Hey you, bitter kids in the back seats! Sit down and shut it! I’m Bitter Ben and I am your struggle bus driver for the day. I know that we’ve been driving around lost for hours now, but don’t worry, that has been on purpose. I have no intention of getting you anywhere you want to go or getting you somewhere on time. I also realize that the air conditioning doesn’t work back there, and it is 100 F outside. Don’t worry though, the air conditioning works fine up here where I am. If you do want to worry about me though, you can see that there is spot on the windshield that I just can’t seem to get off. If that doesn’t get removed, I could “get distracted” and drive us off a cliff. So what do you think A-Rod, can you hop out there and get it squeegied for me?
By the way, A-Rod, or should I call you A-Roid, I know that it must be a struggle for you to be our high school baseball team’s star and having to get paid $252 million guaranteed over 10 years. It was a good move for our school to pay you for that long, since clearly it would only take you 6 years to graduate before you retired at the age of 26 and we could pay you for 4 years after that. For some reason you wanted to break the school record and you thought you needed a little help with that. I don’t know if you know this about steriods, but it isn’t for concentrating or multitasking to get your school work done. It also isn’t an energy drink. It’s for shrinking things, like your career and reputation. The only thing it will help you lift is a microphone to explain to Congress how all those text messages to that guy saying, “Hey Dude, I need some steroids,” was really just code for “I need some Gatorade.”
Oh, and poor little Jenny Aniston. It seems like you are alway sitting solo in your seat. I thought you and Brad were doing so well together until he did the school play with that weird goth girl Angie. I heard she had some blood vial necklace with that Old Guy Billy’s blood in it. Well that was just weird. I heard them talking about adopting all kinds of babies when they got married someday. Yeah, that will happen. A goth like her and a pretty boy like him ever wanting babies? Don’t worry Jenny, I’m sure if you keep flipping your hair and showing up at school play premiere red carpets, looking all lonely and sad, someone will find you mildly attractive enough and mediocrely talented enough to date someday.
Justin, you in the middle there. Mr. School Choir third chair with soprano voice. You know, I would be embarrased if I had that really high voice like you too. I’m sorry that your mom doesn’t seem to be able to afford buying you a shirt, so luckily it is 98 degrees out(they are better singers too). Perhaps I could drive by Goodwill and we could find something that fits. And quit thinking that jocks are going to carry you on their backs on our field trip to the Great Wall of China. And no, Anne Frank would not want to be in your “fan club”. She doesn’t even have a Twitter account. The only people that like your singing is your little sister and her friends. And that is only because they think you sounded like the girls from Frozen.
And Miley, little Miley. I know you have struggles with your keeping your tongue in your mouth where it goes, but if you keep sticking it out like that, it is going to get stuck to the wrecking ball that the construction crew keeps trying to keep you away from. And again, I know it is hot outside, but if the Goodwill isn’t open maybe we could see if the Kardashian girls have any clothes to donate to you and Justin.
Speaking of the Kardashian girls, you guys need to stop bothering the AV club. They are busy doing the school announcements and going to class. They don’t have the time or the resources to be following you everywhere. They have class and school classes too. Since you think someone needs to be following you around the school all the time with a camera, it will be the punishment for them. They will be issued an old Iphone that doesn’t work and will be forced to follow you around and listen to your nasally voiced conversations that are about even less nothing than Sienfeld. Also you guys need to keep out of the Glee prop room. They need those for the regional finals in New York.
Okay the struggle bus has pulled into the school parking lot and you are all sentenced to 8 hours of hard time in school, where you will not be able to use your cell phone for texting or selfies. You can only use them to make your one phone call to your probation officers, uh I mean your parents.
Bitter Bus Driver Ben