It’s something like 92 million miles away and it gives Superman his Super Abilities with almost no weaknesses, but the Sun can be kind of a jerk sometimes. On the recent road trip I went on, I talked about my disdain for the heavy repeat of songs, Disney in any form and the stupid titles and lyrics that were written by turtles that don’t know how to write, but I didn’t mention how the sun treated us like kids 5-13 treat a cassette player(you’ve seen the YouTube Video. If not, I’ll link it here for your disdain.)
The Sun is self centered and full of itself. Have you seen this thing? (I haven’t, because every time I try to look it directly in the eyes, it burns my eyes out!) Well, it sits there on it’s mighty throne and makes all the 9 planets revolve around it. It’s pretty cocky thinking that we should always do its bidding. All it has ever done for us is sustain life and not burnt us to a crisp. But what about all the other planets. Too hot on some, not hot enough on others. I’ve always been kind of a homer when it comes to the earth, but how do you think that makes Saturn feel? It’s got some cool rings it would like to show off to us humans, but it can’t because the sun isn’t cool enough (it guess it’s kind of hot), to share some of the wealth with the other planets.
For as mighty as the sun is, claiming it superiority over light bulbs, energy crystals, and central heating when it comes to light and heat, it sure is kind a wimp when it comes to clouds. If the sun is so powerful, why does it always hide? If it is really in charge of heating the whole planet, how come it does it so much for the equator, but so little for the Pole and the Dakotas? What did they ever do to the sun that it shuns them so much?
And when it comes to toasting marshmallows (I mean people) the sun gets as overeager as a first time camper. I keep telling it just to toast me a little, then turn me counter clockwise. But for some reason the sun either burns me like the fires of Hades, or keeps me as white as the snow it keeps not melting. All I want is to be golden brown for once. Is that such a hard thing to ask?
Speaking of snow, why is the sun so slooowww? We named the summer and winter after the sun(solstices) and yet, when it comes to doleing out the proper amount of heat and light, the sun seems a litttle slow when it comes to coming out in the winter and a littttle to comfortable hanging back in the winter. When it comes to drying things, the sun just takes its time. Have you seen how long it takes to make sun dried tomatoes?
Speaking of sun-dried tomatoes, the sun isn’t a great cook either. Have you tried some of foods the sun is making? Sunchips? Barf in a bag. Doritos, Cheetos, even Fritos are better than this “healthy snack”. And they were probably made in a few hours. The Sun started making Sun Chips in the beginning and it took until 1991 for them to finally be finished. I’ve lived, died, and come back 40 or 50 times in less time. And have you tried Capri Sun? Not exactly the tastiest drink and could the sun be a little more generous with the amount of drink we get? Good gracious, that isn’t a drink, it’s a starter sip for me.
The worst of all is the sun on my road trip. It toys with the emotions. And when I mean emotions, I mean the heat and light inside the car. In the morning it doesn’t want to come out so we had to turn on the heater, then it comes out, allowing for us to feel comfortable for a few minutes, and then BAM it is noon! Air conditioning is too expensive, putting your windows down brings in too much of our bitter enemy, The Wind and so we sit in our car and suffer the sun’s overwhelming heat. And when you heading west, it is a big race to see how long you can beat the sun. Just when you think it is great and you are almost home, the sun comes out to play and put its big huge “smiling face” right in your precious eyes that you need for, you know, not driving off the road.
So pretty much, the sun makes us need it just enough to want it around, but is a jerk enough that we can’t stand having it around. Pretty much like every jerk you’ve ever known.
Bitter HOT SUN Ben