Bitter Extreme Makeover

Time to blow this thing up!

Time to blow this thing up!

It’s time. I can’t take this blog anymore. It’s gonna get blown up to bits and pieces and rebuilt from the bottom up to be a much bitter blog.  Wow.  Really? You thought I was going to do any work at all on this thing? Come on.  No. I’m not changing this blog. That would be what nice people call that volunteering.  Bitter people call that NOPE! If I remodel this time it’s gonna be done by Ty Pennington, of the old Extreme Home Makeover’s show.  I think they stopped that show because every home in America had already been done except mine.  Thanks a ton, Ty.  Everyday I have to drive by all these stupid houses that you build because my neighbors had a need.  Some had a stomach ache. Others couldn’t stand the color of their wallpaper.  One guy down the street had a hangnail and they rebuilt his house.  He’s never even there! Why? Why?

Step aside people.  We need to cut this thing down for some coupons!

Step aside people. We need to cut the world’s tallest tree for some coupons!

Then last night I’m watching, wait for it…yes Extreme Couponing.  This is a thing.  Do you know what a coupon is? Someone knocked down a tree(thanks by the way, they were blocking my view and littering on my lawn) beat the dead skin into a bloody pulp, smoothed it to a 1 weight, decide that piece wasn’t good enough to be resume paper and discarded into the trash.  Some hippie pulled that thing from the trash, put it in recycle where its “supposed” to go, and it got beat to a pulp again.  Then with some smoothing and buffing this piece of paper shined. It was given a sheen so shiny that it could almost reflect the ugly face of the person who dug this thing out from a Tuesday newspaper from the trash.  All this so it could be used by some crazy person who thinks that they need 800 bottles of Gatorade, for $.30 so it can it in their stockpile.  Yes, a stockpile. Apparently if the apocolypse comes, they will survive on Gatorade and paper towels.  If I were them, I would use the Gatorade to repel the zombies.  No one looks watered down electrolytes.

All this extremeing got me thinking.  We can do way better and way more extreme. Snap into a Slim Jim Extreme.  I have a bunch of ideas, but keep them secret please.  I don’t want desperate executives of Network Television knocking down my door, arresting me for having an idead, putting me under an EXTREME spotlight, and giving me a reality show detector test.  So here are my super secret ideas.

Except with another kid jouster.

Except with another kid jouster.

Extreme neighborhood kid bike fights – This one will set the world on fire, at least I hope it sets my neighborhood kids on fire (metaphorically of course if homeland security happens to read this). We build two huge opposing ramps up, set some rings on fire, and have ourselves a modern day jousting tournament.  Last kid standing gets to never come to our house and ever bother us again.

Extreme texting wars – In a world (imagine my movie trailer voice), where a bored teenager must be hit send to release a useless jumble of letter and emojicons from their phone, shot up in light speed to a sophisticated billion dollar space satellite, then returned at warp speed back to earth, to another bored teenager sitting right next to them to tell them that their phone sucks and they are so bored in the least amount of fingerstrokes and effort wins the Extreme Texting Wars.

Extreme tape taping – Do you think you have what it takes? I SAID, DO YOU THINK YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES? To get your Scotch on?  To be the fastest tape dispenser in West Covina?  Are you a tapeslinger of epic proportions? Have you been perfecting your five finger tape stick technique to a matted shine? Are you obsessed with the even strips and the perfect equidistanting of tape across the four corners of a present? Then you may have what it takes to be the Next Extreme Tape Dispensing Master!

Extreme internet trolling – You may think you can make fun of people on the internet.  You may think you have what it takes to frustrate and incense people on their blogs, websites, forums and internet search sites.  But your jaw will drop when you see these amazingly annoying trolls incense even a three year old with no experience in the getting mad.  You will despise watching them, but you just won’t be able to look away.

Not to be confused with Doodle Jump.

Not to be confused with Doodle Jump.

Extreme Wackadoodling – For far too long, this extreme sport has been a ghost, an underground phenomenon, a vapor, even more secret than the Fight Club itself.  Our brave host and cameramen, at the risk of their very lives, film and expose this dangerously wacky, eccentric group of overzealous grandma’s and grandpa’s as they extreme fight their weirdness.  This gritty and dangerous world will make you gasp, will light a fire to your senses and melt your brainwaves.  Tune in, if you dare.

I apologize to any viewer who might be offended by the EXTREMENESS of these ideas(my lawyers say I have to say that, but I don’t really have to mean it).  I know you don’t have the guts to watch any of these reality shows because you don’t have the EXTREME GENE that I do.  But I welcome you to try.  That will be amusement to me and trust me, that will be filmed and become my next reality show.  So BRING IT ON!

Make me your second place! (or first loser)

Make me your second place! (or first loser)

Remember to visit the Weblog Award Page and help me meet my goal of second place finish in the 2015 Weblog of the Year.  GO VOTE IN AN EXTREME MANNER!

ARRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH

Bitterly EXTREME Ben

 

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39 thoughts on “Bitter Extreme Makeover

  1. I don’t believe you thanked me for my vote….that makes me feel…ummm..it’s almost like I feel a bit like, ummmm, some, bit of……ummmmm….oh, now I know….I feel like butter! Yup, still cheery. 😁

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        • Were you around when I did that YouTube Video? It’s still on my page. Anyways, I remember when I did it, people were saying how Amanda (the other blogger that is the reporter) was so much better than me and made the video. So you know you might like it just for her.

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        • Well, you know I’m bitter and lazy just like you so I’m not going to go searching Youtube for it (no I didn’t see it). You better send me the link. Actually that’s not true, I did search Youtube for it but gave up when I did not see results on the same page, but I did see this. I think you should sue.

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        • You were so close. Just type in Bitter Entertainment Network. It is the first one (other than maybe a sponsored one) and then a second one of bloopers. It’s also on the blog. One of the pages at the top labeled Bitter Entertainment Network. Either way, it is really hard for a lazy person to find. And suing that guy too. I wish I had the strength to take all $10 he would owe me.

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        • Well there’s 9 minutes of my life I’ll never get back. I don’t know what my favorite part was…the embarrassingly obvious glances at the teleprompter, the stiff dialogue…and yes, Amanda did completely outshine you! I am also bitterly disappointed that you don’t speak in a really gruff bitter tone or look nearly as dissatisfied as you do in your profile picture!!

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        • And I was there to witness you losing those 9 minutes being lost. Yes, my teleprompter was my stupid hands not doing their job and holding the papers the right way. The dialogue was of course written by me, and my voice is so void of emotion that even though I was trying really hard to sound excited, it still comes off as sounding dull. I should probably not go into acting anytime soon. All the good parts of the video were all her. Her reporting and the editing and graphics, all her.

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        • Okay, I’m glad you said it and not me. Actually, the dialogue was funny even if, well let’s just say, some of the stars were a bit stiff. Sometimes it’s irresistible to make deprecatory comments on your work and you seem to take it well but you know I really am a fan.

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        • Well, let’s just say that I always get docked on my phone calls back in the day for my voice not showing enough excitement. I was always like “That is excitement. You should see when I sound bored.”

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        • I don’t even bother. Customers are never right anyways. And by the way, they would probably prefer to talk to a monotone one like me than a super caffeinated upbeat person when you have a problem.

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        • Yes, Ben, I think as you ramble on in your soothing monotone making absolutely no sense whatsoever, I think I would probably fall asleep and completely forget the reason I was calling.

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        • That is one of my tools. Distraction. Helps me fight off the many minions that want to try to talk to me/need my help. Then if someone ever calls back they will ask for anyone but that “boring guy”.

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