Indiana Jones and the quest for the perfect shoe.
A long time ago, after the popularity of my bitter post about socks, I had planned to do the sequel post about shoes. However, my virtual garbage can was empty, with wadded up ideas strewn about, usually missing the virtual target pretty badly. It’s not like I am a bad shot, (I made my high school sophomore basketball team after all),but many of my ideas were just “off the mark”. Then, the other day when I was slaving away avoiding work, I overheard a conversation two females were having about buying shoes. They recounted the whole shopping experience from beginning to end. There was the search, to the size of the shoe, to the sparkle, to the fit, to the size of the heel and finally how expensive it was. If I was from another time period, say, the ancient year of 1984, I would have thought I was overhearing these girls talking about being Indiana Jones in Raiders of the Lost Ark. Except their movie would have been called Girl and the Quest for the Perfect Shoe.
The only way I can explain this type of thing to men is how we recount the last two minutes and three overtimes of a basketball game. Stories are told, emotions fly, awe is on the faces of those that hear the experience recounted. This got me to thinking about a scenario. If there was someone (and that someone would almost assuredly be a man) who invented a shoe that could be used for everything from the beach, to work, to a wedding, to laying on the couch and that once he invented it it would be the only shoe we could wear, would this shoe ever get invented?
Did you see the last two minutes of the game last night? Let me take a half hour to recount it all….
I have a feeling that he would at the same time be metaphorically lifted on the shoulders of men in celebration and on the other hand sacrificed to the God of Shoes by women. In fact, I imagined a battle in a world sized arena, with the population of men vs. women, where the invention of this shoe is in the balance and whoever won would get to choose whether this invention lived or died.
They can take our lives, but they’ll never take our…SHOOOEEESSS!
The rules would be that in the battle the women can only wear their favorite pair of shoes, which I assume (cause you know what that does) would be their at least 4 inch heals, that matched their favorite outfit, while the men would be allowed to wear their most comfortable (and possibly only pair). I predict a slow start for the women as their would be a lot of tripping, and spikes breaking but they would probably win in the end as they would use the spikes on their heals to beat us to a pulp and run us through.
So in conclusion, what makes me so bitter about shoes? Whatever I want, I’m Bitter Ben dang it! But mostly that there is no epic battle in a huge arena to decide whether there is an all purpose shoe.
Arrrghhhh
Bitter Shoe Ben
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Ben's Bitter Blog 
Sometimes talking about the shoes are better than wearing them. ESPECIALLY if you’ve fallen off your platforms before. Not that it ever happened to me ……
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It’s because of those platform/4 inch heels that I always feel like women are taller than me.
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Well … unless they fall off them. Then they just carry them and go barefoot. Again, not that I would know I’m just guessing…
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Not that I would ever wish any women a to fall off their heals, but if they just happened to fall and I accidently recorded it, I wouldn’t want to deprive them of getting laughed at.
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I knew I liked you! 😉
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I think you just like seeing models fail like I do.
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I don’t know. Maybe this is why I’m single.
I have two–no three–pairs of serviceable shoes. Flip Flops for warm weather. Leather boots for cold weather. Sneakers for work, and the sneakers are hanging in the balance because there’s a fair amount of dried blood on the right one. I’m trying to ignore the blood as much as possible by wearing shoe covers at work…but I was wearing shoe covers the night that blood soaked right through the shoe covers, through my sneakers, through my socks and right onto my bare skin.
Really, hospital-grade, surgery-ready shoe covers? Thanks a lot.
I hate shoes.
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Perhaps you should stop committing crimes in your shoes. That usually prevents all the blood getting on them.
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Yes, I bit her and am suffering for it ever since..
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I’m really bit..her too.
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I hate shoes. If I could, I’d go barefoot. I have exactly two pairs of shoes, sneakers and sneakers I wear when I mow the lawn. Also, I love basketball and football. I will never see the appeal of shoe shopping or talking about shoes. (and so concludes my stereotype-smashing comment)
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You are not the only one who stereotype smashed the comments today. I got the smackdown today. That would teach me a lesson if I was good at learnin’.
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Oh, no learning is needed– it’s a stereotype for a reason. most of my female friends ARE addicted to shoes. I’m the odd one out.
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I am the odd one out with my friend. He is cool and I am just bitter.
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I’m pretty bitter about the fact that my teenage daughter has more shoes than I do. And she wears a smaller size, so I can’t borrow them.
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My wife is bitter that our daughter who is only 9 is already wearing the same size as her and thus borrowing her shoes.
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you want a perfect shoe? i’ll show you a perfect shoe… !
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Um gross.
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I once found the perfect pair of shoes, the unicorn of the shoe world if you will. I hesitated at the $400 price tag and have been bitter about it ever since
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I had no idea that unicorns cost so much money.
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This is why people think they are not real
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They are just so expensive that only Kardashians have them…and lots of shoes.
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Funny stuff, Ben! I’m not a shoe-shopper girl. 🙂 Lucky for me! My sister, however, have about 300 pairs of shoes. Not an understatement.
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She would have a hard time deciding which shoe to bring into the arena.
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I think I’m bitter about how women get to buy shoes that cost less than what a man will pay for shoes.
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They make up for it by buying many more. I buy shoes maybe once every two years.
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ah yes, but the opponents would be mesmerized by their heels, be rendered useless, and the women would win an easy battle )
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Like I said, slow start for the ladies, but in the end they would win and shoe varieties would continue unblemished.
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Wait a second, 1984 was an actual year? I thought that was just a book.
I don’t wear heels very often. Falling down in public or breaking my ankle doesn’t appeal to me.
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As your boyfriend can tell you, there wasn’t even color before 1990. It was invented when you were born. Also the internet didn’t exist then either, but women falling with heels goes back to the dinosaurs.
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What about some “feet” shoes like the ones the actors playing hobbits had to where in “Lord of the Rings”? Then you can really look like you’re sticking it to the chicks, but secretly you are wearing feet to protect your feet. Plus they’re ugly which as a woman totally offends me.
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As long as they are ugly and smell really bad, I’m on board.
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They are definitely ugly…thankfully I know nothing of the smell…
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You don’t want to smell it. It is pretty bad.
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Someone, somewhere has found the secret to getting women to stop talking about shoes. We need to find that person.
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I believe someone suggested the spray on shoes that happened in the Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. Universal and permanent.
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Luckily for my husband’s bank account, I do not share the shoe issue of those women. Shoes are meant to walk on the ground and get messy. Now if they were having a purse conversation…..
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I can’t see myself doing a post on purses. Maybe another person can do a bitter blog about them.
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You can’t be bitter about purses…they are lovely!
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I can be. There are too many. The end.
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Have you ever seen the movie Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs? The main character, Flint, created Spray-On Shoes, which could be used for every purpose, just as you said. Unfortunately, he could never get them off either…but anyway. I enjoyed your visual of the battle that would ensure if said shoes were ever invented. And I don’t think there would be as much tripping as you think. I mean, female superheros fight in unrealistic heels (and impractical clothing) all the time, and they do just fine.
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I have seen CWACOM, because I have kids. They are actually looking forward to the sequel soon. Those spray on shoe are pretty awesome and probably along the lines of what I am talking about. So poor Flint would be right in the middle of that epic battle. He might be a little bitter about that.
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I literally laughed for five minutes at least when I saw the preview for the sequel. That movie is just outrageous. Haha Flint wouldn’t know what to make of it, I imagine. He would probably definitely be bitter.
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Flint doesn’t seem the bitter type. Even when he was falling to his doom he was smiling.
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Yeah, he seems more like the dejected type (when his optimism finally runs out) instead of bitter.
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He is a hero type unlike us.
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I love shoes! one of my few stereotypical female traits. I especially love my 4″ heels. But it makes me bitter, to see the ladies wearing them, who look more like new born giraffes. Makes me chuckle though.
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The pictures of models having a hard time walking in those are quite amusing, I would have to agree.
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I must be a sick person because I find it so funny, but I think that is because I did a lot of runway work, so I had to wear those all the time. But it is awful if you step the wrong way.
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Please tell me you had some giraffe looking spills on the runway…and that you recorded them…and that I can view them on YouTube.
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unfortunately not, but I did dance as a back up dancer in a rap music video that was pretty ghetto fabulous.
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And why wouldn’t you just fall so we had something to laugh at. By the way, check out this YouTube video. I think I can relate. Cept I have a bitter face. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3v98CPXNiSk&list=TLXxFY6E-cv7g
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that is awesome!! I totally have bitchy resting face, or resting bitch face as i call it. maybe that’s why people are afraid of me. 🙂
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And I have a bitter resting face…and a bitter smile and a bitter frown. All emotions are bitter.
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My bitterness arises when everyone assumes that, because I have ovaries, I must be into shoes and purses.
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I know that is such a stereotype of females! Oh…
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This professor is against basketball and shoes.
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Sounds like you had a bad basketball shoe experience growing up…
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A very bitter one.
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I’ve had bad ankles too. Bitter that I didn’t became an NBA player.
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ock I don’t get the whole shoes thing and I’m female. BUT if you were talking about pjs and baffys, that’s a different story lol
Good read by the way xoxo
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My feet get so tired that I can barely wear shoes, let alone want to use my feet to go out and get more. What is a baffy?
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Bitches be crazy, Bitter Ben! Crazy!
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