What has been going on this week? For me, not much except an absolute homicidal maniac strapping me to a chair, gagging me, shooting me with a needle full of drugs, leaving half my face numb, grinding my teeth down with a huge drill, covering my ears so I couldn’t hear the torture, then sending me up front so I could pay for the torture. In other words, I had a dentist appointment. What was even more diabolical was that he bought a Baskin Robins across the street, and offered his patients a 20% discount, so he had more cavities to drill next time. Evil genius.

It makes me wonder why I didn’t become a dentist. Other than the fact that I hated school, other people, digging in people’s mouths, and biology, I can’t think of any reason why I shouldn’t have been a dentist. I know I love torturing people, so I think other than being a flogger, or construction worker holding up signs to tell people to wait, I can’t think of any profession that is more about torturing people. I would even play musak to add to people’s anxiety.

My dentist even sensed that I hadn’t eaten all day, so he gave me extras shots in the mouth to prolong my ability to eat. I didn’t want to eat because the numbness took all the taste away, and also made me guess how much pain I would be in if I chewed on the other side of my mouth. I was so hungry that I was ready to gnaw off my arm, but I had to wait. He had me in a real pickle. I hate pickles. Both the taste of them, and the being in them.

My overwhelming need as a human to survive finally took over and I decided to eat something healthy. When I went to the fridge to find something healthy, I saw a half empty (not half full) pan of brownies. I decided that they were soft enough to eat, so I tried one. Then another, and a few more, you know, so they wouldn’t go bad.

I hate to see any food go bad. Except celery, carrots, broccoli, onions, kale or salad. Brownies going bad would not only be a tragedy, but a catastrophe, calamity and a debacle. And quite honestly a cataclysm and a doomsday. I couldn’t let it happen.

I can see why brownie points are so valuable in todays market. The dollar isn’t worth what it used to be. Penny pinching will soon be gone now that pennies aren’t going to be made anymore. I assume they are still printing hay pennies. Crypto currency seems fun, but can I use it to buy video games?

Speaking of video game currency, there are a lot of opportunities there. Robux are pretty valuable, except you can only use them to buy Roblox stuff. Same goes for V-bucks, when buying skins for Fortnite. I’ve tried to use them for gas, but they didn’t accept them in the credit card machine, even though the card seemed to fit in the slot just fine. They said I could only use them for new skins. I tried to buy a skin that made me look like Optimus Prime, but they said that I could only buy skins in the Epic Store.

I’m like, “Isn’t this an EPIC store? They were like, “No, this is a 7-11.” I’m like “7-11 is pretty epic…”

I went down the list of all the currencies I had. I have at least a million Bells from Animal Crossing. Do you take Bells? “Nope,” he said. “Those are only good in Animal Crossing towns.” I was pretty excited, because I named my Animal Crossing town the same name as the city I’m in right now, so here’s 100 bells. Keep the change. He still said no.

I still have 200,000 Gears coins from Gears of War 5 I should be able to use, but my grocery store denied them, saying I could only use my Southwest Rapid Rewards card. I was like, that seems like made up video game currency too, so can you just take some of the Rupees I earned from all my time in Hyrule? I bought and upgraded literal boats with rupees in Hyrule. I should be able to purchase some Fruity Pebbles with Rupees.

If I can’t use video game money, I should at least be able to cash in some of my brownie points. If you don’t know how brownie points work, they come from brown nosing. I earned a bunch of brownie points by humiliating myself, I mean, brown nosing teachers, friends, bosses and co-workers. I did all that so I could earn brownie points, so I could one day cash that in for a raise, promotion, or more 401k. Since I have a lot of leftover Brownie Points, I should at least be able to pay for my torture, uh, dental work with them.

The whole world is transactional. We all do things because of what we get in return. I don’t do my job so I can relax all day and work on my computer. I expect money for doing it. Same with video games, and brownie points. I expect all the V-bucks, Robux, Rupees, Bells, and Gears coins that I spent all that time earning to be worth my time. I don’t play video games just for the fun of it. I expect money that works in exchange for my video game time.

I’ll be bringing this up in my meeting with the Treasury Department, which I expect to be paid for, by the way. I also expect to be paid by WordPress, and you people for all the bitter posting I’ve been doing. Transactions, people.

While you are saving up to donate all your money to me, I’ll give you even more value by posting some Bitter Friday Giftures that explain this whole post in 12 or so Giftures…

How was my day you ask?…

I was…

I was…

And I was shot…

Then I was sent up front…

In other words…

When I went to pay…

They said no to that…

They didn’t take Bells…

Again, they denied my rupees…

And they were like, “Nope, we only accept cash or card…

For some reason…

And I was like…

They still denied me…

And before they could answer…

ARRGGGHHHHH

Bitter Brownie Points Ben