The Epic Horribleness of Bitterflies

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Look at this butterfly sticking to this poor girl’s face.

So you are out in the middle of a large meadow, the grass blowing gently in the breeze, your plaid blanket covered with paper plates full of delicious cheeses and crackers, and you’re sipping on some ice cold lemonade.  It’s a just right 70 degrees and the laughter of your company is a little loud and obnoxious, but allowable.  You get just the right amount of food in your belly and you lay down to rest your eyes, while laying on your back to enjoy the warm air, and the cool breeze.

Staring.

Look at those creepy eyes. Staring at you…

When you open you eyes, you look up and there it is.  A gentle, majestic monarch flying through the air?  A floating color speckled art canvas? Or a miniature monster aircraft with sociopathic tendencies. Butterflies are horrible, terrible creatures. Let me just tell you why.

Now wonder they like to eat so much.

Now wonder they like to eat so much.

First of all, you know where they come from right? They start out as a creepy crawly caterpillar.  According to science and Google they are unemployed.  Actually, they do have a job.  To eat.  Which sounds like a dream job to me, until you see what they eat. Leaves and plants.  In fact, they are so picky, they only eat the same kind their whole life. When your sole job in your career is to eat and all you eat is leaves, you are a weirdo.  No pizza, ice cream, donuts, ever burgers or hot dogs? You, baby butterfly are gross.

How about butterflies names? Have you ever seen a butterfly even use butter in a meal? Spread it on its toast, use it in cookies? What is he a gluten free, vegetarian, vegan? And what part of butterflies are fly? They don’t wear fresh threads or know how to dance cool.

Terrifying kids since their birth.

Terrifying kids since their birth.

Speaking of their dance moves, have you seen these things luna(tics) fly? I understand they were just idiot caterpillars like a few days ago, and the day before they were silk hibernating, but these guys look like a 5 year old driving a truck for the first time.  Don’t tell me you aren’t terrified when one is headed toward you in a random flight pattern.  Probably as terrified as you would be if a 5 year old was coming toward you with his 16 wheeler.

How do butterflies get there? In your stomach? And why do they appear when you are at your absolute worst? Before a speech that is going to ruin your career, before you are about to get rejected by a girl?

They are used a symbol.  In commercials.  Like this one for Lunesta.  A prescription drug that helps you sleep.  A luminescent butterfly that floats in while you are sleeping and lands on your back, then attaches itself to you.  And somehow, you are supposed to not be terrified and be able to sleep? Or this one that is drinking and flying.  Clearly they can’t be responsible, and why they can never fly straight.

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Mohamed Ali once said to, “Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.”  Quite honestly, I would rather be stung by a bee, than be anywhere near freaky butterflies.

ARRRRRGGGGHHHH

Bitter Bitterflies Ben

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40 thoughts on “The Epic Horribleness of Bitterflies

  1. Ha-ha!!! This is hilarious. They do have random ways of flying. I don’t have problems with butterflies, but hummingbirds like to buzz around my head, humming their little Jetson car sound. They scare me with their pokey beaks and their high metabolism.
    PS. Discovered your blog from Suzie’s Blog Party – So glad I did.

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  2. Haha! I went to a butterfly house with Tje Bloke a few months ago and they followed him around – he must have smelled like fruit or something! I like them, but they’re a pain to take photographs of! Perhaps you have a special type that have some sort of secret society thing going on to torture you!

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  3. My parents made me go into a butterfly house when we were on vacation once and one tried to land on my face. I screamed and I smacked it across the room out of terror. My parents got embarrassed and the people running the butterfly house were not pleased that I had harmed one of the winged demons, so we had to leave after 1o minutes of arriving.

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    • That sounds about right. I think a lot of people just think they are so beautiful and romantic and a representative of free, but in actuality they are kind of creepy. It always seems like around me they are wanting to attach themselves to me and that just isn’t cool with me.

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  4. I have a friend who is terrified of butterflies. I would show her this post, but she would freak out. She can’t even see images of butterflies without having a reaction. She has butterfly PTSD, it’s bizarre.

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    • Glad to see I’m not the only one that’s terrified of those things. The random flying pattern along with the inability to realize that they are landing on your face without permission freaks me out.

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  5. I bet the weird glow-in-the-dark butterfly is what causes the aggressive behavior, thoughts of suicide and crazy tongue swelling side effects of the Lunesta. If they’d just get rid of all you’d have would be a great nights sleep.
    Are you bitter about Tinkerbell too?

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