I’ve had a long and storied history with Netflix. Unlike my kids, I was born before the existence of Netflix. The only way I was able to watch movies was in a theater.

Technology moved fast though and as I grew up, Blockbuster and other video stores allowed us to rent movies after they came out in the form of VHS tapes, Laser Disc’s and then DVD’s and Blurays. I loved that if I missed a movie in the theater, I could always go to Blockbuster or Hollywood video and rent some of the movies I missed in the theaters. I also loved the Blockbuster experience, because you could lazily browse the video store and find movies that I could pretend to watch while making out with my romantic partner.

The only problem with Blockbuster is that it charged late fees and some people didn’t like that. People like the founder of Netflix, who was mad that he was charged a $40 late fee for renting out Apollo 13. He was so mad, that he decided to stick it to Blockbuster and created Netflix as a disruptor, with the promise of no late fees. I had a problem with Netflix though, because Blockbuster was an experience. At the beginning of Netflix, they were just a way to order discs online, and you had to wait to get them through the mail. What was I supposed to do? Hey baby, instead of going to Blockbuster, do you want to go look at my laptop and we can browse Netflix and get some movies in a few days?

It wasn’t until much later that Netflix happened upon streaming as a way to deliver movies and other content. They were the first to lean heavily into content, and they only recently stopped actually mailing of the discs. They ended video stores, and for that, I’m very bitter. We are stuck getting Netflix, Hulu, Apple +, Disney +, Paramount, Max, and hundreds of other streaming services and in the hopes that one of those has the movie that we missed in the theater. If they don’t, those movies might as well be lost to history.

Have you been to a Redbox, Target, or Walmart lately? Redbox doesn’t rent new movies anymore, and Target and Walmart are barely selling discs at all anymore. If I want to see a movie that isn’t on one of the streamers, I have to rent it “digitally”. I’m not a fan. It’s like I’m back in the 70’s again, where I can’t get a physical copy of a movie.

Back to what I wanted to talk about though. I was watching a documentary on Netflix about a cult that repped TikTok dancers. The cult had been around for a long time, but just happened to come upon a way to recruit new members. When TikTok came out, the cult leader saw an opportunity to recruit dancers by promising to rep for them, and do all their hard work so they could just dance. But they also had to attend dinner meetings, and bible study, and of course, give most of their money to the leader for different fees.

I was thoroughly disgusted by this cult leader, and cult leaders in general, because they keep thinking of these ideas before I do. Most of the time, under the guise of religion, they gaslight impressionable people to give their lives over to the cult, along with all their money.

They do their best to separate them from their families, because their families “are sinners” and they need to break away from them. In the meantime, the cult leaders are always the biggest sinners, because they are basically adultnapping, stealing all their money, and breaking the laws in so many other ways.

I’m not a fan of those cults, because of all the lawbreaking. They are really secretive and also very hard to start, because you have to be really dynamic in some way to get a whole bunch of impressionable people to follow you in doing some really crazy stuff. I’m not a fan of lawbreaking, being secretive, or working hard, and I never majored in gaslighting in college (maybe I learned about it in Boy Scouts?).

On the other hand, I do like the part about the cult leader getting all the members cash. Since I am a fan of getting cash for doing nothing, I was thinking of starting a cult where there are no secrets, no gaslighting, no hard work to set up, and just telling everyone that they should give me most of their cash. I’m not sure how it’s going to work, but I like to think of myself as a disruptor in the cult industry, much like Netflix was to Blockbuster.

It’s a new kind of cult where you skip a lot of the steps of the cult “start-up”.

I want my cult to start with a more transparent kind of messaging. I don’t ask you to follow me in all these weird teachings, I won’t rent a weird compound where all my cult members have to live, I won’t even take your money so I can rep you on Tik Tok. I won’t have some weird leadership chain of command, and I won’t separate you from your family.

I want to start a cult that doesn’t have the normal creepy vibe of cults. I will skip the middle man and simply ask that you just send me 90% of your money to me for doing absolutely nothing.

Who wouldn’t want to join a cult like that?

While you are thinking about that, let me distract you with some shiny Bitter Friday Giftures…

Say what you want about Blockbuster…

What was I going to do with Netflix…

Don’t worry though…

Blockbuster may have charged you late fees…

Nowadays, if you want to find a movie…

Or hope that you can rent it…

On Netflix…

And I was thoroughly creeped out…

Who repped Tik Tok dancers…

I was kind of jealous…

But I wasn’t into the whole…

Or being the really dynamic…

Or building the private compound…

I just wanted all the money…

So join my cult…

ARRRGGGHHHHH

Bitter Join My Cult Ben