Bitter Bullied Ben

What you thought you looked like.

What you thought you looked like.

Admit it. When you were bullied as a kid, you saw Karate Kid and immediately asked your mom if you could sign up for karate.  She said no, but you were determined to learn so you went upstairs, and put on a white lab coat, found your mom’s black neckerchief and tied it around you waist.  Then you proceeded to stub your toe on your bed frame that was sticking out, and proceeded to never try karate again.  Yeah, me neither.

 

When you stubbed your toe.

When you stubbed your toe.

Yeah, getting bullied as a kid sucked.  It was really hard being called, Athleticy guy, or Too Handsome guy, or talented Four Square guy.  Not sure how I made it through.  Luckily, I had the awkwardness, the tallness, the rail thinness, messy hairedness, and the zit covered messness. Then I grew up to become a teenager, grew about 1 more inch, developed even more zits, and became even more socially awkward.  But thankfully teenagers are the best, most well behaved, nicest people ever and never picked on me.  And thankfully it all came to an end after high school right? Wrong.

Observe bullies for grown ups:

Cars – Every week or two.  “Where do you think you’re going? Go get me some gas.”  Every three months.  “Go get me some oil.” Every 50,000 miles.  “Get me some new tires.”  Every day of winter.  “Scrape my windows.  Warm me up.”  Every day of summer.  “Cool me down. Turn on the air conditioning.” “Oh, did you forget your keys? Oops all my doors are locked.”  “Oh did you forget some food in here? Guess it’s getting spoiled.”

Commercials – “Call in the next 15 minutes, or you’ll miss out on this spectacular deal.”  “Hey, can you help me move?” “Shave off the beard, weirdo!” Planet Fitness, “Stop the gymtimidation.”

Grandmas – “Come here and give me a kiss.”  “Are you eating?” “How come you never come and visit?” “Why don’t you marry that nice girl?” “Hold your horses!” “Are you flossing?” “Come back soon!” “Come here, sugar.” “Let me pinch those cheeks!”

Parking Lots – “Twenty bucks if you want to park here.” “It was $5 dollars last week.” “There’s a sporting event now. Pay up, scrub! Oh and I’m not responsible if someone steals stuff or crashes your car.”

Winter – “You better stay inside or it’s gonna be really cold around here.”  “Oh you like these precious plants? Too bad. I’m killing those.” “You trying to drive to work? Whoaoaoa, don’t think so.”

Cheerleaders – “Be aggressive, be be aggressive! B-E-A-G-G-R-E-S-S-I-V-E!”  “You got spirit, yes we do.  We’ve got Spirit, how about YOU?” “Everybody stand up! Let me hear it!”

Bank Tellers/ATMS – “I’m going to need you to fill out this slip before you give me all your money.” “There’s an overdraft fee of $20.”  “Here’s a penny interest for giving me all your money.”

Telemarketers –  “I’m gonna tell you about the deal.”  “No thanks.” “If I were to tell you that you would save $5 dollars a year, by only spending $100,000 this year, would that change your mind?” “No.” “So what you are saying is yes?”

Clothing labels – “Wash in warm water!” “Hand dry!” “Machine Wash Cold!” “Do not bleach!” No Fabric Softener!” “Tumble Dry!” “Do not Iron Print!” “Hang to Dry!”

Bully.

Bully.

 

The Sun – “Don’t you dare look straight at me!” “Wow, you got a dark colored car? Well, I’m going to make you very uncomfortable in there.”  “Having a nice day at the beach? Did you forget your sunscreen? Burrrnnn!”

Alarm ClocksWAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP!

Work starts now.

Work starts now.

 

 

Still think bullies don’t exist? Tell me your biggest bullies everyday.

 

ARRRRGGGGHHHH

Bitter Bullied Ben

 

 

 

Advertisements

58 thoughts on “Bitter Bullied Ben

  1. my 3 jack russells bully me

    every morning, early, it’s . . .

    ‘woof, woof, woof, woof – we want to go to the park. Get out of that bed, NOW, you lazy bugger – or we’ll shit all over the carpet!’

    Like

  2. My two finch birds bully me. I mean, come on. Chirp-chirp here, chirp-chirp there….I can’t catch a break. I mean, I have to feed em, clean up their poop…..give them fresh bath water. Who do they think they are? Every morning….CHIRP, CHIIIIRRRRPPP! I’m like their slave. Beckoning to their every need. LOL. Just kidding. I love my birds and they are freakin’ spoiled! Sorry I haven’t been around. I don’t see your blogs show up on email alerts anymore. 😛

    Like

  3. My children constantly bully me into feeding them. Day in, day out. It’s relentless. The dog as well. And the husband. I am going to start an Anti Mother Bullying Campaign and make t-shirts. (But not black t-shirts.)

    Like

  4. Gahahaha! The. Black. Shirt. Ohmigosh… what a bully. So funny!
    My worst bullies? Well, you’ve named a few, starting with my evil alarm clock and it’s harp tune that’s supposed to convince me that getting out of bed is a GOOD thing. Then there’s my phone telling me I need to “swipe screen to unlock” and my tablet that says “enter password”… The chickens who say, “Feed me, I’m starving and haven’t eaten for… whole seconds!” “Collect my eggs before I step all over them with my poopy feet, break the shells and suck up the sweet caviar within!” “Where’s my water?” “Why is it raining?” Well, it actually all sounds kind of like, “Buck buck buck buuuuuck….. buck buck”, but I know very well what they’re saying… e-vil chick-ens…. Mother Hen

    Like

  5. OMG- Can I say how MUCH I LOVE this?? I don’t think so!! I’m worried some other commenter is going to tell me I wasn’t articulate enough. Or bully me about using all caps above. Or you’ll bully me into buying you extra slices of pizza. I truly loved this because 1) I love personification and 2) I love taking a concept and then stretching it to absurdity. BRAVO Bully Blog!!

    Like

    • I am also a big fan of the personification. I do it lots actually. And also I will be getting some extra pieces of pizza and your lunch money. And absurd? How dare you accuse me of being absurd? I never!

      Like

  6. Answer this comment! Come on, you don’t want people to think you’re an anti-social blogger do you? Come on!! Is that it??! Are you anti social or something?? Oh, look at Ben, he’s anti-social!! Oh, what are you, crying now?? You gonna go home and tell your mommy??

    Like

Your Bitter Comments

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s