Bitter Insurance Commercials

It was nice to know you money!!

It was nice to know you money!!

Every day, as I am driving, I roll down my window, pull out my wallet and let the money fly right out.  Not literally, of course, are you crazy?(I only do that on special occasions.) Every six months I pay someone several hundred dollars to “give me piece of mind” for the off chance that I may accidently have an accident in my car.  I pay someone else several thousand more just so that if someone is stupid enough to break into my house and steal something of mine (I hope they steal all the Legos after stepping on all of them).  I also pay about 20 dollars a month so if I die someone else can get some money.  Whaaaatttt? So in that case I am paying money that I know for a fact, I will never see(unless I am a ghost).  I’m pretty sure I will become a ghost, just to haunt the people that build a pool with that money.

Insurance is so much of a scam that I would start an insurance of my own if I wasn’t so lazy.  The worst part of it is, that insurance companies are so rich, that all they do with their money is spend it on stupid commercials.  So much so that I think Geico and Progressive is just one big vault of money.  If you haven’t seen any of these commercials, you haven’t watched TV in the last 5 years.

I'm here to waste your money.  How Progressive!

I’m here to help you waste your money. How Progressive!

My bitter thoughts on a few of their commercials:

Progressive insurance:

Spokesperson: A freaky chick named Flo.  A former stand up comedianne with bright red lipstick that has the rare inability to tell a funny joke.  Yet she is on my TV even when it is off. Freeeakky. If they made a movie about her, she would be scarier than Freddie Krueger or Jason.

Recent commercials of theirs that make me bitter: A woman comes in to Flo’s insurance grocery store asking for her.  Tells Flo that since her husband was given the name your price tool, he has gotten so arrogant he is starting to want to juggle chainsaws.

My bitter thought: I assume Progressive is going to cover his new cybernetic arms when this guy attempts to juggle the chainsaws.

Another one: Flo is in a dark alley peer pressuring some dude to use a snapshot tool.

My thoughts: Yes,I want my insurance to be my scary drug dealer.

Progressive has so much money, even their boxes are rich.

Progressive has so much money, even their boxes are rich.

A talking box: And talking progressive insurance box that says it can save you money.  Opening line: “Hey it’s me. Progressive Insurance.  You know from our 4000 television commercials.”

My bitter thought: I get the talking box.  They need a break from Flo.  But when even you admit that you are a little overexposed, you are overexposed.


Spokesperson: A talking Gecko with an Australian accent and a talking pig.

When pigs fly!  Get it?  Cause it is funny.

When pigs fly! Get it? Cause it is funny.

A recent one: A pig on a plane using his phone to check his insurance rate.  Flight attendants tell him to put it away.  He tells them about the app.  They say, “Yeah, when pigs fly.” He turns to another dude on the plane and says, “Seriously?”

My bitter thought:  Why are we doing commercials with talking pigs? Just to set up the when pigs fly joke? I wouldn’t have even thought that was funny at 2 years old.  And I laughed at everything back then. What does that have to do with insurance…at all?

Yes, a woman following a guy on a boat with lots of money.  That's not a stereotype at all.

Yes, a woman following an ugly guy on a boat with lots of money. That’s not a stereotype at all.

Another recent one: A guy that has money all over his body.  Walks into a restaurant, attractive waitress looks at him, quits her job, leaves with money guy on motorcycle.

My bitter thought: Uh, what?  Is this saying that women are attracted to money? Wow.  I just…

These are just a sampling of how much money is being spent by just two insurance companies on commercials.  I’m guessing that inspiration for the money guy, just comes from what all the executives actually look like at these insurance companies.

Well, I gotta go, because my insurance payments are due.  How else will the insurance company pay for these bad commericials?

So bitter, Arrrggghhh

Bitter Money Pit Ben

66 thoughts on “Bitter Insurance Commercials

  1. Pingback: Bitter 5K | Ben's Bitter Blog

  2. I just thought you’d like to know that A: your new header that takes up half my screen makes me so angry I ate a walrus. and 2: When I die I will totally come back if they give a Christmas Ham to my widow. Mmmm HAMMMMMMMMMMMM. But then I will come back to life and then they will cancel the Christmas Ham and who’s fucked then man?! WHOS FUCKED THEN!?!?!?

    The End./


    • A: Simple solution, get a bigger screen that makes that not be that way and stop blaming other people. and 2: What? Are you sleepcommenting again? Make sure you are awake next time you make nonsensical statements.


  3. Thank you Bitter Ben for having the courage to say what we all feel, unless of course you have a daughter who works for an insurance company, then your a coward like me.


  4. Flo is the like cell phone commercial dude that would say “Can you hear me now?” Remember him? These are people who wanted to make it into showbusiness, got regular work doing commercials for some giant corporation, and will never work again because no one wants to hire the cell phone dude or Flo to be in their movie.

    They become bitter, unemployed horrible actors.


  5. flo freaks me out to no end. from the first moment i saw her, i was horrified every time her face appeared on screen. she reminds me of someone in a horrible horror film who would smile at you as she is stabbing you with your own windshield wiper.


  6. Laughing so loud right now! The Flo picture caption alone…. and she is every bit as scary as Chucky! She could be, say, across the street while you were outside. Then, in about a nano-second she’d be *right there* behind you. SCARY!

    Your wallet is feeling bitter, along with mine!


  7. I wrestle with my insurance company every couple of years, Ben. When I retired a few years ago, we sold the house and downsized to a smaller one down the road. Somehow we crammed ten rooms worth of tchotchkes into five, and a year later I got the renewal notice for our homeowner’s insurance policy. I couldn’t believe the amount they were saying my house was worth! I couldn’t believe the amount I was paying for that kind of coverage either! I mean, this is a TINY little place in podunk, it’s over a hundred years old, and nothing round can stay in the middle of any room in the house….I called my agent.

    She explained to me that the amount stated was what it would cost to replace the house as it sits. Well, that’s kind of stupid, I said. I wouldn’t WANT a fieldstone boulder cellar built for people under 5’6”, and I can’t imagine any contractor could manage to duplicate all of those leaks! I told her I didn’t see much sense in going with horsehair lathe & plaster walls, either, even if they could find someone who knows how to do it. I built a camp once with nominal dimension lumber, but house carpenters don’t tend to do that anymore, preferring more modern designs and store-bought lumber instead of green hemlock. I do know where they could get a ton of square nails, though. They don’t do the old “balloon frame construction” these days either. I can’t imagine what it would cost to insure a new house built that way, even if it was right next door to the fire department.

    I asked her at one point “You mean if my house burned to the ground, you, cut me a check for $ (lottery type number with lots of zeros)?”

    “Yes sir!”

    “Got a match?”

    Anyway, I harassed the agent until she rewrote the policy for what it would REALLY cost to rebuild the house with shit right out of Lowes and Home Depot.

    Well, it’s been a couple of years now, and I’m back the Land of the Rich and Famous again, at least from the looks of my insurance bill. Guess it’s time to pay her another visit.


    • In my mind insurance has one purpose. To make other people that aren’t me rich. They either don’t want you to ever use it, or you use it then get dropped or your rates raised. Either way you lose, and they win.


  8. Having gone through the whole insurance-thing for the first time myself recently, I’ve come to the conclusion that the more money a company spends on advertising, the worse their insurance is (at least in South Africa and based on comparing quotes and online complaints). I now only use insurers that don’t advertise, preferring my money to be spent on performance bonuses for their CEOs.


  9. I didn’t realize how much I hated them commercials until you pointed it out. This is seriously what these insurance companies spend their limitless pocket money on? Though I will say I enjoy Allstate’s Mayhem commercials. Those are pretty great.


  10. What about Mayhem?! I admit, I love those commercials. I think that’s some of the most clever insurance marketing I’ve ever seen.

    When I turned 23 I got a huge discount: $43 dollars. Which seems significant, but not when you consider how much I pay.


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