Cluster Bombs

The biggest reason for bitterness of all time is traffic. I’m so bitter that I’ve spent 25% of my life sitting in a slow-moving, four-wheel metal container for hours next to raging psychopaths that were one accident removed from going Simpson’s Road Rage on someone. It’s a dangerous place out there, and one I’ve spent way too much time doing instead of productively playing video games on my couch.

I worked at a job for 15 years where I drove at least 30 minutes to get to my job and at least 45 minutes to get home. The longest time I spent in traffic was 3 hours, in a snowstorm. If it wasn’t for the amazing snow driving skills I learned from living in South Dakota for way too long, I could have been like most other people that day that ended up in a ditch, or sleeping in their cars that night.

Most of you know the bitterness of rush hour, which is actually the opposite of rushing. There are probably a dozen reasons why traffic is so bad. Some might think it’s because there are better jobs in the city, and others might think that it’s because the roads are horrible, or construction. Those are all tertiary reasons. I’ll tell you the real reason there is traffic.

It’s other people. Of course, almost every problem that we’ve ever had is other people. Disease, inflation, parties…they are all caused by other people. Okay, that isn’t always true. Trees are the one of the biggest problems in the world too. Between the knocking down of powerlines, to stealing all our carbon dioxide, to tripping us with their roots, trees are a big problem. However, I’ve outlined all the problems with trees on dozens of other blog posts, so we’ll stick with people for now.

For some reason, people are magnetically attracted to each other. They always want to cluster together, whether at work, at a concert or at a party. One solution for that would be getting everyone surgery to remove all their inner magnetism, but I think there is a bigger problem. There is war going on right now, especially during the holiday season, between introverts and extraverts.

There has always been an eternal struggle there. Extraverts want to get together, spend time with one another, socialize and talk about things, whether there is anything to talk about or not. Introverts want to spend the holidays at home, not talking to each other, reading, playing video games, drinking hot chocolate and watching Christmas movies.

The extraverts think they have an excuse this time of year, because of the holidays. We HAVE to have Thanksgiving at someone’s house, where dozens of people have to come and eat something and talk about nothing. Then there are the holiday parties that we MUST attend. The church party, the work party, the family party, the white elephant party…There are way too many excuses to get together and the introverts are losing the war.

The Extraverts must be stopped. Since none of the introverts have stood up and claimed leadership, I will do so. I will be the Neo to the Extraverts Smith. However, I’m going to need some guns, lots of guns. Our biggest weapon, besides the Party Avoidance Excusion Spear, will be a weapon we can use when we can’t get out of parties. We need something that can create space between us, so we can get out of any awkward situation.

I call it the Cluster Bomb, as a way of removing all these clusters, especially at parties or family gatherings. Of course it is non-lethal, but it needs to be powerful enough where an Inti (Introvert Warrior) can use in any social situation. For instance, if they see an Extraverted Aunt heading their way to ask if why they aren’t married, an introvert should have a cluster bomb to keep enough space between them to avoid that situation. The cluster bomb will do a number of things, like make them invisible for a few seconds so they can go another way, or it could create smoke to set off a smoke alarm. It could also create distractions or just cause your aunt’s hearing aid to go haywire.

We need cluster bombs to create space, which is the fuel for Super Introversion. When an introvert has space, they have time to think. Time to create. Time to run. Time to come up with a plan to thwart evil Extraverts who are trying to steal their time and space. Cluster bombs are the gift every introvert has on their Christmas list.

This time of year is war. If we introverts aren’t ready, we’ll get sucked into too many conversations that will suck the life out of our souls, and we won’t get our coveted long winter naps.

For inspiration on the ongoing battle, look below for Bitter Friday Giftures that will give you the strength for the ongoing war…

The number #1 reason for bitterness…