My Bitter Fetch Quest


Nope this show will kill you.

Nope. This show’s acting will kill you.

Everyone has a place where they go to escape the bitterness of everyday life.  Some people like to go shopping, some are really good at taking a naps (obviously, duh) and other people like to spend time in the great outdoors(I still haven’t figured out what is so Great about them).  My escape is video games and television.  I’ve figured out that the reason why I like a show or a video game is that I would want to live there.  That being said, any show on CBS is off.  I don’t want to work at CSI (Vegas, New York, Miami, Bismark, Aspen or even Sacramento), every comedy is depressingly cheesy, and Survivor? I think their next season should involve people Surviving watching a whole episode.

Yesterday, I thought it was going to be my lucky day.  I found a Red Ryder Rifle gun while rifling(get it?) through my junk drawer, and it came with instructions.  Point and shoot and whatever imaginary TV or video game world you are thinking of and that is where you will go.  So I aimed it at a window. Quickly, the note said, “Not at the window you idiot, you’ll shoot your eye out.”  Luckily, I only kind of shot my eye out.


Kind of.


My first thought(other than my eye is really sore) was of Greendale Community College, of Community fame.  Who wouldn’t want to sit at the coolest table in the coolest community college in television? Who wouldn’t want to sit right next to Jeff Winger, pretending not to care about anything, texting people constantly, and preparing motivational speeches to rally the study group every day?  And the amount of actual studying going on at that table? Same amount as I did in college.  When I shot the floor and jumped into the portal to Greendale, I expected to be to fall right into a Pillow fort vs. Blanket fort battle, or a fake Zombie outbreak, or at least a Troy and Abed in the Morning. Nope. I ended up as Chang’s substitute in Spanish 101.  The whole gang had already passed Spanish 101, Chang already had Changnesia, and the Dean didn’t even visit the class because he was more concerned about Spanish 102.  I was also in charge of mopping the cafeteria.

Yes, mine too.

Yes, mine too.

After being in only the bitter edges of what I thought would be my favorite imaginary place, I gave up and went to my next imaginary favorite place.  My favorite YouTube show Video Game High School, or VGHS for short.  A world in which video game kill streaks on the show Pwn Zone, are breaking news and interrupt Presidential News conferences. Where video game players are celebrities and VGHS is a more prestigious school to go to than Harvard.  I accidentally shot the ceiling and some debris and rubble fell down and almost burie me before I’m transported to VGHS.  I hope to end up in Principal Calhoun’s office to get my briefing on which clan I’m going to be in, or getting to meet BrianD, Jenny Matrix, Ted or Ki Swan.  Instead, I end up down in the sub basement, in the social gaming department.  The internet is dialup, the games are strictly Facebook only ones like Farmville, Mafia Wars and Kitchen Scramble.  I’m stuck here, without even my phone to liven the place up.  By the end of the day, I was begging for a 56K modem just so I could play Super Mario Bros.  No such luck.

I decided to take one more shot (get it shot…) at going somewhere else.  I thought really hard.  Where else would I want to go? There are hardly any good shows on TV that I would want to visit. Then I remember. There is still one show left on TV that has people I would want to hang out with.  Brooklyn 99.  Maybe I will be assigned to work with Jake Peralta and Charles undercover, or be a fellow admin with Gina and wise crack back to the captain all day without actually doing anything.  Maybe even partner up with fellow bitter cop Rosa and Super Nerd suck up Amy.  Nope, I ended up with Hitchcock and Scully.  And not even going out for pizza.  Doing traffic for the night.  I was stuck in the middle of Brooklyn directing traffic. They slept the whole time.  And it was raining. And there was honking of horns.  And traffic was a nightmare.  Just like this stupid gun that promised I could go anywhere I wanted.

But the day was over.  I realized that the owner of the Red Ryder Rifle was trolling me.  He just needed someone to do his Fetch Quests(the video game equivalent of getting coffee for your boss) while he and the main characters did the fun stuff.  Just then, it hit me.  Hawaii 5-0! Idiot! I could have gone to Hawaii. Why wouldn’t you think to go there? My bitter luck.

Idiot! You couldn't just say Hawaii 5-0!

Idiot! You couldn’t just think Hawaii 5-0?


Bitter Fetch Quest Ben


30 thoughts on “My Bitter Fetch Quest

  1. I don’t understand most television anymore, but at least The Price Is Right is reliable and full of people who somehow don’t know how to play the Clock Game for some reason.


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