Post Office Bitterness

Even this homeless guy will feel sorry for me and offer put money in my cup.

Even this homeless guy will feel sorry for me and offer put money in my cup.

I am off this week from work and school and I have no extravagant plans.  I’m not going to Bitterland, I don’t have any B.I.T.T.E.R. School of Bitterness classes or even a trip to Hawaii.  I’m not even on what the idiots call the Staycation, where you wander around your own town in search of local crap to do.  None of that.  I am on what they call a Bittercation.  I plan on avoiding moving, sitting on the couch, procrastinating tasks, not cleaning…the house, my hair, myself…etc.  In fact, by the end of the week, if you refer to me as looking like a homeless man, the homeless will be offended.  They will put money in my cup, because they will feel so sorry for me.  And I won’t refuse them either.

At least that was the plan anyways.  Of course, nothing ever goes as planned on Bittercations. Though Mrs. Not So Bitter is working herself to the bone and constantly shooting me looks of “You better get off the couch and do something”, I am doing my best to avoid those ridiculous looks.  I have bitter blinders on and thickheadedness of the brain that helps me avoid these type of things, but sometimes she resorts to asking me to do something directly.  Unfortunately she caught me without my headphones once, so I screamed “Aarrrgh foiled again!” like a stupid dorky pirate.   I was forced to leave the house on Saturday and today in order to be her mail pimp.  Not a male pimp, weirdos.  I had to carry crap we had around our house that sold on Ebay, to the crappy post office so they could drive this crap all the way across the country in exchange for some crappy Paypal something or other?

Post offices make me bitter because they are so fast.  I ask them to deliver my crap across the country and it only takes them a month.  Efficiency is not what the BBB is about and I expect my mail delivery service run inefficiently too.  I’ve got a bitter business to run.  How am I supposed to provide customer dissatisfaction when the post office is getting things to people before my 3 month delivery minimum?

This is the high standards that I have for mail carriers that they aren't living up to.

This is the high standard that I have for mail carriers that they aren’t living up to.

So far I have brought mail to the post office twice this weekend and they haven’t ruined anything that I have given them.  My expectation is that these mail carriers are treating my mail like Ace Ventura at the beginning of that movie he was in.  I think it was called Ace Ventura. They have utterly failed in two instances.  If you do some basic math that essentially equates to like 51% right?  That means a majority of the things they did were right.

Picture of Kevin Costner in Dances with Wolves.  It's the part where he is talking to those people on the ship, while pitching the perfect game.

Picture of Kevin Costner in Dances with Wolves. It’s the part where he is talking to those people on the ship, while pitching the perfect game.

I expected to have to wait in line for 3 hours, but they clocked in an efficient 2:40.  How am I supposed to fall asleep watching Dances with Wolves while in line? I got awoken by a screechy lady behind me that sounded like Roseanne Barr singing the national anthem.  It was the critical part of the movie where Kevin Costner says something to people he was talking to.  Remember that part?  You know the one between the opening credits and the boring ending?  Totally ruined my movie nap!

When I left the post office I fully expected to see the horse stable in the back where the mail carriers feed their horses, but nothing.  What has happened to the post office lately?  They seem heck bent on moving into the 19th century. They insist on using those stupid horseless carriages.  The disappointment I have for their disappointment of my customers is truly disappointing.  You know? The next thing you know they will be giving their employees training on how to handle speaking to people in their lines like human beings.  That is the point when I will lose faith in not only the post office, but the entire government.  Heaven help us when that day happens.

Bitterly disappointed when I didn't see this out behind the post office.

Bitterly disappointed when I didn’t see this out behind the post office.

If I ever get bitter about the government, let’s just say I will unleash my bitter fury.  No one wants to be around for that Bitter Apocolypse.  Even ninjas or Zombies.

Arrghhh See Below….

Bitter Male Ben  See below…  See below… See below…

Also on Bitter Ben’s Blog Programming Note, please see my bitter twitter account @benadman for the first actual instance of a relevant use for twitter.  I will be starting a new series on Twitter called Bitter because….where I will take photos that I have taken by myself or stolen from others and tell you exactly why something in that picture makes me bitter.  I also invite Bitterians to submit pictures, any pictures, to me and I will comment on why they make me bitter.  I dare you to!  I challenge you to!  The sweeter something is, the more of a challenge it will be for me to do.  Bring it on Bitterians!!!!  



80 thoughts on “Post Office Bitterness

  1. Pingback: Bitter Loyalty | Ben's Bitter Blog

  2. Pingback: Super Bitterness for real | Ben's Bitter Blog

  3. If you want a truly bitter experience BB, i suggest that you go abroad. Trust me, no one can call themselves an adult until they’ve tried to mail a package from an isolated village in Hungary.


  4. Pingback: Talking Bitterness | Ben's Bitter Blog

  5. I’m disappointed that your wife didn’t say “you bitter get off the couch..” How clever would that have been? I’m also bitter that celebrities like Brad Pitt think they can dress like slobs just because they’re celebrities and people will still think they’re cool.


  6. I am totally starting a movement to bring back the pony express. And I’ll be really bitter when it inevitably fails and all I end up with is some mail carriers dancing the pony on my sidewalk.


  7. Hey BB, I just started following you on Twitter, the only problem is I very rarely visit Twitter. It’s the most boring thing ever, yet I know many love it. Why? I can’t figure it out. So I probably won’t be sending you any photos but if you want to really make me bitter you can start following me (@firegut1). I don’t post much. That’s one benefit.


  8. Bitterians… I like it!

    You forgot to mention that this bitter break is in honor of my birth. The post office just brought me a gift just in time, so I can’t be bitter about them for a day at least.


  9. I actually like the post office, where my mail remains in air conditioned comfort until it can be retrieved. My bitterness is with FedUps. I asked the optical shop across the country to sent a pair of glasses via my PO box. They sent it via FedUps, who found an address to slap over the PO Box and changed it without my consent or knowledge. Fortunately, it was “delivered” (if you want to call it that) the day before garbage pickup. Why, you may wonder, is this important? I live between 2 roads and it was delivered to my back yard which is 100 feet through a forest of trees from the back of my house. Where, you might ask, was the 3 inch by 6 inch box (the one with FRAGILE slathered all over it)? Perched on top of a fencepost, which I discovered when I opened the gate and the box containing almost $300 worth of glasses fell on me. Yes, I complained bitterly.


    • At least Fed ups can get a tracking number. Fed ups at least gives you a tracking number. When you send it through the mail once you send it you have to have faith it will ever get there and faith that it made because you will never know.


      • Ah…psychic tracking number. What a great idea…if you’re a real psychic. Unfortunately, I failed Psychic 101 in college, opting for textbooks instead. Can’t track what you don’t know is coming to you–or when it’s coming to you–by FedUps. 🙂


  10. When I lived in Canada, my mum sent me a food parcel from Scotland – luxury items she thought I wouldn’t be able to get in Canada, like coffee, sugar, tea, and tins of soup. [My dad was more sensible – he put a bottle of whisky in the parcel]

    They sent it by sea so it took forever to reach me. Everyday, I trudged down to the post office to see if it had arrived – and every day I trudged back home, bitterly disappointed when it had not.

    Finally it arrived. And it was in a sorry state. It was all battered and torn – looked like a herd of elephants had trampled all over it. Inside, it was a mess too. Anything that wasn’t sealed in a tin had been opened and the contents scattered about. The 2nd thing I noticed when I looked inside the wrecked parcel was that there was loose coffee, sugar and teabags everywhere. The 1st thing I noticed was the absence of a whisky bottle !

    The postal clerk pinned the blame on the spilled coffee, sugar, etc on Customs Inspection. Likewise, he suggested my bottle of whisky had been confiscated by Customs – though there was a shifty look about him and a nervous tic as he told me this that aroused my suspicions. As I trudged back home with the long-awaited parcel (but sans the whisky) I was almost overwhelmed by the bitterness I felt towards the Post Office !


  11. There are some super crappy commemorative stamps to be bitter over as well (dead choreographers, anyone?), but at least the price of a stamp hasn’t changed since Roseanne “sang” that version of the anthem. No, wait–it totally has. Like a million times.


    • The stamp is like a bitter sticker because it couldn’t be a kid’s favorite. It wanted to be a scratch and sniff, but it smelled so bad that no one wanted it. So it was bought by the bitter post office.


  12. Although not relevent to the current bitter topic, I have, big time, San Antonio Spurs bitterness . What happended to those guys in the 4th quarter was a very bitter cup. I have never seen such a breakdown in performance in a finals series game, ever. It was, to say the least. A very bitter pill in the pit of mystomach. I hope, all bitterness aside, they will bounce and recover in the next 3 games, seeing how they play on their home court. It would be a very bitter end, if they lose the home court advantage to outsiders.


Your Bitter Comments

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s