I’ve noticed lately that I’m not quite reaching all the people that I want to. I don’t know if Bitterness is dying just as much as leaves on all the trees around here, but it seems like this time of year, should bring bitterness about, not cause it to go into hibernation. I looked at the numbers, crunched them, marinated them in apple juice, added some bitterroot, buried them in the ground, then ignored them like I always do, because they make no sense. The only thing I know about numbers is 1-10 and even that is even pretty sketchy.
Then I decided to go to the marketing department. They told me that I’m losing the battle in key demos like the 1-100 age range to PBS’s Newshour Ebola Lesson Plan, which sounds like the most unimportant show in the world, but involves lots of bitter people talking about bitter plans for things, so I feel like I should have won that one. Also my overnights on the Spa Channel on Sirius Satellite were a putrid -0.7, meaning that one person that was actually only .7 of a person asked for their money back on their one year free Sirius Satellite radio subscription they got for buying their new Ford Focus. Marketing seems to think that we might need to go in another direction (like up for once) in order to capture any sort of hold in any market.
I asked about YouTube, Twitter and Facebook to see if we are reaching the Millennial’s or the whatever the generation it is that is younger than them. And they said “What is YouTube, Twitter and Facebook?” I told them what that meant and they were like, “Oh yeah, we read about those things in the history books. That’s what you old people use to communicate stuff.” I asked them what they use know and they used a lot of names that didn’t have a lot of vowels, so I just told them to see what they could do with those things.
I went to distributing to see what kinds of channels we were using to distribute the product and they looked at me blankly. It’s like they didn’t know who I was. Then someone told me that we don’t have a distribution department and this is a quiet place and will you please leave the library as you are disturbing everyone. I then realized they were right and left, but only because they weren’t being much help and I had to go. I had to go back to the problem of meeting the needs of our target market of males between the ages of 41, who’s birthday’s fall on April 9th, who have a blog called http://www.bensbitterblog.wordpress.com, who follow the San Antonio Spurs, have hobbies of laying down on couches and playing video games, are super clumsy, don’t like talking to people and have bad skin.
I had to find a way to reach this dude and it didn’t seem like even with all the debt we had in the bank that we could reach this guy. So I made an executive decision to make a super expensive All-In-One Bitterness device. Here are the features:
-The device is made of solid Osmium(which I’m told by my scientists at Google is twice the weight of lead) and the size of an early 2000’s laptop, so it inconvenient to carry around. It has no carry case or handle and will likely not fit inside any pocket ever, unless the Hammer pants of the famed MC Hammer video U Can’t Touch This had pockets, and even then they would be constantly falling out of those. (And by the way, the device’s tagline will also be You Can’t Touch This in honor of Mr. Claw Hammer.)
-The device will do fun, hip things like spreadsheets, play awesome cutting edge games like Solitaire and Minesweeper and play the oldest, non swaggiest music ever. Stuff like Tubthumping by Chumbawamba, and Nickelback to name a few winners.
-It will be operated by a cord so you can take it nowhere and it will be powered not by traditional methods like batteries or a power supply, but by lightning. Though Doc Oc from Back To The Future needed 1.21 Gigawatts to power the time machine, we will need a little more, clocking in at a nice round number of 1.25 Gigawatts. Now that is something that will fit nicely into the spreadsheet feature.
-It will have a great feature to help you communicate your bitterness to others. While we don’t have texting or emailing or phoning on this device, we do have a way for you to tell others around you how you feel about them. If you are able to heft the device with you in your car, and you are having a hard time with someone in traffic, you can tell the person that is riding your bumper like a horse carriage in the 1890’s, to back off by opening your window and throwing the device at their car. Once you do that, you will cause them and just about everyone else to pileup like that scene in the Matrix. You know the one I’m talking about. Where all the cars crash.
-It will have a great comment and like feature. Whenever you’re cruising the internet dangerous-two-lane-freeway called the WordPress reader and you happen to accidentally scroll by the Bitterest Blog this side of the Universe, the device will swing your cursor back to the site like a magnet to your fridge and will bring you back to the rudimentary kindergarten drawings of your kids, called Bensbitterblog and automatically give the site a like, a follow and an absolutely terrible attempt at a witty comment that would make doves cry worse than Prince.
Tell me this device doesn’t have it all. (Really, tell me, because it doesn’t even have that much.) Just when you thought you couldn’t afford to have another device in your arsenal of electronics that you tote to work everyday, (Okay, so you just tote a phone. Fine.) there comes another unnecessary device for you to drag along with you. But, before you completely buy in and want to buy this thing, wait until you hear the price. It is not 100, not 200, not even $300,000,000. Nope it is an astronomical $Google dollars. That’s right, you, Bill Gates could own this device for only all your money, plus all the money of the rest of the worlds in the universe’s money combined. But there’s less. If you decide to buy today, you will never feel happiness or joy again, only bitterness.
So, who’s gonna get one? Who’s going to have everything they didn’t want, in a package that will make their life exponentially worse?
Who wants to finance my empire of 1?
ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH
Bitter All-In-one Ben
You’re post is making me laugh. Isn’t that the opposite of bitter?
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I think the opposite of bitter is sweet, but laughing leans on the side of sweet, so it is probably adjacent maybe?
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Okay so it’s safe to laugh then. Maybe add a little evil to the laugh just to make sure…
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Evil, bitter, maybe a sarcastic laugh.
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Sounds good (Aka bitter)
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Bitter is always better.
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Yes always
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Can I give it a test spin before I commit to a lifetime of bitterness and woe?
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Sure. There will be a deposit of a billion dollars to test it for a week though. When do you want to start?
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I (resentfully) approve of any type of cords being wrapped or worn in the fall.
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I think that would definitely be a look that I could see Hollywood going for. Do you think we could convince one of them to try it?
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Ben,
I’m the wrong person for the job. I’ve been pitching a series about a clan of creatures from the Black Lagoon who go to war with a group of magical Sea Monkeys for control of a salt water tank. NO ONE is returning my calls.
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No one returns my calls either. But that is probably because I don’t make calls. I forgot how to dial a phone.
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I would buy it but as I am a Cheergerm, I can only be bitter in secret. I don’t want to draw attention to myself.
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Not sure what a Cheergerm is but I get the impression that it has something to do with happiness? Can’t it be about germs that infect things and make them miserable?
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So a bittergerm in sheeps clothing. Or is that Cheergerm’s clothing
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I’m a wolf in wolf’s clothing.
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Well we know that!
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Cause I’m so predictable.
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Just a tad
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Well, a cheergerm is someone who is naturally of a happy demeanour and spreads good cheer (like a virus without the snot). But like all human beans, I have a bitter and melancholy streak and love to read blogs such as yours. Mayhaps I am living vicariously through your bitterness? Mayhaps I am really a Cheergerm in bittergerm sheeps clothing on top of another layer of Cheergerm clothing who is trying to trick you to the side of being a Cheergerm?
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I’m pretty sure I’m not a cheergerm. I will ask my wife, but I’m pretty sure she will say no way. A Bittergerm definitely. As you can see, I’m doing my best to spread the bitterness to all.
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I like the ring of Bittergerm. You are doing a great job of spreading the Word of Bitter. Mayhaps there is a teeny tiny speck of cheer inside you just as I have a streak of bitterness. We keep the world in balance. (The bitterness in me says we are doing a shite job of that yet the cheer in me, says Good Job, Keep Trying.)
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I do the best I can with the limited following I have. I hope to some day actually get more than 100 friends on Facebook to teach the ways of the bitterness.
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Well now I don’t know what I’m supposed to think and that makes me bitter. 😉
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Indecisiveness is the path to bitterness.
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Which way to that path?
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To the one most traveled.
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Well that makes sense.
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So I made sense for once?
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Yeah weird..
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Awesomely expensive onesie, Ben… all it’s missing is a zip front and bunny ears. 😉 But I like the idea of lots of cords. You can never have too many of those…
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You call it a onesie, I call it a heavy bitterphone without phone capabilities. Corded is the best. I like to tangle the ones on my TV up.
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Yeah, my hubby too. Watching American football by nicking HDMI cables from the backs of poor, unsuspecting components and plugging in his laptop to the TV. It is a proper spaghetti junction back there.
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Cause nothing is more fun that stealing other people’s cable and then pleading ignorance because you had all those cords back there and just didn’t know how it worked.
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Great stuff. Do you mind if I pay in Bitcoins?
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Are Bitcoins just another word for US dollars? If so, then yes. If not, take your Bitcoins an exchange them for some space dollars that will be much more worth it to me.
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Every time I happen to catch Tubthumping on the radio, I count the entire day as ‘better than good.’ 🙂
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Wow really? It had a kind of catchy beat, but it wore out so fast. So fast…but we can disagree on them. Plus can their name be any more random. Chumbawamba? Yikes.
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Have you tried “give aways” like a nasty comment for five likes, or a really serious insult for ten? You could even offer to do a mean comment on rival bloggers site for repost. Have a holiday sale!
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I’ve got plenty of things I want to giveaway. Like all my kids toys, all my old clothes and some of crappy food we have in our pantry.
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Stop picking on Nickelback. Can’t help. Trying to sell a house. Good luck. 🙂
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I’ve only picked on Nickelback once. That should be enough since everyone else does. Also, if I only had as many Nickelback’s as they did, I wouldn’t need to be selling this stupid device.
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I like Nickelback and that rock star song….I’m sure that this device will rock the bitterness world!! Also, my son did mention that no one his age (15 years old) do anything on FB. He wouldn’t tell me what they use now.
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I’m glad you like that Nickelback song. It will fit in really well when you are listening to it on repeat when you play minesweeper.
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Try it all one-handed with one fourth of your brain dead! You are stacking up just fine Ben, even if some of it is a funny pile of sh*t!
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The only thing I do one handed in pointing and clicking that remote control. I do stack up a bunch of crap on people that read this blog on a regular basis.
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But we come back for more! Masochistic I guess!
Do you know what the masochist said to the sadist? “Oh beat me beat me!” Do you know whatthe sadist replied? “No!”
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I would say that 90% of the people that visit this blog are masochistic, and the other 10% are just lost.
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No I like a laugh!
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As long as it is a bitter laugh.
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First off, I can feel my bitterness growing as the holiday’s approach. I don’t feel like being thoughtful and buying gifts for everyone on my list. I find it annoying. Secondly, I think this device would work well for everyone on my list. If only I had the cash…. I think I might need to start a campaign to raise the funds.
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You got that right. I need to stop having acquaintances that give me presents, cause I certainly need to eliminate the amount of gifts I need to give out.
It would be a great device to give to people you couldn’t stand, especially the ones that find in traffic.
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I ran out of stevia and had to drink bitter coffee this morning.
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I ran out of patience with everyone today and just drank a big cup of Everyone is making me bitter this morning.
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