According to the calendar, it should be springtime. After spring, usually there is this season called Summer. Summer is famous for many things, like scathingly hot weather(except in Seattle), drought, kids not being in school (causing apathy and laziness), forest fires, bugs, sunburns, overpriced and terrible summer movies, and overpriced and terrible amusement parks(in other words a bitter season). The season of summer is almost upon us and we have all these underlooked things to dread forward to.
To stave off the incessant boredom and apathy kids that replaces the frustration and anger of school, parents are forced to put their bitter work on hold and request from their boss time off so they can entertain their kids on a highly frustrating road trip to an overpriced location. Road trips are a perfect way to cause animosity between family members by putting them in the confined space of a car, where there are limited options of things to do. Electronics would be a great way to avoid talking to each other, but most electronics run out of batteries and have limited Wi-fi when constantly driving away from towers. So I propose you try something slightly different this summer. Come to my newly opened amusement park, Bitterland.
I have done extensive research into what amusement parks do very well and what they do poorly (See my epic six part series of Bitterness at 6 amusement parks, Disney’s Epcot, Animal Kingdom, Magic Kingdom, and Disney Studios, and Universal Studios and Universal’s Islands of Adventure). I have taken this research and have crafted a unique Bitter experience for all.
What is the first experience we all have at an amusement park? That’s right. Parking. I have not only caused that you have to pay for parking, but that parking isn’t organized. We give you your parking pass, then you have to race with other guests to find a good spot. No parking attendants, no markers to tell you that you are in E.T. lot or the Goofy lot. The only organization is types of cars being sent to separate lots. For instance, the SUV lot has tiny spots that require you to parallel park for you spot, other than 1 or 2 regular sized spots(this creates the illusion that you may get a good spot, but really there is a lottery like chance that you will). Meanwhile, in the next lot over, SUV’s can view the Smart car lot, which is 40 times the size and farther away from the park(no tram will bring you the 26 miles you must trek to get to the park). This creates an equally frustrating experience for all and generates revenue for the park owner(me).
Research indicates that people like regular hours so that they know when they can come to the park. At Bitterland, we are proud to introduce a new type of hours. We can them flex hours. In other words, hours change on an hourly basis. Sometimes a minutely basis. Some days, we are opened at 12:01 am, and close at 11:59 pm. In this case, you will get the full value of your ticket. But you will just have to come to the park the lucky day that happens every leap year or so. Other days, the park opens at 2:30 am and closes at 3:30 am. While the hours are short and it is cold out, the park is yours for the taking as very few are able to make the park at this time. Other times we open at regular time, about 9 am, close at 10 am, open again at 11 am, close at 11:30 am, etc. This allows for park attendees to never really feel comfortable in the park before being kicked out. In fact, park hours are so specific that sometimes, you can be in the middle of a ride and it will shut down, spit you out just short of the entrance, and because you are just inside the park, charge you for another day. You’re welcome.
Rides and shows are the lifeblood of the amusement park experience. Our rides are meant to help you experience the maximum amount of Bitterness. Our most popular ride is the waiting line ride. It starts near one of our popular rides, has multiple ropes and lanes that guide you toward what you think we will an epic ride only to spit you out in some obscure part of the park. In another area, or roller coasters get you to the top of 1000 foot peak just above the clouds only to “accidently” get you stuck at the top for hours. We do have a service that gets you down from there(only a dollar a foot to drag your bitter self down). Some rides get you stuck in the middle or right near the end(Again, a lotteries chance that you may complete the ride unscathed, but usually that when the riders are afraid of fast roller coasters). Some go really slow or way too fast only to stop you on a dime. If one bitter ride ruins your whole day, we consider your(mostly our) day a success.
Shows are another way we can dehance your experience. We have scoured the depths of Hollywood, New York and Bollywood to find the most pathetic Hollywood Failure Stories and bring them to our shows. If there was an actor or actress that completely ruined a movie you saw, or had a highly irritating part in a TV show you watch on a non regular basis, we’ve hired them to be in these shows. If they can sing, but can’t act, we will feature them as an actor. If they can act, but can’t sing, we will feature them as a singer. We’ve also hired the least prepared and talented directors, sound mixers, cinematographers, and even best boy grips in the business. You will feel so angry by the time you leave that will actually wish that it was -30 zero outside so you could cleanse the horrificness from your mind.
Amusement parks wouldn’t be what they are without extra things to buy inside the park. Extra fees are what Bitterland is all about. Do you want to take cuts in the line to nowhere line? We have a take cuts pass for a nominally large charge. You have to convince the others in the park that you get to take cuts, and should cause at minimum some passive aggressive stares. Do you want food? We way overprice ours after the Disney model. Want to visit Bitter Castle in the middle? Extra fee. How about a place to park your stroller. Extra. Need a restraint for your roller coaster ride? Extra. How about souvenirs? We have the same four T-shirts in every shop and only in two sizes. Extra small and 5XL. Just outside the range of every person you know. You just can’t bear leaving a park without them, so we know you will buy them anyways.
Who is ready for some bitterness this summer? Our motto is “All the Bitterness of Disney, without disguising it”. Join me in a location just out of your comfort zone for a package just above your budget for a vacation. Packages are online at http://www.bensbitterblog.wordpress.com. Come on and all to experience our exorbitant fees and our ridiculous park hours. We also have hotel packages at the Bitterland Hotel and Not so Suites, and even cruises on the Titanic Bitter Cruise ships. They include power sometimes(and sometimes don’t crash). More about them another post.
Bitter Excursion Ben