Bitter Old Man

You know for a fact, I'm gonna have a three pronged tennis ball cane.

You know for a fact, I’m gonna have a three pronged tennis ball cane.

I just turned 42 last month. Talking about being in your fourties, I think Louis CK said it best.  Of course, I’m paraphrasing here: When you are 40(42 is in the same yacht) you’re old.  You’re half dead. But you’re not old enough for anyone to give a crap that you’re old. Nobody spends their holiday delivering hot meals to 40 year olds.  But you’re not young enough for anyone to be proud of anything you accomplish.

I’m old, but only according to my age, and according to my falling apart body.  I am 8 year old trapped in an 81 year old body, trapped in an actual body that is 42.  So there are a lot of things that suck about being my age.  But being 81, now that is a bitterman’s dream.  You know how they say youth is wasted on the young?  Well, I say oldness is wasted on the old. Let me tell you why.

I will be tormenting young people – Young people think they are so awesome with their fancy cell phones and their super hip latest technology and their super cool slang that only they understand, but you know what they don’t have? All the free time in the world.  They have school and a part time job and the future to worry about.  And angst. All kinds of angst. Not me.  You know what I have? Time to prank call them, and passively aggressively tell them how they have things to worry about.

I will be the best bitter old guy on the block – I’ll be the one that has the lawn that the kids will fear getting on.  Clint Eastwood in Gran Turino won’t have anything on me.  I will be the legendary house that no kid will want to Trick or Treat at, the one kids will cross the street to avoid, and the creepily maintained one that they will think was the basis for all haunted houses.

Memory loss –  I will turn that superpower on and off whenever I please.  If asked to bring a lasagna to a gathering, what lasagna? When it comes to my birthday, my memory will be clear as a bell, but if a card with money birthday comes along, whoops I forgot.  The IRS comes asking for money, or if a wallet of someone’s accidentally gets lifted from someone’s back pocket? Sorry, I had no idea I was doing it.

Getting things carried for you –  Yes, I’m fully capable of carrying a bag of groceries, but you won’t know that.  Mysterious back ailments will happen, knees problems can happen suddenly at any time, and what were we talking about again?

Oh man, it is taking me so long to get across the street.  I hope no one is in a hurry...

Oh man, it is taking me so long to get across the street. I hope no one is in a hurry…

Any time of the day is play time – Don’t feel like going to bed until midnight? Feel like sleeping at 2 pm? Want to go to the grocery store at 2 am to torment the night stocker and make him have to ring you up? Just do it.  Wanna call your son at his stressful job during the busiest time of the day? “Hey son, I was just wondering…When you knock on watermelons are they supposed to be hollow sounding or full?” Need to cross the street during rush hour? Take your time.

I will revise history –   Thankfully, not many people are very good at history or the accuracy of it.  I will be making up stories like I was Forrest Gump.  Yeah, I was working for NASA during the moon landing (even though I wasn’t alive), yeah I worked at Microsoft when they first started, yes I used to play on the same basketball team as Micheal Jordan and actually taught him some moves.  What are people going to do, fact check?

I will taunt my kids/grandkids with money – I will hint about money.  I will talk about stocks I had way back when in Microsoft(see previous) and Apple, talk about a baseball collection with Babe Ruth, a coin collection of some buffalo nickels, talk about some bonds I had as a kid that “is somewhere around here”.

Some people look forward to retiring so they can travel the world or spend more time with their family.  When I retire, I dream of being the bitterest old man alive. Yeah, pizza will probably prevent me from making it that fat, but a bitterman can dream.  And be assured, if I day make it that day, I’ll be posting all about it with my old man fingers.

ARRRRRGG – cough, splutter,  HHHHH,

Bitter Old Man Ben

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65 thoughts on “Bitter Old Man

  1. My policy (from a guy in his mid-40s) – never talk about being old, never admit you are old, never use being old as an excuse for doing/not doing something, do not embrace your oldness in any manner whatsoever. Cling to and preserve the elements of youth that you still have, because once you lose them, they are generally gone forever. Growing old gracefully is an old person’s game.

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  2. So what you’re saying is that you’re halfway to 84! A milestone, indeed. Congrats, almost old man. Your plans for old age sound well-reasoned and in keeping with your bitterness. Can’t wait to see how it all goes for you.

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  3. OMG great minds think alike. I totally just blogged about pretty much the same thing! Crazy. Well with the slight difference that I think I’m half dead at 30… but then again I’m a woman so that probably makes sense haha

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  4. Bitter Ben, you will be the best old Crankshaft ever.

    You will also be Saying Sarcastic Things to Everyone and no one will be able to call you out on it because they have to respect their elders. No more having to play nicely with the other children in the sandbox because you are no longer a child; you are old as the dirt in the sandbox.

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  5. I have no intention of waiting until I’m that old to be a cranky old lady. I’ve been tormenting teenagers for years. I have no use for most of them, other than my amusement. You know how they travel in packs walking four or five across in the middle of the street, then just glance over their shoulders at you as you’re trying to drive down they street? They’re too cool/important to get out of the way. Boy you should see them scatter when I put my car in neutral and stomp on the gas!

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  6. Copying your notes… filing them away to use… I’m six years ahead of you, feel like a 12 year old but feel grumpy enough on some days to give my 94-year-old grampa a run for his money. Great list, thanks for the laugh!!

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    • I feel grumpy on all days. Those are but a few notes. There are many more hidden within this blog, but you will have to search. In other words, never mind. That’s too much work for bitter people like us.

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  7. I remember when I was little, kids used to come into my grandfathers backyard and he would always tell them to leave. One day as the kids were leaving one of them called him an ‘old fogey’ and my grandfather said “See, they called me an old fogey, but they left”. I never forgot that day and, for some reason your blog inspires me to retell that story for no significant reason whatsoever.

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