School carnival bitterness

The entrance to Bitterland is like this but with a face that is much more Bitter.

The entrance to Bitterland is like this but with a face that is much more Bitter.

As you have may have read in the past, I am a Demusement park owner.  Disneyland was a place modeled after my park Bitterland.  The difference is that at Bitterland, I deliberately have disdain for my customers and I am honest about it, while Disney tries to hide the fact that it only loves your money.  The whole philosophy behind Bitterland is complete customer dissatisfaction.  We go out of our way to make sure you don’t have a fun time at all.  Don’t get us wrong, we will take your money, but it is the complaining, frowning and the bitter threats that fuel the employees of Bitterland.

As witnessed by the billions of dollars that Disney and Bitterland steal from billions of suckers everyday, demusement parks are big business.  So it goes without saying that elementary schools are trying to copy Bitterland in order to try to “reward” kids for making it through 9 months of grueling 6 hour days.  School fooled me into thinking that jobs would be the same way.  The best part of having your kids go to school is the fact that you get to go to a lousy job for at least 5 days a week, 40 hours a week and then you still get to come home and do someone else’s homework.  Failing math once made me bitter enough, but failing it three times will take the bitter cake. As a reward for all my hard work,  I had the punishment of going to my kids school carnival.


Please kid tell me more about how you skinned your knee after falling.  I love to hear all about your pain.

Please kid tell me more about how you skinned your knee after falling. I love to hear all about your pain.

I understand that I have to put up with my kids because I am responsible for their bitterness and annoying habits since their births.  But you bitter believe that I care not all about other people’s kids.  They are not mine, I am not responsible for raising them, feeding them or listening to them scream, talk or even whisper.  A school carnival is full of other people’s disaster’s, uh kids and having to deal with them is like punching myself in the face.  I have tried multiple things to get rid of kids but nothing seems to work.  I have tried scowling bitterly, ignoring completely, putting headphones on or even spraying myself with kid repellant but nothing seems to work.  They just keep talking, moving and breathing.

A dollar for this? Are you crazy? Oh it for charity...? Oh well in that case I'll take none.

A dollar for this? Are you crazy? Oh it for charity…? Oh, well in that case I’ll take none.

If that wasn’t enough to make me bitter, there were fantastically stupid games, terribly over priced snow cones($1?) and unbearably painful pop music.   And if having kids around wasn’t painful enough, there were also parents there.  Parents I don’t know and don’t like, parents I do know and don’t like and parents that I don’t care about or like.   Though every parent and kid in the world are in the category of people I don’t like, seeing all of them at one time just made the evening that much more bitter.   As much as I can’t stand tents and camping, it would have beat the alternative of having to ignore and avoid others at a school carnival.

The worst part of all is that this should have been a good place to find despirational ideas to use at my own park, but the carnival couldn’t even do that right.  Their games were one level above being the most bitter things I would ever choose for a bitter experience at Bitterland.

Can wait until next year….

Bitter Carnivoral Ben


70 thoughts on “School carnival bitterness

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  4. This one had me really laughing! So true on so many levels! Liked the comments about cost at these children-oriented activities where parents/or in my case/grandparents feel pressure to spend lots of money on usually cheap things.


  5. My kid’s school carnival had the decency to collaborate with a church Sausage Feast that is held in the fall. Endless Sausages, beer, and big screen TVs playing college football help distract you from the pointless, mindless carnival games your kids are wasting your money on!


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  8. As a teacher, I feel your pain about the kid repellent. I’m going into my lab this summer to work on it. There’s no reason our bitterness should be compromised in a carnival situation.


  9. OH YES Ben you are so right! Raising children is hard work. Kid’s Carnival was also for me one of the most hated thing’s. Thank you for giving that a voice!


  10. BB you are actually building a Bitter Empire. You need to add Unmotivational Speaker to your master plan. I would love to pay you an unaffordable amount of money to come speak at my local library’s young entrepenuer’s program.


  11. LMAO! You know I don’t have kids yet, but I’m already dreading putting up with other people for the sake of my children. But on the better side, at least you avoided corn dog nuggets at the creepy carnival! I feel like they would be lurking somewhere around a place like that, waiting for some unsuspecting victim…

    Also, the world carnival makes me think of clowns. I’m terrified of clowns.


  12. Wow. What a bitter way for me to spend a few moments on a Saturday. I laughed so hard at the parents known, but not liked, parents not cared about and not liked…. Yep. I’m a bitter bird of a feather. I’d probably like your unamusement park…..


  13. You forgot the extra money you pay to be notified when it’s your turn for the ride you want. You get 4 minutes to get to a ride that would take a marathon runner 10 minutes to get to at top speed. Any employee who lets a customer win that race loses a days pay.

    I was once the dunkee for the school dunking pool. My kids spent their allowance trying to dunk me. Amazing how good their aim was.


    • Can you imagine how much money would be raised by me if I told people that they could dunk me? Then I would tell people that the charity was for me. Best bitter scam ever, besides the other thousand that I have.


  14. i once got arrested at Disneyland by their secret police force, for piggyback fighting in front of the Enchanted Castle. They accused us of ‘unwarranted violence’ and we got thrown out in the parking lot with the Hari Krishnas for the day. I hear that school carnivals are even worse.


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