The other night, I was asked to perform the husbandly task of moving a box of something that was placed somewhere inside to a location outside. When it comes to being useful around the house (or anywhere for that matter) I am the Wally from Dilbert fame. I stealth in and out of situations be make myself less useful. But, on a scale of 1 to UGH I Don’t Want To Do That, this task ranked as a 1. Not having to think, just being the “muscle” and then looking good because “I helped”. Anyways, as per normal, I forgot to do the task, until I was reminded (like almost all the things I do). By the time I got the first reminder, it had turned dark outside.
Luckily, one of the few things I’m not afraid of is the dark, except in some extreme cases, like when a hoard of demons is outside my house or there is a werewolf convention in town and the main menu is Bitter Ben Cold Cuts. So I walked outside with my flashlight to carry the very valuable storage bins filled with dust particles and really old bricks to the shed. When I flashed my light underneath the trampoline, I noticed a set of eyes and immediately thought it was one of the aforementioned wolves from the werewolf convention. Unfortunately for everyone else, but fortunately for me, it was only a dog who was skulking around in the dark, probably looking for his so called “dog friends” who were going to take him clubbing, but ditched him when they saw a bunch of female dogs. He ended up moping off, so I decided that I was gonna check and see if there were other members of the dog family traipsing about, when what appeared in a clearing of trees….A BUNNY RABBIT!!! IT’S GONNA EAT MY FACE OFF! Never mind. This isn’t a Monty Python movie. I finished up putting the bins away and came inside.
Even after all that, I’m still not afraid of the dark. When I sleep, not only do I not want a night light, but I try to cover my whole face so light doesn’t get into my vision holes, because if I see light or even sense it, I’m awake. What I do fear, is the daytime.
In the daytime, I have responsibilities. In the daytime, I have a job and traffic to get to that job. In the daytime, I go grocery shopping. In the daytime, people go to school. In the daytime, people go hiking, biking, rollerskating, running, skipping, and smiling. In the daytime, people fix stuff, and do yardwork, and interact with other humans, face deadlines, fax, email, blog, tweet, post, facebook, instagram, and pinterest. Most people have hope when they wake up in the morning. Me, I have hope for a bitter day…at night.
Tomorrow I will do something, tomorrow I will get a raise, tomorrow I will learn how to spell rhythm without Google. Tomorrow, I will invent Google. Tomorrow, I will start a Bitter Empire where all the world’s greatest products will be sold on my website and will be magically distributed to all mailboxes in America. There will be a Bitter T-shirt on every Chinese person in China saying Made In My House, Seattle, USA.
I’ve never written a better post in the morning than I imagined at night. All my great ideas come in the nighttime. I never want to go to sleep at night, because when I fall asleep, all my great ideas get stolen by brain gremlins. When I wake up in the morning, it’s UGGGHHH. NNNNGGGG and Neeeoooohhh! The house is cold. I don’t want to wake up. My great ideas are being robbed by the brain gremlins and I need to go back to sleep so I can steal my ideas back. My ambitions, and energies and motivations are right there in the dream. And this annoying alarm won’t stop annoying me, when it can clearly see I’m busy. I’m trying to beat the gremlin.
How can daytime be good when it takes a monumental effort to pull myself up? Last night when I was on the couch, it didn’t take this long. But in the daytime, it requires all kinds of energy. It might take a shower, or food, or coffee or energy drinks(none of which I take. Well I do shower and eat sometimes.) But none of them are fun in the morning.
When I am playing video games, or watching TV during the daytime, I’m considered lazy. When I play them at night, I’m just winding down, relaxing from a hard day. When I eat all kinds of garbage during the day, I’m a glutton. When I eat them at night, I’m just “getting a midnight snack”.
Nighttime doesn’t expect you to be productive. But daytime is like your grandma grabbing you by the ear and dragging into the bathroom and making you wash behind your ears. Daytime is the military waking you up at 5 am, shining a bright flashlight in your face, calling you a maggot and telling you to run 5 miles. Daytime splashes a bright light on all your dreams. The wet blanket. The party pooper. The one that asks you to work ALL. DAY. LONG. Come back defeated. Nighttime brings you a comfy robe, and slippers, gets you the newspaper, brings you a danish and some warm milk and lays you down on a nice couch. Then you drift off with your Big Ideas. Nightmares. Pssshhh.
Waking up. Now that is a Bitter Daymere.
Bitter Daymere Ben