The days are getting darker and darker, which as you know, means that it is almost Christmas. The celebration of the birth of Jesus. Which is funny because we know he wasn’t actually born in December. He was actually born in the spring.

The reason why the Holiday Committee moved Christmas to December is because they looked at late December, and realized it was the coldest and darkest few days of the year. You probably didn’t know that a long time ago there was a committee that planned all these holidays. No one knows the exact time that it happened, but it was a legendary meeting. Christmas was planned, but oh so much more. The first thing they decided on was Christmas. They said, “Winter Solstice is only a few days before the end of the year, so if we don’t celebrate the most famous holiday of the year then, people will be so depressed, they will never recover, especially people that have seasonal depression.”

They said, “In fact, the whole season after summer is kind of depressing so, starting in mid-September, we shall have a holiday where we dedicate a whole month and a half for people to dress up, decorate their houses in, I don’t know, the cobwebs they find in their basement and skeletons from their biology classes, and let’s throw in some tombstones from the cemetery. Also, pumpkin sales are down, so they shall be allowed as well.” Everyone agreed and they were satisfied with the Mid-September to the end of October time period.

But everyone started worrying about November. One day, there was a cold november rain, and they said we needed something for November. Starting November 1st, they said the spooky stuff must stop immediately. Many wanted to move on to the end of December with Christmas. Everyone was like, yeah, that will be great. We’ll have stockings and Christmas lights, and Christmas movies, and trees, yeah, trees are cool. What about cookies they all asked. Yeah, I guess we can do cookies too. Presents? A jolly guy that brings them to us? I guess that would be okay. Sure. Reindeers? Shiny noses? How about Grinches? And music. We need music. Then someone in the back said, “What about kissing?” Everyone looked at Hal and said, “Geez, Hal, what is wrong with you?” He kept insisting, so they gave him the Mistletoe. “If you can get someone under the mistletoe, Hal, you can kiss them.”

They all got voted in and everyone was happy. Except…for a few of the voters. A few of them were like, wait, we’re giving Christmas two whole months? That is seriously a long time to maintain that spirit. Can we break it up a little? How about something at the end of November? You know, some way to hang out with our families. And our turkeys? How about we have some time to break it up?

They came up with a day at the end of November. The fourth Thursday where they would have to spend time with their families, no matter how dysfunctional. You would have to tell your family why you were thankful for them. And you would have to learn how to give or whatever. Like, you know, a Thanksful time. Then Hal chimed in again. “How about we call it Thanksgiving?” Everyone was like, “Wow, Hal you’re really good at combining words.” But they decided to give Hal this one victory and called it Thanksgiving. Hal is an NPC if you ask me.

Then a couple of people in the back decided they wanted to make a suggestion, because everyone forgot about them. So they’re like, “Hey, we don’t really like our families. Can we like, you know, ditch them the day after and just go shopping for gifts for Christmas?” Everyone was like, I guess so. But there should be a good reason to ditch your family the day after Thanksful day. Oh, right, we’re calling it what Hal called it. Thanks…giving? Whatever.”

After many hours of arguing, they finally decided to let the day after Thanksful…uh Thanksgiving, be a day of shopping, but only if there were sales. At first it was only the three committee members that did it, but then some businesspeople saw the benefits of their shopping and said they would add 5% sales to get people into their stores, only to make them buy more things and they got on board. It was really dark out the first time they did it, so they started calling the day after Thanksful, “Black Friday”.

When they finally got to the vote, 50% voted for Thanksful, and 50% said skip Thanksful altogether. Since there was never a tiebreaker, to this day, 50% people start celebrating Christmas on November 1st, while 50% don’t start until Black Friday.

That’s what happens when you try to do these things by committee.

The committee went on. They were like, hey, I know Christmas is at the end of December. What do we do after Christmas is over? That is a rather long time to celebrate one holiday. What do we do to keep up that holimentum? “Hal, stop combing words!”

Some said, “Well, we can just have a day after Christmas and people can return all the stuff they didn’t like. We can call that…Boxing Day.” Everyone was like, “What does returning stuff to the store have to do with Mike Tyson?” That group was like, “No, we mean, like the boxes that gifts were in.” Everyone booed at them, and told them to leave. They did. I guess they all moved up north somewhere.

After the committee kicked the Canadians out of the group, they finally came to a conclusion. “Hey, January 1st is the first day of the year. Why don’t we just all celebrate the day before by staying up late and partying and fireworks until the actual day comes?” Some thought that was stupid. The Canadians were booed again and sent back up north permanently.

Everyone else decided that there were several things they could do for the new year. They could have a countdown with a ball at Times Square in New York. The people of New York loved that idea, but the rest of the committee was not on board. They said, “First of all, it’s really cold outside. Remember that it’s still dark and cold in January? Second, we don’t live in New York. How about you guys have to film the party in New York and send us the film through a box in our living rooms? We shall call it…telebox.” Hal chimed in again and said, “Television.” “Dang it, Hal, if you don’t stop it, I’m telling you…”

But others were like, “Wait, how about the next day?” They talked for a bit and came up with a sport they called pigskin throwing and kicking. Hal was like, “How about we call it football?” “Hal, for goodness sakes, everyone already has that sport everywhere else with their soccer balls!” The committee decided to make it an all-day thing where they national champion would be crowned in pigskin throwing and kicking. At the end, Hal asked, “What about kissing when the ball drops at midnight?” “Seriously Hal!”

As you can see, this time of year was meticulously, and horribly planned by that committee many years ago. Many of them were never heard from again, but we should remember all the good they did for us at this time of year. Except for Hal. He contributed nothing.

Enjoy the rest of your bitter year with these Bitter Friday Giftures…

It may be the last day for teachers…

It is getting really dark this time of year…

When the committee came together…

But it was many years ago…

It was determined when we needed…

The committee started with September…

They also allowed…

After Halloween, some in the committee…

While others..

The committee got a…

They determined that Christmas would get lights, trees, cookies, and presents…

So we gave him…

To keep up the holimentum (Hal’s word, not mine)…

With fireworks and of course…

Hal wanted to call it football…

Hal wanted to have more kissing for New Years…

There’s a lot wrong with Hal.

ARRRGGGHHHHH

Bitter Holiday Committee Ben