there, and I don’t have to clean it up.  The weather is perfectly terrible there and I don’t even need a passport to get there.  They do a lot of paragliding and gravity is way lighter so I can jump higher to get those coconuts.

Writer Land – There is a Writer Land in Fantasy Land and Isolation Island, but my trips there vary.  Sometimes ideas are stopped up by Writer’s Block Dam, but every once in a while, Writer’s Block Dam bursts and ideas flow out like a volcano exploding, destroying everything else in it’s path.  When the happens, I try to stay in Writer Land as long as possible, but usually Reality and Forgetfulness and Time patch up Writer’s Block Dam pretty fast, so trips here are pretty infrequent.

In writer land you can even write in the sky.

In writer land, you can even write in the sky.

Denial City – This is the first stage of grieving and where I like to spend the most time of the grieving process.  Moving on isn’t what I do.  If it comes down to sitting on the couch and eating pizza and my feelings and being in Denial City or moving off the couch and moving on to another stage, I’ll always choose Denial City.  So much better to pretend things are fine than face reality and know that they aren’t fine.  Denial City also is great for pretending you forgot to pick up your plate or your clothes off the floor.  “I didn’t do it” is Denial City’s motto.

Space out Galaxy –  I go to this place when I don’t sleep a lot.  I always visit randomly.  When I’m in the middle of a large spreadsheet, or being lectured by someone or a in a boring meeting, or when boring people talk to me, I all of a sudden appear here.  Visits can happen anywhere from a few seconds to a few minutes and everytime I visit there something more crazy, more fantastical and more random happens.  It’s so unpredictable that you want to stay, but the trip back ALWAYS sucks.  Worse than losing your luggage.  Your lecturer finally notices and yells at you to snap out of it, or your spreadsheet all of a sudden re-appears, or your meeting all of a sudden gets heated.  Great place to visit, but always some pretty bad jet lag on the return trip.

Huh, what did you say? I'm in Space out Galaxy right now.

Huh, what did you say? I’m in Space out Galaxy right now.

Bitter Valley – Not really a place I visit, because it is home.  But it is becoming a more popular place to visit, ever since I started blogging about it, and told people it was acceptable to be here more. Now it seems like it is becoming more a of touristy valley to visit.  While you are here, don’t forget to visit the Complaining Museum, and the Bitter Revenge Cafe, which always serves dishes cold.  Most people return back to Happy Valley eventually, but more and more people are staying here.  There goes the neighborhood.

Reality Metropolis –  This place is the worst, because even though I like to work from Bitter Valley, eventually I have to commute there at least once a week.  The traffic there is terrible, stacks and stacks of work is always there to greet you, and Boredomburgh is one of the worst neighborhoods to drive through.   The only places to visit there are Spreadsheet Stadium, Staples, and Bland Food Restaurant.  Whatever you do, avoid this place whenever possible.

Well, I’m really exhausted from all my travels, and  I have to go to Reality Metropolis soon.  And I assume you have to go there as soon as you finish reading this post, but stay a little longer.  Read some other posts that will delay your trip juust a little longer.

What cities, towns, burghs or lands do you like to visit when you don’t have to go to Reality Metropolis?

ARRRGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Verocity Ben

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16 thoughts on “My Bitter Travels

  1. I’m so glad I found your blog based on a recommendation. Or, rather, I’m bitter about how much time of my life you’re going to suck away while I read through your hilarious posts. Damn you. And thank you.

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  2. Whenever I go to space out galaxy I actually tell everyone I’m in writer land. That way, when they see me looking blankly into space I tell them that I am an artiste (always with the ‘e’) trying to create, and then they usually leave me alone.

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  3. Space Out Galaxy would be even better if one could catch a quick nap in those few moments spent there. It would probably make up for the ensuing panic/turmoil/shouting matches that almost always greet you upon your return from taking a short little retreat from reality.

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  4. I spend more and more of my time traveling along Gullible No More Expressway. It only opened recently but now that I’ve found it, my life has gotten better. Although I do still find myself in Space out Galaxy every so often. Some things just happen.

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