In case you forgot, yesterday was St. Patrick’s day (and I think you know why some people forget St. Patrick’s Day…). I think most people are foggy about the reason why we celebrate it, but I’m more foggy on why we don’t get the day off. I may not be Irish, but I do like gold, making fun of leprechauns and my kids eat Lucky Charms. If that isn’t reason enough for the day off, I don’t know what is. Besides, if it wasn’t for Patrick, then Sponge Bob wouldn’t have someone to look up to as far as how to be lazy, completely oblivious, and how to fall bass ackwards into good luck more than anyone since Cosmo Kramer. No wonder Patrick was Sainted and now we know why the Irish are known as lucky.
If I am missing something, feel free to correct me in comments, but I’m pretty sure I covered everything. But that isn’t why I’m here. I am here to Bitterize quotes. If you’ve been with the Bitter Blog for a while you may remember back in August when I did Part 1. If you weren’t here for the first go around, you didn’t miss much. Basically, I hate quotes, and they make me bitter. Especially ones that are “uplifting” and “inspirational”. You know what I’m talking about. You have at least 3 Facebook friends that use these things to make you feel ill everyday. So I try to take these quotes and make them more manageably bitter for everyone. Hey, it’s what I do. (FYI, when you are at a loss as to what to write about, just remember that making fun of other people is always the best backup plan. Especially people that think that they are so darn smart.)
Okay this one is a little too easy, so we will start with this one. Bitterized: “Let your past, present and future make you bitter, not better.” – Bitter Ben
A little harder, but not much. Bitterized: “If you’re going to be a weirdo, could you be confident and weird somewhere else? You’re kind of freaking me out and stuff.” – Bitter Ben
This is a way positive one. Let’s go ahead not let it stay that way. Bitterized: “To all the people that inspire you: Wisely send them down the drain.” – Bitter Ben
I have a lot of experience with this one. And by experience, I mean not at all. Bitterized: “The lower on the totem pole you are, the harder you will work.” or a bonus, “The harder you work, the faster you will work towards dying.” or “The lazier you are, the more sleep on the couch you will get.” – Bitter Ben See how bitter you can make these?
Presidential quotes? Yeah we do those too. Bitterized: “False. The thief of Joy is Dwight Schrute.” or “The thief of Joy is prison.” or “The thief of joy is not be able to play video games because you have to work all the time.”
Bitterized: “If time is killing you, how could you be alive to write this quote?” or “If time is killing me, why isn’t it going to jail, or ate least going on trial for a wrongful death suit?” (Oh and by the way, ever heard of a computer? They come out much better than a typewriter.)
Bitterized: “I did change my destination overnight once. On a long road trip. I stayed in a Holiday Inn Express and got smarter instantaneously too, by the way.” – Bitter Ben, Holiday Inn endorser
Bitterized: “Actually success comes from winning the freaking lottery, so you don’t have to worry about dreams or excuses, or what the heck success means.” – Bitter Ben
Bitterized: “Oh crap, what did I start this post for?” – Bitter Ben
So my bitter frenemies, what quotes do you hate the most, or make you the most bitter? Leave your least favorite and bitterize in the comments below. Or you can leave it to the Bitter Master and let me bitterize it. But that will cost you. Like lottery cost you.
Bitter IZED Ben