Stair bitterness

This is how the stairs at the mall look like to me.

This is how the stairs at the mall look like to me.

When I was a child, at some point, I learned how to walk.  I don’t remember when I first did because I was like a little to young.  I should have though, because I normally remembered the momentous occasions in my life.  Like graduating from 3rd grade or getting stood up on my first date, or falling on my face in front of a big crowd or saying something that I thought was funny so I started laughing but there was silence from everyone else?  It just seems very curious that I wouldn’t remember learning how to walk.

Anyways, I figure at some point my parent or older sibling tried to teach me how to use those walking skills for something useful.  Like maybe to get me to get something for them, so they could sit lazily on the couch or to walk outside and shovel the snow off driveway in a blizzard just so it could snow on it again later.  I am guessing eventually they said that you could use the walking skills to step up instead of forward.  They called these things steps or “stairs” and they allowed me to go from somewhere lower to somewhere higher.  It was probably at this time that I realized that stairs make me bitter.

Doesn’t matter to me as long as I don’t have to walk or move.

Doesn’t matter to me as long as I don’t have to walk or move.

For one thing, they don’t move.  Why would I want to exert effort for getting somewhere higher or lower when there is an invention called an escalator that allows me to do that without effort.  Also why are stairs only up or down?  Have they ever though that we might want to go straight?  I know they have those sky walks at some airports, but why aren’t those things everywhere?   Apparantly someone somewhere decided that I would have need to move on my own.  But why?  When I was a child all my moving was taken care of by my parents.  They carried me everywhere or put me in a stroller or in a car.  They were very careful to never let me walk.  I don’t know why they were so accommodating because I could walk, I just didn’t want to.  A lot of wear and tear on your knees, you know.

Learning how to levitate seems a lot less complicated.

Learning how to levitate seems a lot less complicated.

I even spent a summer working in construction with concrete and from time to time we would have to build stairs.  All I know is that we had to measure and mark and do some crazy algorithm in order to build them.  I assume that whoever invented stairs wanted to mess with his ex-girlfriend who broke his heart or maybe it was a women who wanted to play a practical joke on her sister.

“Hey (imagine the ex-girlfriends name or sister), I invented a way that you can go up!”  the inventor says.

“Oh wow, so you figured out how to levitate? So coool!”

“No actually I got some wood, put one piece flat the one in perpendicular, the connected them all with a handy bit of math and waaalla.  It’s called a stair.  Try it!”

The sister/girlfriend trys it, has to do more walking that normal and walks away in frustration as the inventor laughed hysterically . “Sucker!”

I don’t care how beautiful it is. If it isn’t an escalator, I’ll wait.

I don’t care how beautiful it is. If it isn’t an escalator, I’ll wait.

Stairs are everywhere and I think it is about time to make them obsolete.  Moving sidewalks, levitation and teleporting all seems to be much better methods of going up and down.  If the stairway to heaven has stairs that I have to walk up, I will wait until they install ones that move.  I’m just so bitter of stairs making me walk and move.


Bitter Ben

6 thoughts on “Stair bitterness

  1. Okay, just don’t say I didn’t warn you about stairs. One of these days when you aren’t looking they are going to trip you and swallow you up just like you thought the escalator would. And don’t forget how much trouble they caused Harry Potter.


  2. Wait until you hear this. Not only do I elect to take the stairs, but as part of my exercise routine I go to what we call here “the stairs” a couple times a week. “The Stairs” are attached to what used to be toboggan slides, but those are long gone now. It’s 125 stairs of varying heights and depths that lead to the top of this hill, and now people just go there to get in a good workout. They’re unbelievable. I avoid escalators because I’m always afraid I’m going to get stuck in one and smashed to bits.


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