It’s time. I can’t take this blog anymore. It’s gonna get blown up to bits and pieces and rebuilt from the bottom up to be a much bitter blog. Wow. Really? You thought I was going to do any work at all on this thing? Come on. No. I’m not changing this blog. That would be what nice people call that volunteering. Bitter people call that NOPE! If I remodel this time it’s gonna be done by Ty Pennington, of the old Extreme Home Makeover’s show. I think they stopped that show because every home in America had already been done except mine. Thanks a ton, Ty. Everyday I have to drive by all these stupid houses that you build because my neighbors had a need. Some had a stomach ache. Others couldn’t stand the color of their wallpaper. One guy down the street had a hangnail and they rebuilt his house. He’s never even there! Why? Why?
Then last night I’m watching, wait for it…yes Extreme Couponing. This is a thing. Do you know what a coupon is? Someone knocked down a tree(thanks by the way, they were blocking my view and littering on my lawn) beat the dead skin into a bloody pulp, smoothed it to a 1 weight, decide that piece wasn’t good enough to be resume paper and discarded into the trash. Some hippie pulled that thing from the trash, put it in recycle where its “supposed” to go, and it got beat to a pulp again. Then with some smoothing and buffing this piece of paper shined. It was given a sheen so shiny that it could almost reflect the ugly face of the person who dug this thing out from a Tuesday newspaper from the trash. All this so it could be used by some crazy person who thinks that they need 800 bottles of Gatorade, for $.30 so it can it in their stockpile. Yes, a stockpile. Apparently if the apocolypse comes, they will survive on Gatorade and paper towels. If I were them, I would use the Gatorade to repel the zombies. No one looks watered down electrolytes.
All this extremeing got me thinking. We can do way better and way more extreme. Snap into a Slim Jim Extreme. I have a bunch of ideas, but keep them secret please. I don’t want desperate executives of Network Television knocking down my door, arresting me for having an idead, putting me under an EXTREME spotlight, and giving me a reality show detector test. So here are my super secret ideas.
Extreme neighborhood kid bike fights – This one will set the world on fire, at least I hope it sets my neighborhood kids on fire (metaphorically of course if homeland security happens to read this). We build two huge opposing ramps up, set some rings on fire, and have ourselves a modern day jousting tournament. Last kid standing gets to never come to our house and ever bother us again.
Extreme texting wars – In a world (imagine my movie trailer voice), where a bored teenager must be hit send to release a useless jumble of letter and emojicons from their phone, shot up in light speed to a sophisticated billion dollar space satellite, then returned at warp speed back to earth, to another bored teenager sitting right next to them to tell them that their phone sucks and they are so bored in the least amount of fingerstrokes and effort wins the Extreme Texting Wars.
Extreme tape taping – Do you think you have what it takes? I SAID, DO YOU THINK YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES? To get your Scotch on? To be the fastest tape dispenser in West Covina? Are you a tapeslinger of epic proportions? Have you been perfecting your five finger tape stick technique to a matted shine? Are you obsessed with the even strips and the perfect equidistanting of tape across the four corners of a present? Then you may have what it takes to be the Next Extreme Tape Dispensing Master!
Extreme internet trolling – You may think you can make fun of people on the internet. You may think you have what it takes to frustrate and incense people on their blogs, websites, forums and internet search sites. But your jaw will drop when you see these amazingly annoying trolls incense even a three year old with no experience in the getting mad. You will despise watching them, but you just won’t be able to look away.
Extreme Wackadoodling – For far too long, this extreme sport has been a ghost, an underground phenomenon, a vapor, even more secret than the Fight Club itself. Our brave host and cameramen, at the risk of their very lives, film and expose this dangerously wacky, eccentric group of overzealous grandma’s and grandpa’s as they extreme fight their weirdness. This gritty and dangerous world will make you gasp, will light a fire to your senses and melt your brainwaves. Tune in, if you dare.
I apologize to any viewer who might be offended by the EXTREMENESS of these ideas(my lawyers say I have to say that, but I don’t really have to mean it). I know you don’t have the guts to watch any of these reality shows because you don’t have the EXTREME GENE that I do. But I welcome you to try. That will be amusement to me and trust me, that will be filmed and become my next reality show. So BRING IT ON!
Remember to visit the Weblog Award Page and help me meet my goal of second place finish in the 2015 Weblog of the Year. GO VOTE IN AN EXTREME MANNER!
Bitterly EXTREME Ben