I am off this week from work and school and I have no
extravagant plans. I’m not going to Bitterland, I don’t have any B.I.T.T.E.R. School of Bitterness classes or even a trip to Hawaii. I’m not even on what the idiots call the Staycation, where you wander around your own town in search of local crap to do. None of that. I am on what they call a Bittercation. I plan on avoiding moving, sitting on the couch, procrastinating tasks, not cleaning…the house, my hair, myself…etc. In fact, by the end of the week, if you refer to me as looking like a homeless man, the homeless will be offended. They will put money in my cup, because they will feel so sorry for me. And I won’t refuse them either.
At least that was the plan anyways. Of course, nothing ever goes as planned on Bittercations. Though Mrs. Not So Bitter is working herself to the bone and constantly shooting me looks of “You better get off the couch and do something”, I am doing my best to avoid those ridiculous looks. I have bitter blinders on and thickheadedness of the brain that helps me avoid these type of things, but sometimes she resorts to asking me to do something directly. Unfortunately she caught me without my headphones once, so I screamed “Aarrrgh foiled again!” like a stupid dorky pirate. I was forced to leave the house on Saturday and today in order to be her mail pimp. Not a male pimp, weirdos. I had to carry crap we had around our house that sold on Ebay, to the crappy post office so they could drive this crap all the way across the country in exchange for some crappy Paypal something or other?
Post offices make me bitter because they are so fast. I ask them to deliver my crap across the country and it only takes them a month. Efficiency is not what the BBB is about and I expect my mail delivery service run inefficiently too. I’ve got a bitter business to run. How am I supposed to provide customer dissatisfaction when the post office is getting things to people before my 3 month delivery minimum?
So far I have brought mail to the post office twice this weekend and they haven’t ruined anything that I have given them. My expectation is that these mail carriers are treating my mail like Ace Ventura at the beginning of that movie he was in. I think it was called Ace Ventura. They have utterly failed in two instances. If you do some basic math that essentially equates to like 51% right? That means a majority of the things they did were right.
I expected to have to wait in line for 3 hours, but they clocked in an efficient 2:40. How am I supposed to fall asleep watching Dances with Wolves while in line? I got awoken by a screechy lady behind me that sounded like Roseanne Barr singing the national anthem. It was the critical part of the movie where Kevin Costner says something to people he was talking to. Remember that part? You know the one between the opening credits and the boring ending? Totally ruined my movie nap!
When I left the post office I fully expected to see the horse stable in the back where the mail carriers feed their horses, but nothing. What has happened to the post office lately? They seem heck bent on moving into the 19th century. They insist on using those stupid horseless carriages. The disappointment I have for their disappointment of my customers is truly disappointing. You know? The next thing you know they will be giving their employees training on how to handle speaking to people in their lines like human beings. That is the point when I will lose faith in not only the post office, but the entire government. Heaven help us when that day happens.
If I ever get bitter about the government, let’s just say I will unleash my bitter fury. No one wants to be around for that Bitter Apocolypse. Even ninjas or Zombies.
Arrghhh See Below….
Bitter Male Ben See below… See below… See below…
Also on Bitter Ben’s Blog Programming Note, please see my bitter twitter account @benadman for the first actual instance of a relevant use for twitter. I will be starting a new series on Twitter called Bitter because….where I will take photos that I have taken by myself or stolen from others and tell you exactly why something in that picture makes me bitter. I also invite Bitterians to submit pictures, any pictures, to me and I will comment on why they make me bitter. I dare you to! I challenge you to! The sweeter something is, the more of a challenge it will be for me to do. Bring it on Bitterians!!!!
- School carnival bitterness (bensbitterblog.wordpress.com)
- Wanted: Bitter Rival to Share Bitter Feud with (bensbitterblog.wordpress.com)
- Post Office staff to strike again (independent.co.uk)