Suncastic Bitter Giftures

The sun is 93 million miles away (at least according to the scientist Sun E. Day, who traveled from earth to the sun with a big tape measure.  Though he accidentally let go at 84 million, so he had to come back and get it again.  Then, he was only 1 million away and got a sunburned so he just called it an “approximate” 93 million miles.) and for being so far away, the sun can kind of be a jerk.  Even at my worst I can only bother someone from about two miles away.  The sun gets in people’s eyes, it burns them, it gives life to trees (who are jerks themselves.), it is way overbearing in the summer and way introverted in the winter.  Basically, the Sun makes people crazy and do crazy things.  Like start summer romances and drench themselves in sunscreen and wear goofy sunglasses.  Here are some other crazy things the sun makes people do.

The sun…

...makes chairs unbalanced and the tape appear out of nowhere.

…makes chairs unbalanced and  tape appear out of nowhere.

The sun…

...causes people to lose their mind...and their gems.

…causes people to lose their mind…and their gems.

The sun…

 

...makes people lose their balance and their dignity.

…makes people lose their balance and their dignity.

The sun…

...makes people walk backward and awkwardly all of a sudden.

…makes people walk backward and awkwardly all of a sudden.

The sun…

 

...appears and doesn't melt the snow, but can cause a ski to crack a window.

…appears and doesn’t melt the snow, but can somehow cause a ski to crack a window.

The sun…

...can make you stand and dance without noticing that everyone else isn't standing and dancing.

…can make you stand and dance without noticing that everyone else isn’t standing and dancing.

The sun…

...can get you stuck in sticky situations and doors.

...can get you stuck in sticky situations and doors.

The sun…

...causes earthquakes, thunderstorms and blow up bed trampolines.

…causes earthquakes, thunderstorms and blow up bed trampolines.

The sun…

...can make you do stupid things, like exercise.

…can make you do stupid things, like exercise.

The sun…

...can get your fired.

…can get your fired.

The sun…

...can cut really deep.

…can cut really deep.

The sun…

...can make you a big fan.

…can make you a big fan.

If it wasn’t for the sun, I wouldn’t have to work.  Cause like what? I’m supposed to work in the night? That’s just not natural for anyone but vampires or cops, or people that work the graveyard shift, like ghouls and zombies.  It’s probably better that we just operate by the moon and just stay indoors watching TV.

ARRRRRGGGGHHHH

Bitter Suncastic Ben

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31 thoughts on “Suncastic Bitter Giftures

  1. Omg these gifs have me cracking up, especially the blow up mattress one where the boy flies into the light. My sister asked me what was so funny and I was laughing too hard to even talk. I just frantically waved my hands and pointed to my phone.

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  2. (Speaking for the sun): Dude, I am so sick of getting blamed for things that had nothing to do with me. It’s not my fault that I’m super hot, okay? I was born that way. I would totally back off and give you some more space, but that will just cause more issues. Remember that 2.6 million year blip when I was all depressed and went into hiding? You know, the ice, the snow, the saber-toothed tigers? Yeah, people complained about that, too. I can’t win.

    So no, Ben, I won’t go away. But just for you, I’ll hide behind some clouds for a — hey wait. You live in Seattle! Geez, what do you have to complain about? You don’t even KNOW me! I hardly ever visit Seattle. Now you’re just jumping on the bandwagon. 😛

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  3. I had no idea the sun was responsible for all the silly things I do. But at least I now have a rational explanation for my backing into the garage with the hatch up, and taking out the garage door. I was so sure my insurance rate was going to spike. Well, that will all be in the past now. Thanks Ben! :@)

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  4. I always try to measure the distance between you and how far you will let yourself come to other people but you’re always batting me away. Not really sure how you came up with the whole 2 mile thing.

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