Explosively Bitter Giftures

Some people think the Fourth of July (or Independence Day as some people call it) is all about independence or picnic baskets with egg salad and red, white and blue Cheetos, but they are wrong because that is an opinion and only my opinion is right.  So I know you are on pins and needles, waiting to find out what it is all about.  Well, wait no longer. It is about fireworks.  And do you know why fireworks are the reason for the season? Nope, not for the pretty colors, or the fancy shapes the expensive ones make in the sky, but the explosions. Explosions are the only reason why any movie is good and the only reason cars are made.  Sure cars have the obligation to drive their human people around for a time, but that is just their career. Their real dream is to be a car in a movie or other kind of situation where it gets to combine all these dangerous chemicals together and explode in blaze of fire work heaven.  So, who (besides cars), is ready for some explosive giftures?

 

Set the timer for 45 minutes…

...and watch the explosion magic.

…and watch the explosion magic.

 

With a little slight of hand…

...and make some history.

…you can make(I mean be)  history.

 

Do an epic stunt…

...and your instagram will blow up.

…and watch your instagram blow up.

 

What happens when you mix Mentos…

What happens when you mix Mentos..

….and Diet Coke? Magic explosions bro.

 

You better make sure you aren’t behind me..

lkjkl

…if Beiber ever accidentally gets on my Ipod.  Say goodbye to Antarctica.

 

Things are getting hot in herr..

slfkjdsf

…sword of.

 

Hey look! It’s the Loch Ness Monster…

...uhhhhh

…uhhhhh…nope never mind that wasn’t him.

 

When lighting off those fireworks, don’t mess…

adds

…with the Mighty Morphin Park Rangers. 

 

This one looks like a really fun and exciting way to blow something up…

 

...but this is a pretty tired explosion.

…but this is a pretty tired explosion.

 

Who is tougher?

sfdf

An NFL Defensive line?

 

or…

Or and NHL Face Off?

Or an NHL Face Off?

 

The winner?

chucksplosion

Chuck.

 

Have an explosive 4th.  May your phone blow up with calls, may your party favors backfire, may your fireworks be duds.

ARRRRGGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Blown up Ben

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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57 thoughts on “Explosively Bitter Giftures

  1. I blew a sparkler up in the palm of my hand a few years back – The fourth of July has never been the same. Safety Tip: Regardless how much trouble you are having lighting a sparkler…DO NOT hold in upside down while lighting it.

    I wish my car would blow up. For real.

    …(Unoccupied of course…)

    …………(Unless I could choose like…ANYONE……….)

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    • We had a car that we kept hoping would get stolen too. Or totaled. Then we would have been able to get our dream car. You know a totally awesome car that has manual locks and windows and that had totally bald tires and only 150,000 miles so we could be in the car repair station all the time.

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  2. Just curious… were you born bitter or did someone or something make you bitter? I can’t say I don’t enjoy your posts. In fact, I love them. But I truly hope you aren’t always bitter. Everyone deserves some sort of happiness in their lives… SO for today, I wish you LOTS of explosions (a safe distance away), Red and Blue cupcakes that stain your face around your mouth, and a smile, knowing that even though you seem a tad angry, there are quite a few of us you make do the same. Happy 4th. No matter what your definition. 🙂

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  3. It’s F’ing raining due to an F’ing hurricane. I’m stuck in the house with my F’ing kids who think we can magically go to the state fair and the fireworks anyhow. I’m feeling bitter, Ben.

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  4. Ya know… Because of the three day weekend I kept thinking yesterday was Friday, which made me keep looking for your Friday Giftures post. Don’t you hate when that happens?
    Have a bitter 4th.

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    • I thought about doing Thursday Giftures to appease the one or two that read it, but then I thought that it would have thrown me off. If it makes you feel any better, I wrote it all up on Thursday, then released it on Friday.

      Like

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