Acting is hard. I have tried it zero times and from that experience, I found that I don’t like it. You have to memorize lines and deal with multiple assistants that just can’t get the right temperature on your cold water, and dealing with the media who sometimes ask hard questions. For instance, What is your favorite actor? I guess that one is easy. Me. But then you have to do things that you don’t like. For instance, deal with emotion. Some actors get so emotional that they recieve awards for looking common. Like that is hard. All you have to do is peel off your makeup, and no one will recognize you. I, on the other hand, will give the Academy Award of Bitterness to someone who can act as bitter as I am in real life. For a while there were no candidates. It isn’t simple to be this bitter. No one could capture the combination of The Stone Cold Face of Boredom and Bitterness. No one seemed to be able to look so unhappy while others around him where so giddy with glee. Until now. Tommy Lee Jones, of the otherworldly film, Man of the House, you have found me as a muse. You’re welcome.
You deserve this Academy Award of Bitterness, aka Bittery, which is an old second place trophy from my Little League water polo days. Unlike the Academy Award that you didn’t win, this one will be displayed proudly in your second closet of old stuff, for none of the world to see. Luckily your maid will mistake it for your Golden Globe and place it ever so gently in your trash recepticle (a fancy word for your trash can.)
Congratulations, Tommy Lee Jones (all three names are necessary) on not only getting the first and only Bittery, but making my bitter Photo of the week.
Perhaps, someday I will be worthy of this award, but I’m sure I will only get second place (out of 1).
That makes me so bitter.
PS I am aware that the Academy Awards were like, weeks ago. That’s not my fault. They should have scheduled them closer to my bitter blog post.