At first glance you may not think of me as a serious candidate for President, and you would be totally right. But right now it is trending to run for President on Twitter, so I can’t not at least look at the idea right? So last night while swimming with sharks, I considered it. Sure, I have no experience at all in holding a public office. But when have I ever turned down a bad idea? So, while I don’t have experience in holding a public office, I do have experience in the following:
Spending money irresponsibly – As the president, I would be looked at as the prime example of how to spend money poorly. White House needing a few upgrades to the Presidential Man Cave/Media Room/Video Game hub? Approved. Less money spent on roads and more money spent cool new threads for secret service? Check. Modifications that change Air Force One and Marine One into Transformers Optimus Prime and Bumble Bee? Pass that right through legislation.
Ignoring people’s needs – A good presidential candidate is a representative of not only his state but the whole country. He or she must listen to the needs of the American people and then wholeheartedly ignore them completely for the next 8 years (I’m just going to go ahead and assume that we are going 8 years). Not only do I ignore my kids requests to get toys, but they are always requesting food too. I’m like you didn’t even finish your dinner last week. Why should I give you new food this week? See how well I could handle citizens asking for stuff?
Multi-tasking – The president is always asked to do many things at once. I am doing things two things at one time all the time. I can chew gum and trip on the sidewalk at the same time. I can lay on the couch, and operate a remote at the same time. I’ve driven a car and listened to the radio at the same time. Heck, I’ve even been known to be at work and take a nap at the same time. So if you are looking for a candidate that can sometimes successfully do two things at once every once in a while, I’m your candidate.
Being frazzled – A president should always look frazzled. If you don’t, then how can America trust that you are busy enough doing things? I’ve practiced my look in the mirror and when the cameras are on, I can totally pull them off. I have the I-can’t-believe-this-guy-can’t-stop-talking-to-me-on-the-phone boredom look, I’ve got the walking way too fast media chasing me look, I’ve even got the bitter stare down to a science. I am currently working on the exasperated sigh, and the Uggggh, seriously? gaze, and the staring off into space glance.
Flip flopping – Even some life long politicians struggle to pull this move off with aplumb I can. Some politicians can pull off an issue or two, but none of them can flip flop like me. If you want someone who you just can’t pin down to make a decisive call on an issue, I’m your man. In fact, ask me about any issue and I will surely have a different opinion of something every single time. I’m that good at changing my mind.
Living lavishly – When it comes to being catered to at all times, I haven’t always had the opportunity, but when I have been given the chance, I have pulled this off with expertise. There was that one time in the Bahamas, that other time in Hawaii, and you bitter believe that when I go on a cruise in June, I’m going to let them take care of my every need. No movement will be made that I won’t let them spoil to the highest degree.
Starting arguments – America needs a strong POTUS in the argument department. They need someone to contradict every little decision. Otherwise, where is the tension in those dramatic walkings around in White House that are made famous in movies? How would the Pres be able to deal with Congress and the military and the houses and Supreme Court and foreign nationals without the ability to start arguments? I will contradict every move ever made. That is my promise to you.
Being Exhausted – Man, am I exhausted. So tired, I just can’t think straight. I just want to lay here and watch TV. And eat a sandwich. Yeah, I can do exhausted. Even if I am not.
Feigning excitement – Okay maybe I need to work on this a little. But at those executive dinners where comedians come and roast me for the terrible job I’m doing, you might almost believe that I think they are funny.
Eating dinner – Speaking of Executive dinners, your president will need to be an expert at eating dinner. If you need a guy to be able to eat a $550 a plate dinner for fundraising, I will be there. You need a guy to make a guest apperance at a Pizza Hut in Topeka, KS, I will make the sacrifice for the country. A guest host at Nathan’s Fourth of July, hot dog eating contest, your president will be there for you.
Camp David – Your president will need to be good at vacationing. Camp David, Hawaii, the Caribbean, other beaches, cruises, etc. Your president will need to be an expert at letting go of whatever pressing need is happening in Washington or the world and just leaving that all behind. This guy (me pointing at myself) can ignore all issues while on the Executive Vacation. I’m perfectly willing to let my Vice President Adam Sandler muck it up while I’m gone. There’s no way he can screw it up right? And at least a bad movie will come of that right?
Fat cats in Washington – I have tons of experience dealing with the Fat Cats of Washington. Yeah, maybe I’m talking about the State of Washington, and yeah, maybe I’m talking about real cats that are a little heavy, but I have an expert ability of being able to shew them away when they are trying to poop on my lawn.
Push buttons – I can push people’s buttons. Get under their skin. Make them squirm. I’m a level 45 button pusher. When someone needs me annoy, cajole, poke, or prod I am the man. Also, I’m really good at pushing remote control buttons, garage door openers, easy buttons, and nuclear launch control buttons. Weeeeee!
So, without hesitation, I am announcing my candidacy for the Master Chief position(cause I’ve played Halo!) of the United States. Please join my campaign by donating money, coming to my $500 a plate dinners, donating advertising space on your networks and brown nosing me in every way. Also, Tweet, Facebook and Instagram my social medias to all your constituents.
Twitter @benadman, Instagram @bensbitterblog, Facebook, Ben’s Bitter Blog and retweet this to all your blogger friends.
I promise to make Bitter Better!
President Bitter Ben for President