BREAKING NEWS. This is Bitter Ben from Bitter Entertainment Network reporting to you live, recorded from my seat at the library where I do my live recorded newsfeed each and every 6 months or so. I’m here today to report to you about a hidden danger that lives among us. Every day these bitter balls of gas and hate mock us and stalk us, moving at the subtle speed of tornadoes, causing mayhem and havoc in their wake, then leave swiftly, as if nothing ever happened. Day after day they haunt us and taunt us and leave us battered and tattered until we are more afraid of them, than we are of Jason at Crystal Lake on Friday the 13th. Yet somehow we keep going back outside, knowing that we will again be subject to their abuse once again. They go by many names, Fog, Cumulonimbus, Cirrus or more commonly Clouds.
NEWS FLASH – Clouds are jerks. They seem to be innocuous and innocent, but let’s look at the facts.
Clouds block the sun. In Seattle, they are always there, teasing and taunting us. “Hey down there, Bitter Ben, you know that life giving sun up in sky? You know the one that you need to stay warm in the summer? The one that would warm you for free, so you didn’t have to heat your house? Yeah, we are going to sun block you.” If it wasn’t for these cruel water pigs, we could see what the sun looked like. And if you think clouds don’t watch and stalk you to see what you are doing, have a busy day at work. The clouds will subtly allow sunlight to peak through it all of sudden skinny frame. Then, just as you are about to leave for lunch, the clouds will block the sun, turn dark, and start crying…all over you. They will even try to get the wind to destroy you.
You might try another trick to see the utter cruelty you will have to endure from these moody shape shifters. Book a vacation to a tropical island. Preferably one that boasts in their advertisements of “358 days of sun a year”. Go to said location, packing with with you some clothes, suntan lotion and hope and see all three be destroyed by the first day. Ask anyone from the Southeast or South of the United States who are used to warm winters, and they will vouch for how much the clouds screwed up their winter.
The cruelty doesn’t end there. Often during a nice summer day, people will sit on the grass and stare up at the clouds and pretend they see shapes(the only place this really happens is in romantic comedies). A girl might see a shape, and try to convince her boyfriend of what she is seeing. The cloud will quickly change shape and move really fast across the sky. The boyfriend will look at the cloud, pretend to agree with her, and they will share a laugh. In his head, the boyfriend will question what the crap the girl was saying, the girl will feel unconvinced with his answer, and they will fight and breakup. Thanks to those jerks, the metamorphasizing dirt collectors.
There is an epidemic in our mists.
Clouds are moodier than a teenager with raging hormones. One moment they are white and puffy and the M.C. to the “Star of the Sky” The Sun and are just there to support the sun and push its positivie message of heat and light, and the next moment, they turn dark and angry and pushy and they block the sun to promote their “I’m miserable and you all will be miserable” message, and make the cold and wind and most importantly themselves the star. Then they get bitter and jealous that no one likes them and everyone loves the sun, so they do it all even more just to get revenge.
But wait—There’s more. Clouds are out to take the heads of the most creative and best thinkers of our time. The imaginers, the thinkers, the ideas makers, the artists, the visionaries, the T-shirt designers. The clouds just can’t take the fact that someone might have an idea, so they do their best to take the heads of all these “potential geniuses”. You know the expression, “That person’s head is in the clouds”? It’s true. They hunt the biggest and brightest so no one questions the fact that they are trying to dominate the sky.
In fact, here is a cartoon looking sketch of one of the people they have taken. Don’t let them take over!! Oh no! It’s too late…A cloud is stalking me right now! I have to get this published before it is too late!
They may take my life, but they will never take my BITTTERNEESSSSS! (Reporting to you almost dead from my desk.)
Bitter Cloudy Headed Ben