Bitter Advertising Slogans

When applying for jobs, make sure you do this.

How liars dance.

 

 

 

I am a liar.  Every. Single. Day.  Every day, someone asks me how I’m doing and I almost always reply, “Good.” or “Fine.” when I should always be saying, “Bitter.  How bouch you?” to which they will probably reply, “Good.” or “Fine.” which is an even a bigger lie or “Can’t complain.” What do you mean you can’t complain? There is always something to complain about.  If you can’t find something, then feel free to read from more than 300 posts on this very blog. Regardless, there are actual professions that require lying as part of the job, most well known being lawyer (prounounced liar), customer service (I’ll be right with you, sir….) and advertising.  I once had ambitions to be an advertising copywriter, but for some reason they required applicants to have samples and actual talent.  Well, I’m going to show all them, by taking their stupid slogans and writing bitter slogans in their place.

 

Nike: “Just..don’t do it.”

 

Just leave me alone.

Just leave me alone.

Discover: “It pays Discover when you use Discover.”

Subway: “Eat ‘day old ingredients on moldy 8 inch long bread that is supposed to be a foot long that isn’t’ fresh.”

McDonald’s: “I’m lovin it…the heartburn I’m getting right now.”

Skittles: “Taste the rainbow colored bitterness.”

Unicorn eyebrows.

Unicorn eyebrows.

Adidas: “Impossible is everything. Uhhh.”

Alka Seltzer: “Plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh what I wouldn’t pay for a bathroom right now.”

All State: “You’re in Goober Hands with All State.”

Citibank:  “The city never sleeps because it apparently has an infant.”

Delivery Fight!

Delivery Fight!

 

Fedex: “When it absolutely, positively, has to be there late.”

Gillette: “The best a man can get cut.”

Kit Kat: “Give me a break, Give me a break, give me a break from these co-workers.”

Lays” “Betcha can’t get just one hand greasy with these chips.”

M&M’s : “Melts in your hands, not in your mouth.”

MasterCard: “There’s some things money can’t buy.  For everything else there’s cash.”

Sure: “Raise your hand if you’re Sure you are mental.”

 

It's gettting really clouded up here in the angry skies.

It’s getting really clouded up here in the angry skies.

United Airlines: “Fly the angry skies, with bitter clouds.”

Samsung: “The next big thing is already outdated.”

Volkswagen: “Drivers Most Wanted.”

AT&T: “Reach out and punch someone.”

Wheaties: “Breakfast of Chumpions.”

 

These can’t the only bitter slogans out there.  So what Bitter Slogans can you come up with?

Arrrrggghhhhh

Bitter Adman Ben

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50 thoughts on “Bitter Advertising Slogans

  1. Pingback: In case you missed it…because you were busy ignoring the opening of baseball season | Ben's Bitter Blog

  2. Uh-oh Bitter Ben…just saw something in your first paragraph that is a lit match to my short fuse on certain ways of expressing oneself in print. As I am such a new account holder here (trying to think of something besides “blogger” for some weird reason…like if you say a word over and over it starts sounding funny?? If I think I’m a “blogger” much more it will think-sound blogggggger funny), maybe I’m a little “skeered” (how people might think we actually pronounce “scared” in Georgia…not so) that you might decimate me in print if I post my diatribe/rant now, and I might have the vapors (not) if you did so in my nascent state of bloggery. 🙂
    Enjoying your bitterness!!

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  3. These were great! My favorite was Citibank. LOL big time! And of course I love the bitter clouds one. Here’s my contribution.

    MOTEL 6: “My name is Tom Bodett and we’ll leave the light on for you . . . and it will be reflected in an extra surcharge when you check out.”

    Kodak: “Share Moments. Share Life. Share photos of your neighbor cheating on his wife.”

    Yellow Pages: “Let your fingers do the walking….or try the White Pages and let your car do the stalking!”

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  4. How about, “You are in good “man hands” with Allstate?” The picture of the skittles girl made me queasy. Our destiny lies with the stars. (No, silly, not with the stars we see in the sky, but the stars we see when we get punched in the puss.) For our ally is the force. What is this mythical force that causes the universe to become a place or inexorable horror and decay, this entropy, this malaise, this dark, devious design upon our tuchases? It is the same force, perhaps, that causes a young man’s fancy in spring to turn to the Playstation 4. And well they should. Why do something unhealthy like going out on dates when you can sit home and fantasize about virtual honey? When we get swellavision in our pants, with the virtual heroines out there, WHAT will we do? We will lose the incentive to put on perfume and privately procreate. Or we could just get up and have a cup of Joseph. Our wind our watches.

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  5. I wrote a bitter song just for you. Now you write the slogan…I’d like to teach the world to bitch in perfect harmony, crappycola 😉 do you want to hear more? No, ok then you will. Burger King…Shut Up and Eat it Our Way!

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  6. You could choose Geico or pay moron car insurance.

    Be bitter about the fact that no one wants to hear us complain. Hey! That’s it! The next time someone asks, “How are you?’ I’ll answer “You don’t want to know” and keep walking. 🙂

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  7. OMFG, these are hilarious! # 8, 9, 16, 21 😀 Um, how about this: Apple’s Think Different: Think Differently… you goddamned morons, use your friggin’ adverbs, you’re teaching kids! Wait, that sounds angry, not funny, huh?

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  8. I can’t think of a single slogan and I am very bitter about it. 😦 I loved the :Samsung: “The next big thing is already outdated.” Which made me laugh out loud and gave me stitch in my side which I am complaining bitterly about.

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