Doctor Bitterness

/ bensbitterblog
The unstoppable force vs. the immovable object. Or as I like to call it, my doctor's obivousness vs. my logic.

The unstoppable force vs. the immovable object. Or as I like to call it, my doctor’s obviousness vs. my logic.

Most people would be surprised to know this about me, but I am neither invincible or indestructible.  Because of this, from time to time, I get sick.  Sometimes I even have pain.  I am very bitter about this, but it is something even I have to deal with.  When my drug of choice, Aleve, isn’t doing it for me anymore, I find myself having to visit a doctor.

Recently, I went to visit my doctor to see if I could get my common sense removed, because that is the only way that he could tell me something I didn’t know.  When I told Dr. Obvious that my back was in pain, he gave me a quick diagnosis.  Without examining my back or giving me an X-ray, he says, “Looks like if you lost about 40-50 lbs, your back would feel better.”  First of all, rude.  Second, I’m pretty sure that I could have consulted the mirror to get that diagnosis.  So basically, I got a job, so I could pay $140 a month for my medical insurance per month, and then a $20 co-pay to get advice like this?  I am no Einstein, or Edison, or even Gates, or Jobs, but I’m pretty sure I could tell you that the stuff on my front affects my back.  Doc Obvious, your job is this: Give me some drugs to make it feel better or surgery away my pain.  I don’t care if it is the weight or the back.

Me getting my common sense removed.

Me getting my common sense removed.

My shoulder is not indestructible either.  Being a glutton for punishment, I decided to ask him about that.  “Doctor, my shoulder is really hurting.”  So he asks me some really deep questions.  “Which shoulder is it?”  I say, “It’s my left shoulder.”  While pretending to check my shoulder by quickly feeling it, he asks, “What side do you sleep on?” Now we are getting somewhere.  Some medical expertise?   Is he onto something?  What is it?  Is he making connections here?  Surely he will have to ask a few more questions to come up with a cause, right?  No, he is a trained professional.  “I would go ahead and sleep on the other side.”  Thanks Doctor Obvious.  Is it too much to just remove my shoulder and just a put a bionic arm on there?  No he wants to go the obvious, safe, take forever route.  Does he think I am going to live until I am 60?  Read a medical journal every once in while.  People rarely last that long.

Is it too much to ask for a bionic arm with laser beams?

Is it too much to ask for a bionic arm with laser beams?

Hey Doc, did you go to the same medical school as Dr. Evil and Doc Oc? How about you write out yourself a prescription for some courage and get me some surgery.  I’m not interested in not eating pizza or running on a treadmill that will injure my knees.  Then I will just have to keeping back for more obviousness.  And obviously, you make me bitter.

If Superman can eat pizza and maintain that superheroish figure, why can't I?

If Superman can eat pizza and maintain that superheroish figure, why can’t I?

Arrrgghhhhh

Bitter Im”Patient” Ben

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88 thoughts on “Doctor Bitterness”

  1. NOW I know why You are Special, Ben! It is because all Your ‘common’ sense has been removed, and You are left with only Special ones! And that is Good. We like it! Love and Regards.

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  2. Because I work in healthcare, I found this post extremely amusing. I’ll bet anything that your doctor didn’t have breakfast. They get a little testy when they are hungry. Next time you need medical advice, just come on over to my way. I can also state the obvious and I’ll even do it for free.

    Of course, it wouldn’t be nearly as disappointing so that is a major pitfall. Enjoy your weightloss and change of sleeping position. LMAO

    And remember…. No surgery for you!!! At least according to the surgery nazi…

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  6. I don’t mean to be disrepectful to the Medical Professionals out there, but doctors are getting lazy. Telling someone to loose weight is lazy. How can one assume the weight is the problem without a full work-up? Maybe they are doing the least amount of work because they are jealous of lawyers. Most Lawyers make more money than doctors, and this knowledge makes them CRAZY with jealousy. Jealous doctors do not make good diagnosticians, ergo, I blame the Lawyers. Can you tell I despise lawyers? :-b (Me sticking out my tongue.)
    Hang in there Sir Bitter Ben, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

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  13. Pingback: My blogging rule #2: Don’t punch the monkey | Matthew Alan Bennett

  17. You can be glad that he did’nt told you – “Oh, it’s only in your mind”. Probably he thinks having decent pain is bitter better than being a psycho.

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      • Awww! 😀 I think you’d be a hilarious yoga companion — I already have a bitter yoga companion & she always cracks me up. That said, how many exercises do you know that end with the equivalent of a mini-nap? (in yoga: savasana) Wishing you less pain, sir…however you go about it.

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        • I tried yoga on the Wii Fit once and it made me to sore for every wanting to try it again. I did the one where you use your elbows to prop you up so you can stand on your neck and have the rest of your body shooting straight up in the air. It was wrong on so many yoga levels. I think I would be pretty embarrased if I died by cracking my neck in that position. Even if I was dead.

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  18. I can’t remember the name of the comic…uh.. yeah – Louis C.K., who talked about a check up with his Dr., and the pain he was feeling in his knees or hip… and was expecting a fix all cure or something – anything to put him back on the mend. The Dr. just told him something similar to your story, to just take it easy, medicate for pain only, and move on ( I am royally ad lib – ing the set he did).. and asked if the Dr. could go in and fix it- to which the Doc laughed and said “you’re too old for that”. Louis goes on to say and joke about the fact that as we get older, we drift farther and farther away from the chance of getting real medical help… that we are no athletes or famous people… our existence here on earth doesn’t cause the Dr. to rush in and save us because of our low impact on society. My wife has dealt with pain for quite some time, and once a Dr. told her to medicate the pain as needed… which of course she was doing for weeks prior to this moronic revelation from her Dr., and which in kind, she returned the favor of not paying the bill for the unhelpful Doctors visit, because he did nothing.

    Of course, I will go on the side of healthcare, as I am within that field, and be a devils advocate for a moment- which of course, the obvious will always be the right answer to when the body hurts or isn’t functioning.. which is weight gain and poor eating habits…and the occasional hereditary doomsday looming diseases. I of course am no example of perfect health… and do feel the aches and pains of a unhealthy body, to which I KNOW the obvious. Human development is a bitch when it comes to later in age, and the days of faster metabolisms (for most of us) are a distant past. Slowly our body shuts down… and then it is up to us to do the extra work to keep it going and running to functioning status- like a car. We love a brand new car, and it is a great feeling knowing you have a while till repairs and changes are needed for it…. and when that day comes when your brakes slip or engine overheats… lights burn out… you know the obvious… and then you pay for not taking care of it sooner. I know you like to mock and poke fun at life’s situations – but do take care of yourself sir.. .before the obvious becomes the seriously a problem. (ok.. hoping off the soapbox!!)

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    • If I could just slide through medical school, I would be a great doctor. Requirements: being late, making others do their work, writing prescriptions, reffering you to other doctors. Sounds like a perfectly lazy occupation!

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