So you are out in the middle of a large meadow, the grass blowing gently in the breeze, your plaid blanket covered with paper plates full of delicious cheeses and crackers, and you’re sipping on some ice cold lemonade. It’s a just right 70 degrees and the laughter of your company is a little loud and obnoxious, but allowable. You get just the right amount of food in your belly and you lay down to rest your eyes, while laying on your back to enjoy the warm air, and the cool breeze.
When you open you eyes, you look up and there it is. A gentle, majestic monarch flying through the air? A floating color speckled art canvas? Or a miniature monster aircraft with sociopathic tendencies. Butterflies are horrible, terrible creatures. Let me just tell you why.
First of all, you know where they come from right? They start out as a creepy crawly caterpillar. According to science and Google they are unemployed. Actually, they do have a job. To eat. Which sounds like a dream job to me, until you see what they eat. Leaves and plants. In fact, they are so picky, they only eat the same kind their whole life. When your sole job in your career is to eat and all you eat is leaves, you are a weirdo. No pizza, ice cream, donuts, ever burgers or hot dogs? You, baby butterfly are gross.
How about butterflies names? Have you ever seen a butterfly even use butter in a meal? Spread it on its toast, use it in cookies? What is he a gluten free, vegetarian, vegan? And what part of butterflies are fly? They don’t wear fresh threads or know how to dance cool.
Speaking of their dance moves, have you seen these things luna(tics) fly? I understand they were just idiot caterpillars like a few days ago, and the day before they were silk hibernating, but these guys look like a 5 year old driving a truck for the first time. Don’t tell me you aren’t terrified when one is headed toward you in a random flight pattern. Probably as terrified as you would be if a 5 year old was coming toward you with his 16 wheeler.
How do butterflies get there? In your stomach? And why do they appear when you are at your absolute worst? Before a speech that is going to ruin your career, before you are about to get rejected by a girl?
They are used a symbol. In commercials. Like this one for Lunesta. A prescription drug that helps you sleep. A luminescent butterfly that floats in while you are sleeping and lands on your back, then attaches itself to you. And somehow, you are supposed to not be terrified and be able to sleep? Or this one that is drinking and flying. Clearly they can’t be responsible, and why they can never fly straight.
Mohamed Ali once said to, “Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.” Quite honestly, I would rather be stung by a bee, than be anywhere near freaky butterflies.
Bitter Bitterflies Ben