When I dream, I often dream big. In the literal sense. Back when I was in school, I would have these dreams about this ginormous school that had 8,000 classes and that would take a speed train just to get from one class to the other. The lockers were the size of a house and the classrooms were the size of arenas. I would also have recurring dreams about a monster house (by size, not one that contained monsters) that had a 100 acre front yard that lead to a sprawling mansion with trap doors, hidden rooms and whole sides of the house that no one knew about. One time I found out the basement had a mall. Not just a strip mall either. It was a full on Mall of America on steroids so big I would need Paul Blart to guard the place. I’m telling you, if you ever inhabited my dreams you would need a map just to get lost.
So, yes I might have a bit of claustrophobia. And yeah, maybe you amateur Freuds might think I have a secret or two hidden in one of those mansion rooms. But hey don’t we all? At least I’m not dreaming of being naked in front of class or dreamin’ of demons. Point is, I’ve always wanted to live in a house like that. Not for the exercise, clearly, but if there was ever a time I didn’t want to be found, this house could hide me. I could commit the crime of the century and the police could search the house for minutes and never find me. As you have noticed though, there has been a housing crisis in this country since 2008 and it has only recently started to get any better. And I’m not exactly growing trees in the back yard that grow money. If I did, the deers would eat it anyway.
So is there any hope of me getting into the home of my literal dreams? Yes, yes there is. I intend to start a whole new market of dwellings. Blanket Forts. You might ask why blanket forts? I say Why Not Blanket forts?
So what are the advantages of a blanket fort over a traditional mansion?
1. Easy set up. The blanket fort requires no wood, no nails, no expensive materials. Just blankets, and some sort of fastener.
2. If your imagination can dream it, your hands and some blankets can achieve it. These things can start small, or grow bigger than any mansion you could ever dream of. Just need more blankets.
3. Harry Potter survived the last two movies(I heard they were based on some books?) in a
tent blanket fort.
4. You will survive a Zombie apocalypse with it. Why would any zombie want to invade a place with nice, soft pillows and blankets?
5. You never have to worry about locking your doors.
6. No rent, mortgage or HOA fees. No one telling you that your grass has to be a certain height, or having to mow your grass at all.
7. It’s portable. If you call for pizza delivery and you are just outside of the range of the “pizza delivery area”, just move your blanket fort house a few streets down and you are in the biz.
8. A whole new market in the dwelling industry. New jobs for Blanket Fort Real Estate Agents, new Blanket Fort furnishings at Bed, Bath, and Beyond and Body Works, new Blanket Fort couches and beds at the Mattress Factory.
9. Finally a couple of new letters in MASH. This might be a new thing for the young ones, but there was a game back in the day when the Ipad wasn’t around to distract us from using our imaginations. A game called MASH would predict what kind of place you would live in. Mansion, Apartment, Shack, House. Well now it would have to be called MASHBF.
10. Last, but certainly least, included in each Blanket Fort is a GUI, or Grown Up Inhibitor. This prevents anyone who enters your Blanket Fort to act anything like an adult. Because there are way to many of them around.
Like I said, when I dream, I dream big. I predict in just a few years my dreams will be about the oversized Blanket Forts instead of mansions. Because there is nothing better than a BF.
Bitter Blanket Fort Ben