As an expert in jumping to conclusions, being ignorant and making assumptions on things I have overheard, I believe that Picasso was a good artist. So good apparently that many people call their best work their “Picasso”. Maybe he was good at one time, but that was a long time ago. How about we move on to new people that get the title of the “Best”. In other words, how about we call someone’s best bike ride their “Jordan” or someone’s best presentation at work their “Bond”, James Bond. Or someone’s best remodel work was their Tony Hawk.
I’m not saying that Picasso wasn’t good at connecting lines and using paint, but did we ever consider that maybe someone else was just as good at painting? Picasso is pretty old by now and is probably in a nursing home and just wants people to leave him alone. Perhaps he is even a bitter old man by now. Regardless, I think there should be some changes to the “best of” conventions.
Here is what I propose: Anytime someone does their best in something they call it their Bitter Ben. I am terrible at a lot of things. I can barely add single digit numbers with a calculator, and I even need help even to do that from my 5 year old. I’m really good at destroying things, but when it comes to fixing things, repairing things or building things I am a disastrophy. Ask me to unclog a sink, change my oil or tighten a screw and I’m lost in a sea of bitterness. Communicating with other human being with anything other than a bitter stare, a grunt or a short terse phrase and I look like a kindergartner trying to figure out astrophysics, but in a non cute kid way. But when it comes to bitterness, I am the master. A more virtuoso performance of bitterness you will never see.
Do you think Picasso was an expert at race car driving or good at math? I don’t think so, unless someone has a time machine and can go back and prove it to me. I’ll make him do a few laps around the old race track at 200 mph before I will believe he’s anything other than a decent Nascar driver. If he does perform well, I’ll be the first to admit I am bitterly wrong and you can eat my shorts. And by the way, Picasso may have been good at doing Picasso’s but how do you think he would handle Photoshopping the cellulite off of a celebrity? We can do the time machine again if you want, but I’m going to go ahead say he would struggle with that. Besides don’t “they” say art is subjective? If so, then isn’t it just some subjective person saying he was the best?
Micheal Jordan has all kinds of stats to prove he was the best. I have all kinds of stats (150+ post and counting) that say I am the most bitter. How can we prove that Picasso was the best? What stats appear on the back Picasso’s art collector card? Did he paint the most paintings? Did he get rated the highest in Zagat the most times? Did they do the Sabre Metrics to find if people were looking most pensively when they were staring at his paintings? Did he get a lot of views and likes on his Youtube channel?
My theory is that one day some guy wanted to impress his date, so he claimed that a Picasso painting he just happened to be viewing was the greatest of all time. She told someone else, that person did a blog post, a Youtube video went viral and all of a sudden Picasso was crowned the king. On the other hand, my posts aren’t funny, emotional or even make sense ever. But they do showcase the one thing I am good at and I am the President of. Bitterness. The stats back me up. Check comments, read posts, check my stats and count the amount of time I have said bitter or any form of it. (I throw down the bitter mic and walk away bitterly.)
So the next time you want to proclaim your greatness call it your Bitter Ben. Or at the very least call me the Micheal Jordan of Bitterness.
Bitter Ben Out
All images courtesy of Google
- Day after Bitterness (bensbitterblog.wordpress.com)
- Remote Control Bitterness (bensbitterblog.wordpress.com)
- Bitter Awareness Week (bensbitterblog.wordpress.com)
- Wanted: Bitter Rival to Share Bitter Feud with (bensbitterblog.wordpress.com)