I am a liar. Every. Single. Day. Every day, someone asks me how I’m doing and I almost always reply, “Good.” or “Fine.” when I should always be saying, “Bitter. How bouch you?” to which they will probably reply, “Good.” or “Fine.” which is an even a bigger lie or “Can’t complain.” What do you mean you can’t complain? There is always something to complain about. If you can’t find something, then feel free to read from more than 300 posts on this very blog. Regardless, there are actual professions that require lying as part of the job, most well known being lawyer (prounounced liar), customer service (I’ll be right with you, sir….) and advertising. I once had ambitions to be an advertising copywriter, but for some reason they required applicants to have samples and actual talent. Well, I’m going to show all them, by taking their stupid slogans and writing bitter slogans in their place.
Nike: “Just..don’t do it.”
Discover: “It pays Discover when you use Discover.”
Subway: “Eat ‘day old ingredients on moldy 8 inch long bread that is supposed to be a foot long that isn’t’ fresh.”
McDonald’s: “I’m lovin it…the heartburn I’m getting right now.”
Skittles: “Taste the rainbow colored bitterness.”
Adidas: “Impossible is everything. Uhhh.”
Alka Seltzer: “Plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh what I wouldn’t pay for a bathroom right now.”
All State: “You’re in Goober Hands with All State.”
Citibank: “The city never sleeps because it apparently has an infant.”
Fedex: “When it absolutely, positively, has to be there late.”
Gillette: “The best a man can get cut.”
Kit Kat: “Give me a break, Give me a break, give me a break from these co-workers.”
Lays” “Betcha can’t get just one hand greasy with these chips.”
M&M’s : “Melts in your hands, not in your mouth.”
MasterCard: “There’s some things money can’t buy. For everything else there’s cash.”
Sure: “Raise your hand if you’re Sure you are mental.”
United Airlines: “Fly the angry skies, with bitter clouds.”
Samsung: “The next big thing is already outdated.”
Volkswagen: “Drivers Most Wanted.”
AT&T: “Reach out and punch someone.”
Wheaties: “Breakfast of Chumpions.”
These can’t the only bitter slogans out there. So what Bitter Slogans can you come up with?
Arrrrggghhhhh
Bitter Adman Ben
I showed this to my girlfriend last night and it made sense
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I looked at it last night and it made no sense to me.
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Subway: The smell of our entire establishment should tell you everything you need to know about the taste and quality of our sandwiches.
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If they had a Subway in hell, even the inhabitants would turn away from the shiz even if it were the only thing to eat.
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Viagra: “When your just not ready”
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Now that would actually work much better than what they use now.
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Uh-oh Bitter Ben…just saw something in your first paragraph that is a lit match to my short fuse on certain ways of expressing oneself in print. As I am such a new account holder here (trying to think of something besides “blogger” for some weird reason…like if you say a word over and over it starts sounding funny?? If I think I’m a “blogger” much more it will think-sound blogggggger funny), maybe I’m a little “skeered” (how people might think we actually pronounce “scared” in Georgia…not so) that you might decimate me in print if I post my diatribe/rant now, and I might have the vapors (not) if you did so in my nascent state of bloggery. 🙂
Enjoying your bitterness!!
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Feel free to rant here. I skewer everyone the same.
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You are too kind. 🙂
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Actually, I’m not kind. I’m bitter. Ask my frenemies.
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Aww cut yourself some slack. Embrace your inner softie. I mean look at me, I’m “Mrs. Hate”, and I’m just a cream puff LOL
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I’m only nice on April Fool’s day and only as a joke.
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It’s a service I offer for free but not for long. Get in early!
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These were great! My favorite was Citibank. LOL big time! And of course I love the bitter clouds one. Here’s my contribution.
MOTEL 6: “My name is Tom Bodett and we’ll leave the light on for you . . . and it will be reflected in an extra surcharge when you check out.”
Kodak: “Share Moments. Share Life. Share photos of your neighbor cheating on his wife.”
Yellow Pages: “Let your fingers do the walking….or try the White Pages and let your car do the stalking!”
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I’m thinking the one about stalking would work the best especially because I was quite good at stalking when I was in high school..and now.
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How about, “You are in good “man hands” with Allstate?” The picture of the skittles girl made me queasy. Our destiny lies with the stars. (No, silly, not with the stars we see in the sky, but the stars we see when we get punched in the puss.) For our ally is the force. What is this mythical force that causes the universe to become a place or inexorable horror and decay, this entropy, this malaise, this dark, devious design upon our tuchases? It is the same force, perhaps, that causes a young man’s fancy in spring to turn to the Playstation 4. And well they should. Why do something unhealthy like going out on dates when you can sit home and fantasize about virtual honey? When we get swellavision in our pants, with the virtual heroines out there, WHAT will we do? We will lose the incentive to put on perfume and privately procreate. Or we could just get up and have a cup of Joseph. Our wind our watches.
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You have such a way with bitter words. I’m not sure this would fit in a 30 second or even 3 minute commercial, so yes, this would work.
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V-8: I could’ve had a V-8 run over you and kill you.
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I’m thinking I would be pretty bitter if someone ran over me. It’s perfect..ly bitter.
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I wrote a bitter song just for you. Now you write the slogan…I’d like to teach the world to bitch in perfect harmony, crappycola 😉 do you want to hear more? No, ok then you will. Burger King…Shut Up and Eat it Our Way!
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Wow, you made a bitter song just for me? Now, I’m fatter..uh I mean flattered. When I start my bitter ad agency I will think about hiring you. That is if you are available. And that song can be sung off key.
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Awesome! I’ll be waiting impatiently
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I would think you would be waiting bitterly.
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Yeah. That too
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That’s more like it.
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love it
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I’m not sure why no one has hired me to work in an ad agency yet.
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thanks bittern- bring it! truth in advertising
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That’s the only time I tell the truth
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You could choose Geico or pay moron car insurance.
Be bitter about the fact that no one wants to hear us complain. Hey! That’s it! The next time someone asks, “How are you?’ I’ll answer “You don’t want to know” and keep walking. 🙂
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I don’t know why I didn’t think of the Geico one before. Brilliant.
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Hilarious. Sarcasm at its best.
Cheers!!
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Sarcasm is my favorite thing to do, especially when other people don’t understand that I am using it.
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High 5 on that! Mine too. I often find people discombobulated while I stride on my sarcasm horse.
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My favorite kind of person to be sarcastic with are people that think they have a sense of humor but don’t. Or people with no sarcasm detectors.
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Oh, and I love that you’re a liar too…
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You like that huh? Like you didn’t know that.
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OMFG, these are hilarious! # 8, 9, 16, 21 😀 Um, how about this: Apple’s Think Different: Think Differently… you goddamned morons, use your friggin’ adverbs, you’re teaching kids! Wait, that sounds angry, not funny, huh?
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I’m pretty sure when they do their advertisements they are probably not thinking of adverb’s but the billions of dollars they are making.
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Good point. Bastards.
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In order to get them to pay attention more, we need to allow them to relieve them of some of their money. You use the tongue to distract them and I will bitter them into giving it to us to split 99/1.
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DiGiorno’s: It’s not delivery, it’s frozen
KFC: Finger Lickin Gross
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DiGiorno’s made Frozen? My daughter would be so glad to hear that. So does Elsa make the pizza?
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Funny, because I found my comment so hilarious I had to tell my family which led to an entire weekend of what would happen if Elsa delivered pizza.
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Now that is a good weekend. I spent my weekend being bitter about being at work.
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I can’t think of a single slogan and I am very bitter about it. 😦 I loved the :Samsung: “The next big thing is already outdated.” Which made me laugh out loud and gave me stitch in my side which I am complaining bitterly about.
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Well having a stitch to complain about, is just as good.
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True. 😉
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I speak the bitter truth.
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