Hey Mom, thanks a lot for enduring all that bitter pain for 9 months, just so you would have to endure even more pain for another 42 years(and counting). You’d think that you could at least muster up a grimace, a mean word or even a bitter thought about me. How is a guy supposed to be bitter about having such a good mother?
Hey Mom, thanks a lot for keeping me alive by making me breakfast, packing my lunch and cooking dinner. How is a guy supposed to be bitter when he is well fed all the time?
Hey Mom, thanks a lot for always keeping my room clean, making my bed every day, and washing and folding my clothes all the time. How is a guy supposed to be bitter when his room and life is all organized?
Hey Mom, thanks a lot for teaching me how to talk to girls, treat them with respect, not laugh at me when I epic failed with them and paying for me to go to prom. How is a guy supposed to be bitter when he has a good example of how to be around girls?
Hey Mom, Thanks a lot for teaching me about responsibility, like getting homework done, showing up on time, and working hard. How is a guy supposed to be bitter when people trust him all the time?
Hey Mom, Thanks a lot for teaching me about sarcasm, irony, puns and guffaws. Thanks a lot for laughing at me, with me, about me, and teaching me to laugh at myself. And thanks a lot for teaching me to keep a straight face when someone is tickling me under the chin. Do you have any idea how hard it is to be bitter when I’m trying not to laugh?
Hey Mom, Thanks a lot for teaching me how to brush my hair, and my teeth and my face, to wear clothes and deodorant everyday. How is a guy supposed to be bitter when being clean means people want to be around him?
Hey Mom, Thanks a lot for reminding me about people’s birthdays by giving me the presents to take to their parties, and holidays by putting up the Christmas tree in October, the Halloween Tree in September, the Turkey in the day before Thanksgiving. How is a guy supposed to be bitter when he has all these good holiday memories?
Hey Mom, Thanks a lot for allowing me to wander, to the sandbox, out bike riding, to Lewis Drug, to 7-11, to play video games, off to college, on a mission. How is a guy supposed to be bitter when you allow him such freedom?
Hey Mom, Thanks a lot for making me grow up in South Dakota. And making me mow the lawn and get a paper route, and shovel the driveway and the sidewalks. Now when it blizzards and no one else in the office can drive in the snow, guess who the designated driver and worker for the day is? Okay, I guess a guy can be bitter about that.
Hey Mom, Thanks a lot for teaching me a germ wouldn’t give me a disease, a break up wouldn’t end me, hard work wouldn’t kill me, and rejection wouldn’t define me. How is a guy supposed to be bitter when he always has hope?
And last of all, thanks a lot for teaching me about using my imagination and creativity. How is a guy supposed to have a bitter blog when he has all this creativity and imagination?
I’m really sorry that all my bitterness hasn’t taught you how to be better at being bitter. Maybe someday it will rub off on you and you learn the ways of bitterness. Until then, enjoy being a Happy Mother and have a Happy Mother’s Day.
Your bitterest son,
Bitter Son Ben