It seems like everytime I turn around, some idiot is setting me up with a dentist appointment. As you might have just surmised, I set a dentist appointment for today. A lot of people I know would brush extra hard and floss just right today, but I don’t. First of all, is any amount of brushing done today (or flossing? nah, hurts too much) going to reverse all the damage and neglect you’ve been doing for the last six months? Maybe, if you are an extra good brusher, or a super famous flosser, something different will happen today. But you are not, and the same thing will happen. The dentist will writhe in pain as he looks at your 6 cavities, and will gasp at the gums you’ve so carefully ignored. Besides, by the time the “dentist” comes around to check your teeth the hygienist has picked at you like a miner looking for cavity gold, they’ve flossed you until your gums literally bleed, and they’ve drilled you with industrial strength excavator looking not only for your plaque but all the plaque that has ever been created by mankind. Now that I think about it, why do I only set a dentist appointment every six months? Why don’t these guys and girls just come to my house twice a day if they are so concerned about my teeth being in such great shape? If they don’t, I think I might just report them to the the Bitter Business Bureau.
You know the Bitter Business Bureau. The organization run by yours truly, whose motto is, “We can hear you, but we aren’t listening.” We are an agency that is dedicated, even obsessed about both businesses and the consumers the busy them. We are there to make sure that the highest possible amount of misunderstanding takes place in every transaction. Is a local business in your area showing you the level of disrespect that you crave? Was there some kind of customer service done well that you want changed to your dissatisfaction? Well, give us all call, and go through our multi-treed menus to nowhere. If you need us there right away, text us and we will not be there, right away for you. If a Fortune 500 company is out there looking out for your needs, fax us. We have live robots right next to the fax machine ready to shred your complaints immediately after you send them in.
Is Jake from State Farm calling you at two in the morning, whispering creepily to your husband about his khakis? Is Flo from Progressive Insurance hanging out in alleyways trying to give you some device give your car some “unfair advantages” or “performance enhancing” fuel? Is Burger King’s King staring in an inappropriate way so he can offer you a free delicious Whopper? Or is Ronald the Clown from McDonald’s following you around trying to extra as-salt your fries? Register a complaint with the Bitter Business Bureau and we will be on there…at our desks, napping and drooling because we just ate a delicious pizza, from the creepy Little Caesar’s guy wearing a dress, some leftover garland on his head, and a trident he borrowed from Aquaman to spear pizzas.
The Bitter Business Bureau is there to fight for your case…of soda. We are on your side…of beef. If you are uncomfortable, we are really comfortable. If you feel neglected, we feel like we had a big part in that. If you feel used by the system, we feel like we built the system customized to meet your every use. Just like with your neighborhood kids, we are there to hear what you are saying, but we are extra carefully not listening to you.
We can’t wait to ignore your every need! Please remember to call, phone us, dial your phone, or ring your telly. Also fax us, email us, text us, or come visit us in
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Bitter Ben’s Bitter Business Bureau