The Bitter Sun

The only way to see the sun some days is to be Superman.

The only way to see the sun some days is with your heat vision.

 

 

It’s something like 92 million miles away and it gives Superman his Super Abilities with almost no weaknesses, but the Sun can be kind of a jerk sometimes.  On the recent road trip I went on, I talked about my disdain for the heavy repeat of songs, Disney in any form and the stupid titles and lyrics that were written by turtles that don’t know how to write, but I didn’t mention how the sun treated us like kids 5-13 treat a cassette player(you’ve seen the YouTube Video.  If not, I’ll link it here for your disdain.)

So full of itself.

So full of itself.

The Sun is  self centered and full of itself.  Have you seen this thing? (I haven’t, because every time I try to look it directly in the eyes, it burns my eyes out!) Well, it sits there on it’s mighty throne and makes all the 9 planets revolve around it.  It’s pretty cocky thinking that we should always do its bidding.  All it has ever done for us is sustain life and not burnt us to a crisp.  But what about all the other planets.  Too hot on some, not hot enough on others.  I’ve always been kind of a homer when it comes to the earth, but how do you think that makes Saturn feel?  It’s got some cool rings it would like to show off to us humans, but it can’t because the sun isn’t cool enough (it guess it’s kind of hot), to share some of the wealth with the other planets.

 

For as mighty as the sun is, claiming it superiority over light bulbs, energy crystals, and central heating when it comes to light and heat, it sure is kind a wimp when it comes to clouds.  If the sun is so powerful, why does it always hide? If it is really in charge of heating the whole planet, how come it does it so much for the equator, but so little for the Pole and the Dakotas?  What did they ever do to the sun that it shuns them so much?

How about a little golden brown?

Burn, my little marshmallows!

And when it comes to toasting marshmallows (I mean people) the sun gets as overeager as a first time camper.  I keep telling it just to toast me a little, then turn me counter clockwise.  But for some reason the sun either burns me like the fires of Hades, or keeps me as white as the snow it keeps not melting.   All I want is to be golden brown for once.  Is that such a hard thing to ask?

I got time.  The sun is pretty slow.

I got time. The sun is pretty slow.

Speaking of snow, why is the sun so slooowww?  We named the summer and winter after the sun(solstices) and yet, when it comes to doleing out the proper amount of heat and light, the sun seems a litttle slow when it comes to coming out in the winter and a littttle to comfortable hanging back in the winter.  When it comes to drying things, the sun just takes its time.  Have you seen how long it takes to make sun dried tomatoes?

 

So deliciously gross..

If they are really sun flavored they would taste like gas and burning.

Speaking of sun-dried tomatoes, the sun isn’t a great cook either.  Have you tried some of foods the sun is making?  Sunchips? Barf in a bag.  Doritos, Cheetos, even Fritos are better than this “healthy snack”.   And they were probably made in a few hours.  The Sun started making Sun Chips in the beginning and it took until 1991 for them to finally be finished.  I’ve lived, died, and come back 40 or 50 times in less time.  And have you tried Capri Sun? Not exactly the tastiest drink and could the sun be a little more generous with the amount of drink we get? Good gracious, that isn’t a drink, it’s a starter sip for me.

The worst of all is the sun on my road trip.  It toys with the emotions.  And when I mean emotions, I mean the heat and light inside the car.  In the morning it doesn’t want to come out so we had to turn on the heater, then it comes out, allowing for us to feel comfortable for a few minutes, and then BAM it is noon!  Air conditioning is too expensive, putting your windows down brings in too much of our bitter enemy, The Wind and so we sit in our car and suffer the sun’s overwhelming heat.  And when you heading west, it is a big race to see how long you can beat the sun.  Just when you think it is great and you are almost home, the sun comes out to play and put its big huge “smiling face” right in your precious eyes that you need for, you know, not driving off the road.

So pretty much, the sun makes us need it just enough to want it around, but is a jerk enough that we can’t stand having it around.  Pretty much like every jerk you’ve ever known.

ARRRRGGGGHHHH

Bitter HOT SUN Ben

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31 thoughts on “The Bitter Sun

  1. Pingback: In case you missed it…because you needed more things to add to your busy life | Ben's Bitter Blog

  2. Ben, I know you will hate hearing this, which will make you more bitter, which is a good thing, which will then make you even more bitter, but this is your BRIGHTEST, most BRILLIANT post ever (see what i did there ?).

    And the first time I tasted Sun Chips, I thought they were the most amazingly delicious treats ever. Yum!

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  3. Lol at ‘sunchips’. You may not pick on the sun so much if you hardly saw come round like us here in Toronto, anxiously awaiting some, so please send it my way. 🙂

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  4. Sun Chips are really made of moldy cardboard boxes. Sun chips are evil. But that is for another post- you might want to consider that…or maybe one on moldy carboard boxes. they have similar personalities.

    Personally, my fine irish skin loathes too much sun. I enjoy lashing rain and a constant mist. Nothing better than watching sweater-hugging women walking out from a mist. I hate listening to whiny women who incessantly talk about beach-bathing in the sun their entire lives while torturing us to move our entire existences to financially-toxic sea resorts just so they can tan themselves into oblivion….kinda like a dried up rotissere chicken. uggggghhhh.

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  5. Well said, my bitter friend! We have all felt the scorch of a fried forearm. Couple that with bad music, and you’re looking at a punchy lot…

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  6. And P.S. skin cancer. And wrinkles. And sunburn. And spoiled groceries in the trunk of my car. And dead yellow grass. And drought. And fires. Thanks, sun. Total eclipse of my butt.

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