My revulsion for job applications dates all the way back to the early 70’s, IE the early days of me. I realized my parents didn’t love me when I applied to be my parent’s least favorite child and they roundly rejected my application. They used a sophisticated rejection software called crumpling up the paper and throwing it in the trash, and sent me a strongly worded rejection email. I was only three years old, but that rejection is still seared into my brain and has lead me on a downward spiral of continuous and consistent rejection. If job rejections manifested as being shot out of a cannon as a cannonball, then I would be the world’s best cannonball shooter guy in the Ringling Bros. circus act.

That’s not to say that I wasn’t rejected by girls at almost the same rate, but I didn’t have to have a girlfriend to pay rent. I’ve had a dozen jobs throughout my life, and 10’s of thousands of job rejections. If I were a baseball player, I would have been kicked off the T-ball team, because my application batting average was so low. The coaches would have subtly suggested that I learn how to knit or sew, or collect baseball cards instead. If I rounded up my average, I think it would’ve been .001. My wife is always telling to stop telling people that I applied to that place once, because that would have included every business in the area.

The ONLY reason I have a hard time finding jobs is because of my skills…and my looks…and my interview style…and because I’m introverted…and because I’m unpleasant to be around…Oh, and I’m bitter, I don’t have any relatives at the company, I sweat a lot, and of course, I’m such a bad liar on interviews and my resume. Other than that, I’m not sure why people don’t hire me.

Luckily most people have found way to avoided interviews with me, by using this gatekeeper I call The Resume. Unfortunately, the guardian of the gate is a massive Titan named Goliath and I’m David without faith, courage or five smooth stones.

The nice thing for hiring managers is that they can easily reject you right off the bat, just by looking at your resume and finding anything wrong that they want to find. Or as my parents did, they can a sophisticated rejection software except for real. Now with AI, all they have to do is tell AI to reject any resume with the words Bitter Ben and I could apply for 100’s of jobs for a company and they would never see it. Goliath would just take out Bitter David.

However, if my resume slid into their DM’s through a back channel and they were looking for someone who wasted a lot of time at work, was a bitter blogger and the job was to play video games all day, they could actually schedule me for an interview. Of course, my abrasive personality, bad interviewing skills, and my awkward small talk skills could easily blow even the best fit for me.

The problem with resumes is that they are only good for hiring managers, because they are a way for them to summarize someone’s work history in one page. I think it’s high time that we start using resumes in social situations. They would be the best way for us to get a one page document that summarizes a person’s life history. Especially for those of us who despise small talk.

My favorite thing about meeting people is not meeting people. The problem with meeting people is that you have to talk to them, with your mouth, and worse still, you have to make small talk with them. If there was a way to meet people without having to talk to them, then I might actually want to do it.

The other problems with work resumes is how they are delivered. You either have to print them out on a sheet of paper, which as far as I know, doesn’t exist anymore, now that Dunder Mifflin went out of business. Or you can view them on your computer, phone or tablet. They just aren’t delivered conveniently or fast enough.

If we are even going to be able to use a resume in socializing, we need to make them easily accessible to viewers. That’s why they need to be implanted on the forehead, or as my daughter likes to call mine, a fivehead. On my fivehead, you could view my entire resume in 12 point font quite reasonably. In the case of people that have good hairlines, we can arrange for their resumes to be viewed as a pop-up where a person could click a button and increase the size a bit fore (get it? Fore?, as in head) easier reading.

The Forehead Resume would be a gatekeeping tool. It would allow introverts (or other people I guess too) a way of skipping the small talk and filtering out the people they didn’t have anything in common with. If you found other people you were interested in through their Head Resume, then you could schedule an in-person interview with them to talk about the real stuff.

You’re skeptical, I can see it. You don’t want just anyone to read your Head Resume. The solution is that head resumes would be similar to a private Instagram account, where you have to grant someone access before they could read your forehead.

You would be incentivized to update your Head resume much more often, because you want people to actually think you have something going on in your world.

Unfortunately, just like on job resumes, you can’t eliminate the liars from lying. They will always be able to do that. But don’t worry, just like most employers, you are pretty good at detecting BS. But you are still free to be naive or look past the red flags if you are attracted to the head the resume is implanted on. Nobody can save you from your bad judgment. Although I will be offering a supplementary device called a BS detector for an additional charge.

Since I’m winning the lottery drawing tomorrow, I will be using some of the proceeds toward the creation of Head Resumes. Look for it coming soon. Along with the BS detectors.

While the Head Resume is still in development, my Bitter Friday Giftures will hold you over while you are waiting…

I first realized my parents didn’t love me…

Don’t worry though…

I’ve applied for 10’s of thousands of jobs…

If rejection manifested in the form of being shot out of a cannon…

I have no idea why people wouldn’t want to hire me…

I’m…

I’m…

I don’t have any…

And worst of all…

Luckily most employers have found the easy way…

By requesting a resume…

Meaning that requesting a head resume…

Thus the head resume…

Since I will be winning the lottery tomorrow…

Which is just a really expensive way…

ARRRGGGHHHHHH

Bitter Head Resume Ben