The Struggle Bus

/ bensbitterblog
Ready for a bitter ride, Strugglers?

Ready for a bitter ride, Strugglers?

Hey you, bitter kids in the back seats! Sit down and shut it! I’m Bitter Ben and I am your struggle bus driver for the day.  I know that we’ve been driving around lost for hours now, but don’t worry, that has been on purpose.  I have no intention of getting you anywhere you want to go or getting you somewhere on time.  I also realize that the air conditioning doesn’t work back there, and it is 100 F outside.  Don’t worry though, the air conditioning works fine up here where I am.  If you do want to worry about me though, you can see that there is spot on the windshield that I just can’t seem to get off.  If that doesn’t get removed, I could “get distracted” and drive us off a cliff.  So what do you think A-Rod, can you hop out there and get it squeegied for me?

Who know's A-Roid? If you get sloppy enough at hiding your steriod use, someday you may get your own Cheaties box!

Who know’s A-Roid? If you get sloppy enough at hiding your steriod use, someday you may get your own Cheaties box!

By the way, A-Rod, or should I call you A-Roid, I know that it must be a struggle for you to be our high school baseball team’s star and having to get paid $252 million guaranteed over 10 years.  It was a good move for our school to pay you for that long, since clearly it would only take you 6 years to graduate before you retired at the age of 26 and we could pay you for 4 years after that.  For some reason you wanted to break the school record and you thought you needed a little help with that.  I don’t know if you know this about steriods, but it isn’t for concentrating or multitasking to get your school work done.  It also isn’t an energy drink.  It’s for shrinking things, like your career and reputation.   The only thing it will help you lift is a microphone to explain to Congress how all those text messages to that guy saying, “Hey Dude, I need some steroids,” was really just code for “I need some Gatorade.”

The velociraptor was so good in this movie. He acted like he actually liked her.

The velociraptor was so good in this movie. He acted like he actually liked her.

Oh, and poor little Jenny Aniston.  It seems like you are alway sitting solo in your seat.  I thought you and Brad were doing so well together until he did the school play with that weird goth girl Angie.  I heard she had some blood vial necklace with that Old Guy Billy’s blood in it.  Well that was just weird.  I heard them talking about adopting all kinds of babies when they got married someday.  Yeah, that will happen.  A goth like her and a pretty boy like him ever wanting babies?  Don’t worry Jenny, I’m sure if you keep flipping your hair and showing up at school play premiere red carpets, looking all lonely and sad, someone will find you mildly attractive enough and mediocrely talented enough to date someday.

He needs his naptime.

He needs his naptime.

Justin, you in the middle there.  Mr. School Choir third chair with soprano voice.  You know, I would be embarrased if I had that really high voice like you too.  I’m sorry that your mom doesn’t seem to be able to afford buying you a shirt, so luckily it is 98 degrees out(they are better singers too).  Perhaps I could drive by Goodwill and we could find something that fits.  And quit thinking that jocks are going to carry you on their backs on our field trip to the Great Wall of China.  And no, Anne Frank would not want to be in your “fan club”.  She doesn’t even have a Twitter account.  The only people that like your singing is your little sister and her friends.  And that is only because they think you sounded like the girls from Frozen.

 

Grumpy cat will take care of your every need.

Grumpy cat will help.

 

And Miley, little Miley.  I know you have struggles with your keeping your tongue in your mouth where it goes, but if you keep sticking it out like that, it is going to get stuck to the wrecking ball that the construction crew keeps trying to keep you away from.  And again, I know it is hot outside, but if the Goodwill isn’t open maybe we could see if the Kardashian girls have any clothes to donate to you and Justin.

AV club, your detention is to follow her around.

AV club, your detention is to follow her around.

Speaking of the Kardashian girls, you guys need to stop bothering the AV club.  They are busy doing the school announcements and going to class.  They don’t have the time or the resources to be following you everywhere.  They have class and school classes too.  Since you think someone needs to be following you around the school all the time with a camera, it will be the punishment for them.  They will be issued an old Iphone that doesn’t work and will be forced to follow you around and listen to your nasally voiced conversations that are about even less nothing than Sienfeld.  Also you guys need to keep out of the Glee prop room.  They need those for the regional finals in New York.

Okay the struggle bus has pulled into the school parking lot and you are all sentenced to 8 hours of hard time in school, where you will not be able to use your cell phone for texting or selfies.  You can only use them to make your one phone call to your probation officers, uh I mean your parents.

Arrrrggghhhh

Bitter Bus Driver Ben

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87 thoughts on “The Struggle Bus”

  5. What is it with Miley Cyrus and that tongue of hers? The only thing I can think when I see pictures of her, is that she might be slightly dehydrated and needs to drink more water. The rest of the people are so useless. This is why I have stopped reading the “news”. Tired of seeing these people in the “news”. Great post!!!

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  6. Pingback: In case you missed it…because you were busy failing at playing in traffic | Ben's Bitter Blog

  7. You are just jealous because they have no discernible skills whatsoever and make more money than a third-world country would need in a year. We have slightly discernible skills and are stuck in the -30 degree weather.

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  8. Pingback: Roundup of Stars! | BLEEDING my EMOTIONS

  10. A little jealous you know 79 bloggers. I know about 15.

    I wish the thing with Jennifer Aniston was real. I’ve wanted to introduce her to carnivore since the Friends era.

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  13. Hey, hey, hey! You shut your bitter mouth about Jennifer Aniston! She is a goddess among women! How dare you speak ill of her! As for the rest of them, yeah. Go ahead and set the bus on fire.

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  17. Sadly, I saw the pic of Aniston in bed with the dinosaur and thought she’d just become a big fan of dino-erotica. Yeah…it’s a thing. Not MY thing, but I’ve seen reviews and laughed my butt off.

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  26. I think there is some chemistry there betwixt the sickle-clawed Carnivore and America’s sweetheart. Maybe he would use his claw to scrape that white yeasty mess off Miley’s tongue, which clearly hasn’t been brushed since she was on Hannah Montana.

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