Bitter Picture Bonanza of the week

Lazy Turtle.

I wanna be a turtle.  One that even other turtles call lazy.

I used to think that turtles didn’t have much use because they were slow. It wasn’t until I got older that I realized that I wanted to be just like them.  They said we couldn’t learn anything from turtles, and by “they” I mean “them”.  You know, the guys that say things and girls that say stuff.   Turtles never leaves his home.   They always have an excuse to be late for work.  They live a long time while being lazy.  They could accidently fall into some mutant ooze and wear a mask over their eyes and become a ninja in their teenage years.  Okay so I might not become a ninja in my teenage years but I’ve heard from “them” that 40 is the new 20, so I’m like almost in my late teen years.  All I know is that I aspire to do nothing just like this turtle and I haven’t made it to his high level yet.  I am so bitter.

Words.

Okay, maybe I want to be a bear.  I can barely wait to become one.

When I was growing up people gave me the nickname Gentle Ben.  Not because I was gentle, but because there was a bear named Gentle Ben that had a TV show that I had never heard of.  Apparantly it was about a game warden and his friendship with a bear that didn’t maul him to death.  Sounds like a lame TV show and one I would have snoozed through until I was hungry, then eaten until I got tired.  The point is that maybe I could be a bear named Bitter Ben and have a TV show about how lazy I was.  It wouldn’t be a ratings bonanza, but at least it would be the highest rated show on NBC.

Reading this post has been the biggest waste of your day yet!

Reading this post has been the biggest waste of your day yet!

I offer you this last bitter picture of the day.  Just like the turtle and the bear, we like to do nothing…more than waste your time.  I know that it was only three minutes today, but we have to build up to these things.  Wasting your time as well as mine is a lot of work.  It is something I take great pride in doing.  In the future I will do my best to waste more of your time, writing longer posts about nothing entertaining, funny, charming or time-worthy.  Actually, who are we kidding? I’m not going to do my best because that would require skills that I don’t have.  And I don’t take great pride in wasting your time or mine either.  What do you think I am? A caring turtle? A gentle bear?  Go waste you own time.  I’ve got a nap to get to.

Arrrghhh

Bitter Bonanza Ben

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82 thoughts on “Bitter Picture Bonanza of the week

  1. Wow you have so many followers you can start your own cult. (The Cult of Bitterness.) As far as turtles go, they know how to PACE themselves. I’m gonna start doing that tomorrow. 🙂

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  2. Sorry. The post was not a waste of time. The best three minute waste I encounter is explaining a problem to a customer service rep. Should just scream “my shit doesn’t work,” and hang up given the problem resolution quality

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  3. You may be onto something. In Stephen King’s Dark Tower, the Turtle (Maturin) and the Bear (Shardik) were two of the Guardians of the Beams that held up the world as we know it (and other worlds as we do not know them, except for what SK chooses to tell us about them — basically that they all went to hell in a handbasket as the Beams fell.) If I recall correctly, and I do, the Turtle-Bear beam was the last one — the only one, in fact, that held. CASE CLOSED. Sorry for nerding up your post, unless it increases your bitterness, in which case, hooray! Here’s the coup de grace:

    See the TURTLE of enormous girth!
    On his shell he holds the Earth,
    His thought is slow but always kind;
    He holds us all within his mind.

    On his back the truth is carried,
    And there are love and duty married.
    He loves the earth and loves the sea,
    And even loves a child like me.

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    • I’m pretty sure that turtle would love everyone but a bitter child like me. You can’t nerd my blog up any more than it already is. There is no bigger nerd, no bigger bitter than me. Just try me….But I will be taking a nap and wasting time so I probably won’t get to it.

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  4. Nothing like increasing your time-wasting by my posting a comment. Enjoyed this entry! But, then, later I did get a bitter aftertaste! 😉

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  5. Gentle Ben as in the bear, I just had a bitter happening in my last post – I am curious as to what Bitter Ben would have done had this situation occured to you. Agitationally yours, 🙂

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    • The first two seasons are already fully formed in my head. Writing them down on a typewriter or piece of paper, now that is another story. It’s going to take 10 years minimum with all the naps I have planned.

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  6. You clearly did not see my Gentle Ben appreciation post, “Stoned or Stuffed?” You just have to watch with the right perspective. Apologize on bended knee to the mighty Comic Con god Clint Howard or be smitten like swine unto pearls.

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  7. slow and steady wins the race..when you are lazy..you call it a day 🙂
    you made me read this …and I am very bitter about it..yesssssssssss
    hisssssssssssssssssssss ( that was a snake in anger)

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  8. I hate to burst your bitter bubble, Badass Ben, but your blatantly belligerent blog, brimming with baloney, is anything but a waste of my time (and I don’t even LIKE baloney . . . I’m a vegetarian!)

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    • If I could have found a picture of a sloth. I mean I really doubt that there are any pictures of them on Google anywhere. Besides that would have taken me more work and like I said at the end of the post, you need to find your own way to waste time. I need a nap!

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