The Bitter Battlefield of Fake Wars


Nothing is more serious than the war we are going to talk about for the next three episodes.

Nothing is more serious than the war we are going to talk about for the next three episodes.

I’m pretty conservative when it comes to proclaiming something to be the “BEST EVER” or “WORST EVER!” because I’m not a child of the internet, where message boards, comments or blogs are full of that crap.  Trust me, I have some pretty dark bitter days at work, at restaurants or at grocery stores, but in my mind only one day can be considered “Worst Day Ever” or “Best Day Ever”. If you ever come to me with proclamations like, “Oh my gosh, this was the worst day ever!” and you don’t come with a harrowing tale of losing a family member, breaking up with a long time love, or getting hosed on a $.99 cent coupon at the grocery store, I’m gonna get bitter in a hurry.   I actually know a few people that spew superlatives like this when they stub their toes in a woodchipper, and complain that they can’t make it into work the next day. The next thing you know their dog will catch a bit of the flu and they will have to stay home to make sure the television is on the right channel.  The worst offenders of all are the greatest actors of our generation, the reality stars. I’m not gonna say they are fed their lines, but they are.  My favorite line of all time that will pop on every reality show ever is, “This was the hardest thing I have ever done.”

Maybe on Survivor, or Naked and Afraid, where they can’t eat food unless they stab it, or drink water unless they boil it, but really Debt Princess?  You had to go without a shopping spree for two days?  Sniffle me a lake.  But at the end of the day the worst shows are the so called “War” shows.  You know, the shows that are so epic that they can’t possibly be explained any other way than to compare it to the worst kind of tragedy in this world, where people kill other people for reasons they may or may not understand?  The following three shows are worst of the “War” shows.

We're going to use the garden gnome to start a war?  Oh, now I get why they are calling it a Shipping War.

We’re going to use the garden gnome to start a war? Oh, now I get why they are calling it  Shipping Wars.

Shipping Wars.  This is a reality show where independent and expert truck drivers are tasked to drive things that traditional movers won’t touch.  Stuff like tanks, 35 foot yachts and day old bread.  When I saw the title of the show I figured they would be delivering wars overseas to other countries or at least some funky missile silos or uzi’s that weighed a ton.  Apparently when they called it a war, it was because sometimes there are skirmishes and fights between some of the competing auctioners.  Oh I get it now.  So hurling insults and saying not so nice things about other drivers because they got tiny dents or scratches on the materials they were shipping is why it is called a war.  Remind me next time I say something mean to someone at work to bring my flak jacket.

Everybody down, they've got a gu--oh, get down they've got some money!

Everybody get down, they’ve got a gu–oh, get down they’ve got some money!


Storage Wars – A reality show where five or six teams of people that own really high end thrift stores that miraculously always end up at the same storage locker auctions and crazy bid wars ensue!  Teams are given five minutes to look at a locker before they decide to spend their hard earned A&E monopoly money, uh I mean their business profits that they make at their stores, on lockers. There is bitter, bad blood between many of them, because sometimes they bid each other up! Other times they say not really not nice things about each others businesses.  Sometimes they do annoying things in the “bidding war”, like pulling out their guns, I mean wallets and threatening that next time they will kill…their competitor’s really high bid with another killer bid.  Can you see how violent things get around here? No wonder they are called Storage Wars.  Many hours are spent on strategies and battle plans in order to obtain the treasure of really cheap crap from abandoned storage.  Who knows what you may find in one of those lockers?  An old World War 2 commerorative compass, a really strong BB gun from Col. Mustard’s private stash in the study, or someone’s old sweaty socks. Then the socks are brought to a Throwback Thursday dealer to assess the value of the mustard stain left on those week old socks.  No wonder they want to duke it out glove-to-the-face duel style in a stale aired Storage facility in West Covina.  The chance of some week old socks holds an irresistible lure.

Just one of the deadly cold-hearted assassins of the cupcake wars.

Just one of the deadly cold-hearted assassins of the cupcake wars.

I saved the bitterest and most deadly war for last: The Cupcake Wars.  There is no more deadly and lemon filled fighting than this war.  Elite Cupcake Soldiers are road tripped in from all over the United States to some extreme unknown location close to the battlefield where their cupcakes will be displayed.  Sometimes the battle will be at the Oscars, a scary place where overly made up people gather to celebrate each how great they are.  The Cupcakiteers are tasked to create the most delicious grenades, uh cupcakes, and small spy microphones, cream filling and destroy the other contestants in a mano y mano drag down knock down fight of the ages.  Nothing will stand in the way of these cupcontestants and the sprinkling of blood–non-pariels all over their opponents to win the war of the Cupcake.  Actually, it is just a few contest where cupcake makers make cupcakes and compete for $50,000 and the chance to feed the faces of some promotional event.  Talk about a war! Talk about “The hardest thing I’ve ever done in my entire life!” How did they make it through this war without PTSD!

The judges doing some last minute tasting.

The judges doing some last minute tasting.

As for me, I’m going to go protest this war by eating all the cupcakes.


Bitter Warmonger Ben







58 thoughts on “The Bitter Battlefield of Fake Wars

  1. Have you ever considered that maybe the gnome is the Travelocity gnome that Expedia stole from them via illegal shipping, which launched them into a full on hotel packaging war? So many Hawaiian vacationers could be affected and yet you don’t seem to care. The ignorance!


    • While there was a whole big hotel packaging war, the Gnome slipped out and became a free agent. He started booking gigs on the Amazing Race and Gnomeo and Juliet (probably not his best decision). Now he is the product placement Gnome.


  2. Pingback: Bitter Blood | Asia Frenzie

  3. Maybe we could find a way to force-feed these shows to al-Queda or the Taliban. They’d surrender before they crowned the cupcake queen (or whatever she’s called). Or is that against the Geneva Conventions?


  4. Pingback: In case you missed it..because you were Tire-d | Ben's Bitter Blog

  5. You see how nice it is for those of us who don’t own televisions? We don’t even know such shows exist. All we do is hear about a Breaking Bad or Mad Men (or Game of Thrones–I admit it) and sit down and binge-watch it via the web. Less brain-sucking that way. Thank you, God.

    But then there are these blogs we read compulsively…dunno about THESE…. : )


    • Man would that be hard to live without a television. What else would I do? Go outside, read a book, troll websites, speak to other humans? Learn things? So what you are asking me to stare at the walls and watch paint dry instead?


  6. On the other hand, wouldn’t it be pretty great if the worst day ever really did amount to, one guy made a cupcake that turned out poorly, and someone else had a boring experience with a storage locker? Think of the world that’d be.


  7. Words cannot express how much I absolutely freaking LOVED this post. I might go so far as to say that it’s my favorite of yours.
    Also . . . that’s a REALLY BIG gnome. O.o


    • Yes, that Gnome is a little out of control. I guess someone has a garden that is a little too big. Perhaps a Kardashian?

      Oh and thanks…seems like those who are in the military (your hubby) should get a little more respect for fighting in real wars, and TV people should downgrade the fights a little.


  8. I agree. When did something as benign as baking cupcakes get a mach make-over? I think tv execs completely lack imagination so if it workd for one show… next up “Amish wars” – oh wait – don’t they already have that one?


  9. I feel your pain. And I know you have a lot of readers. So don’t be bitter about this—but delete that extra rough draft stuff at the bottom of the post. And then delete this comment ! Bittersweetly yours, your fellow blog combatant, motherjam


  10. David Alan Coe did indeed perform the ‘perfect country western song’ (written by Steve Goodman and John Prine)

    At the risk of exuding too much by way of hyperbole, I am gonna go out on a limb here and proclaim this the “Perfect Post” today, as it painfully, and graphically paints just exactly what is wrong with America. Let us hope we will grow out of this (I’m not holding my breath however).

    Brilliant Work My Friend!


  11. These should all be changed to Skirmishes. Half the time when we watch “Naked and Afraid,” I think, “Oh, he’s going to die tonight. Adults don’t get 104 temperature and not die.” And then by golly, he pulls through! What kind of crap is that? That’s not good TV. But after 4 days w/out food, I bet they’d give their left ear for a cupcake or a storage locker full of peanuts.


  12. Wait, The Cupcake Wars? Is that a real thing? I’ve actually never heard of that one.

    Also, after seeing the poster for Storage Wars, I think I went to college for all the wrong reasons.


  13. We need a new show called The Comment Wars. I follow mostly Christian blogs and once in awhile I get caught in the crossfire of warring factions 🙂

    You’re the Master of Irony. . . .one of the deadly cold-hearted assassins of the Cupcake Wars.


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