Most people would be surprised to know this about me, but I am neither invincible or indestructible. Because of this, from time to time, I get sick. Sometimes I even have pain. I am very bitter about this, but it is something even I have to deal with. When my drug of choice, Aleve, isn’t doing it for me anymore, I find myself having to visit a doctor.
Recently, I went to visit my doctor to see if I could get my common sense removed, because that is the only way that he could tell me something I didn’t know. When I told Dr. Obvious that my back was in pain, he gave me a quick diagnosis. Without examining my back or giving me an X-ray, he says, “Looks like if you lost about 40-50 lbs, your back would feel better.” First of all, rude. Second, I’m pretty sure that I could have consulted the mirror to get that diagnosis. So basically, I got a job, so I could pay $140 a month for my medical insurance per month, and then a $20 co-pay to get advice like this? I am no Einstein, or Edison, or even Gates, or Jobs, but I’m pretty sure I could tell you that the stuff on my front affects my back. Doc Obvious, your job is this: Give me some drugs to make it feel better or surgery away my pain. I don’t care if it is the weight or the back.
My shoulder is not indestructible either. Being a glutton for punishment, I decided to ask him about that. “Doctor, my shoulder is really hurting.” So he asks me some really deep questions. “Which shoulder is it?” I say, “It’s my left shoulder.” While pretending to check my shoulder by quickly feeling it, he asks, “What side do you sleep on?” Now we are getting somewhere. Some medical expertise? Is he onto something? What is it? Is he making connections here? Surely he will have to ask a few more questions to come up with a cause, right? No, he is a trained professional. “I would go ahead and sleep on the other side.” Thanks Doctor Obvious. Is it too much to just remove my shoulder and just a put a bionic arm on there? No he wants to go the obvious, safe, take forever route. Does he think I am going to live until I am 60? Read a medical journal every once in while. People rarely last that long.
Hey Doc, did you go to the same medical school as Dr. Evil and Doc Oc? How about you write out yourself a prescription for some courage and get me some surgery. I’m not interested in not eating pizza or running on a treadmill that will injure my knees. Then I will just have to keeping back for more obviousness. And obviously, you make me bitter.
Bitter Im”Patient” Ben